The joke thread - Page 448

BossMark · 09-25-14, 10:36 AM

Couldn't give a bugga about the Ryder Cup to be honest.

Anything that involves a man using an iron isn't natural....

Jimbuna · 09-25-14, 12:11 PM

My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.

I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.

BossMark · 09-26-14, 01:51 AM

India has launched its first satellite to Mars at a tenth of the cost of America's Mariner 8.

'Corner Shop Surveyor' should reach Mars by 2017.

Eichhörnchen · 09-26-14, 07:54 AM

My wife has always watched what she eats: she stares at every forkfull before she scoffs it down

Jimbuna · 09-26-14, 08:52 AM

I've got a nice 4 day week next week. My boss just said, "If you don't come in for overtime tomorrow, don't bother coming in on Monday."

Cheers boss, see you next Tuesday.

BossMark · 09-26-14, 08:53 AM

What's the quickest way to turn an apple into a banana?

Leave it in your back pocket when you sit down.

Jimbuna · 09-26-14, 09:34 AM

I ran over a hedgehog this morning.

Rings went flying everywhere.

BossMark · 09-26-14, 11:48 AM

The first female air force pilot in the United Arab Emirates is to lead airstrikes against ISIS militants in Syria...

...as soon as she can get the plane out of reverse.

BossMark · 09-26-14, 11:40 PM

A Post Office employee in Bournemouth is retiring after 41 years without using any of her sick days.

Friends describe her as "dedicated".

Co-workers remember her as, "That cow who kept giving me the flu."

Jimbuna · 09-27-14, 08:14 AM

That FIFA 15 is so realistic.

I even had to bribe the shop assistant to sell me a copy.

Armistead · 09-27-14, 08:31 AM

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.

Jimbuna · 09-27-14, 09:39 AM

A new report says that women spend an average of 335 hours a year getting ready ...

According to a really angry researcher waiting outside in the car.

BossMark · 09-27-14, 01:47 PM

Whenever I get a new girlfriend I always buy her a massive box of chocolates on our first date. Then I secretly time how long it takes her to scoff them. I told myself that if I could find a girl who could make the box last more than 24 hours, I'd marry her.

That was 38 years ago, and I'm still single.

Jimbuna · 09-28-14, 05:37 AM

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Medics say he needed a second coat.

BossMark · 09-28-14, 01:16 PM

A builder has found 22,000 Roman coins estimated to be worth around £100, 000.

Although the builder reckons it might be closer to £150,000.

09-25-14, 10:36 AM	#6706
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Couldn't give a bugga about the Ryder Cup to be honest. Anything that involves a man using an iron isn't natural.... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-25-14, 12:11 PM	#6707
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion. I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-26-14, 01:51 AM	#6708
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	India has launched its first satellite to Mars at a tenth of the cost of America's Mariner 8. 'Corner Shop Surveyor' should reach Mars by 2017. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-26-14, 08:52 AM	#6710
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've got a nice 4 day week next week. My boss just said, "If you don't come in for overtime tomorrow, don't bother coming in on Monday." Cheers boss, see you next Tuesday. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-26-14, 08:53 AM	#6711
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What's the quickest way to turn an apple into a banana? Leave it in your back pocket when you sit down. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-26-14, 07:54 AM	#6709
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,488 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	My wife has always watched what she eats: she stares at every forkfull before she scoffs it down

09-26-14, 09:34 AM	#6712
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I ran over a hedgehog this morning. Rings went flying everywhere. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-26-14, 11:48 AM	#6713
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The first female air force pilot in the United Arab Emirates is to lead airstrikes against ISIS militants in Syria... ...as soon as she can get the plane out of reverse. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-26-14, 11:40 PM	#6714
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A Post Office employee in Bournemouth is retiring after 41 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as "dedicated". Co-workers remember her as, "That cow who kept giving me the flu." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-27-14, 08:14 AM	#6715
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	That FIFA 15 is so realistic. I even had to bribe the shop assistant to sell me a copy. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-27-14, 08:31 AM	#6716
Armistead Rear Admiral Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: on the Dan Posts: 10,880 Downloads: 364 Uploads: 0	As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short. __________________ You see my dog don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

09-27-14, 09:39 AM	#6717
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A new report says that women spend an average of 335 hours a year getting ready ... According to a really angry researcher waiting outside in the car. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-27-14, 01:47 PM	#6718
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Whenever I get a new girlfriend I always buy her a massive box of chocolates on our first date. Then I secretly time how long it takes her to scoff them. I told myself that if I could find a girl who could make the box last more than 24 hours, I'd marry her. That was 38 years ago, and I'm still single. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-28-14, 05:37 AM	#6719
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-28-14, 01:16 PM	#6720
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A builder has found 22,000 Roman coins estimated to be worth around £100, 000. Although the builder reckons it might be closer to £150,000. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now