The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

When I was diagnosed with Bi-polar schizophrenia, I was totally beside myself!...

[BossMark]

"You seem a bit depressed today Dave," I said to the barman in our local.
"I suppose I am," he admitted. "I always thought I'd have a career working with people who have special needs."
"It's not too late," I reassured him.
"You think?" He brightened.
"Definitely," I replied. "Wetherspoons in the high street are always advertising for bar staff."

[Jimbuna]

My wife started crying about her weight as she stood on the scale this morning.

"Chin up," I said, "I know how it feels."

"Awww," she beamed, "I know you will support me."

I said, "I was talking to the scale."

[BossMark]

I really miss not being able to slam the phone down on people.
Violently pressing the "End Call" button just doesn't quite have the same effect.

[Jimbuna]

They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays.

I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.

She just sits in her bedroom most of the time watching TV and playing with her phone.

[BossMark]

In divorce women have all the rights and men have all the lefts...

Left homeless.
Left penniless.
Left childless.
Left for another man.

[Jimbuna]

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture".

"Oh John!" she sighed "I thought you had a real one this time."

[BossMark]

To get some relaxing time by myself before the summer ends, I gave my family a vacation.

I sent my grand parents to Switzerland,

sent my daughter to a summer camp in Portugal,

and my wife is just boarding a Malaysian flight to China.

[BossMark]

Signed up for an assertiveness course.
First week the teacher never turned up.
Second week the teacher never turned up.
Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain.
They said, "Congratulations you've passed.".

[magic452]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!'

Magic

[BossMark]

A U.S. astronaut, who's currently at the International Space Station, became a father when his wife gave birth to a baby boy yesterday.

Apparently the astronaut was sobbing, "I can't wait to get home ... especially because I've been gone for 11 bloody months."

[Jimbuna]

My wife said I was highly intelligent because I didn't understand sarcasm.

What a lovely compliment.

[BossMark]

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it's him !

[BossMark]

Leonardo DiCaprio made an impressive speech at the UN about the dangers of climate change.

He was a bit late though, as his private jet had to be refuelled.

[Eichhörnchen]

I just made this one up exclusively for Subsim:

Q: What is the fastest sea creature on two wheels?

A: A fish called Honda