The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

There was a fancy dress party in my local pub last night.

I ended up playing pool with a guy who was dressed as an owl. When taking his shot his wing rubbed against one of the balls so I said ; "Two hits"

He replied "Two hits to who?"

[BossMark]

Reports suggest that critically ill Joan Rivers is about to meet her maker..

Dr.Frankenstein.

[Jimbuna]

Walking the wife home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town.
As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin.

"Look at that poor bugger, I'm glad I'm not him."


He probably thought.

[GoldenRivet]

A man goes to a bar and sits down and orders a drink after a while he's had several and sitting before him is his seventh beer, but he has to piss too badly to finish it up, it's about half full and he doesn't want the rowdy boys at the bar drinking it while he goes to The bathroom so he Scribbles down on a sticky note a sign which reads "don't drink this beer... I've spit in it."

A few minutes later the man returns to his beer to see a second note which reads "so did we"

---

a man says to his wife that he is worried about his son and what type of man he will grow up to be so the two devise a plan, they will place a gold coin, a bible, a playboy magazine and a bottle of rum on the boy's study desk in his bedroom and hide in the closet to observe him when he arrives from school.

If he picks up the coin, he will covet money above all things the father says

If he picks up the bible he will be a man who trusts in The Lord in tense situations

if he picks up the playboy magazine he will be a philanderer and chase loose women

if he picks up the rum he will drink to excess

with the items placed on the desk the father and mother hide in the closet and in walks the boy

he grabs the coin and sticks it in his pocket, he grabs the bible and tucks it under his arm, he grabs the bottle of rum and sips it while eagerly sifting through the pages of the playboy magazine

The father says "Its worse than i expected dear...

... he's going to be an airplane pilot"

[BossMark]

I see Ryanair is now charging £10 for a blanket and pillow.

Well, at least you can get a good solid 8 hours sleep while you're waiting on the runway.

[magic452]

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.


USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more
than 8 characters

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1
numerical character

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank
spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least
one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more
than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss
IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain
punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ss
IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Magic

[Jimbuna]

I found it incredibly easy to break into Mr Kipling's factory and steal some stock last night.

It was a piece of cake.

[BossMark]

Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.


"Dragging a frozen Labrador is a bloody nightmare."

[Jimbuna]

Used chewing gum for sale..

Almost mint.

[BossMark]

A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

[Jimbuna]

Tony Blair has won Philanthropist of the Year at the GQ Awards, seeing off tough competition from Kim Jong Un, and ISIS.

[BossMark]

Apparently a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant was closed down by security services last week.

They said that some of the contestants were showing far too much eye.

[BossMark]

So Serena and Venus Williams have come out and admitted they are considering sex changes.

I'm not one to judge, if they want to live as women, let them.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my blind date,"I actually take a plane to work and back every single day."

"Wow,you must be wealthy." She said.

"Everything but," I replied,"I'm just a carpenter."

[BossMark]

If you're on motorway and the women driving a car in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing...

she will be changing lanes.