The joke thread - Page 433

BossMark · 08-07-14, 12:54 AM

The judge in the Bernie Eccleston trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco.

Now.

Buddahaid · 08-07-14, 12:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

The judge in the Bernie Eccleston trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco.

Now.

Well who doesn't? Sheesh!

Buddahaid · 08-07-14, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Me: Okay.

Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision!

And that's when the fight started...

This one rings a bell....

BossMark · 08-07-14, 01:48 AM

I ordered some camouflage pants the other day...

bastards sent me an empty box.

TarJak · 08-07-14, 02:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buddahaid

This one rings a bell....

No that's Quasimodo.

Jimbuna · 08-07-14, 06:22 AM

"So, what's your story then?" My date asked. "Been married, kids?"

"Well I used to be." I said. "No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." She gasped. "Recently?"

"Quite recent." I replied. "My sleeves are still wet."

BossMark · 08-08-14, 04:57 AM

A cargo ship from Liverpool has been subject to a piracy attack off the coast of Somalia.

Thankfully the hijacking was intervened and the navy rescued the Somalians.

Jimbuna · 08-08-14, 06:15 AM

A nun walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on the immaculate conception, please?"

"Yes," replied the librarian, "over in the theology section. Having a little refresher are we, sister?"

"No," she replied. "I'm pregnant and I just want to make sure I get my story right."

BossMark · 08-08-14, 09:30 AM

I just got done checking out Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or as others prefer to call it, Facebook.

Jimbuna · 08-08-14, 12:18 PM

I was having a brew with the wife this morning and she saved me from choking to death on a custard cream.

She'd eaten them all.

BossMark · 08-09-14, 01:55 AM

Took my blonde girlfriend to Lands End as a surprise trip. On arriving I exclaimed, "So I guess this is the End, then."

She ran off sobbing uncontrollably. Not seen her since.

Jimbuna · 08-09-14, 07:10 AM

A woman broke the traffic signal:

Policeman: Stop....!

Woman: Let me go, I am a teacher running late.

Policeman: Aha, I have waited this moment all my life.

Woman: Please....!

Policeman: Now write 100 times, I will never break a traffic signal again.

Jimbuna · 08-09-14, 12:00 PM

I went to the doctor with an echo in my ears.

He gave me a repeat prescription.

Jimbuna · 08-10-14, 08:20 AM

As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog crap all over my shoes."

BossMark · 08-10-14, 01:25 PM

Police are now trialling portable on-the-spot DNA testing machines for use at crime scenes.

A Police spokesman said "It's a great bit of kit, we are now able to tamper with the evidence much quicker."

08-07-14, 12:54 AM	#6481
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The judge in the Bernie Eccleston trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco. Now. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-07-14, 01:48 AM	#6484
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I ordered some camouflage pants the other day... bastards sent me an empty box. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-07-14, 06:22 AM	#6486
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"So, what's your story then?" My date asked. "Been married, kids?" "Well I used to be." I said. "No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned." "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." She gasped. "Recently?" "Quite recent." I replied. "My sleeves are still wet." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-08-14, 04:57 AM	#6487
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A cargo ship from Liverpool has been subject to a piracy attack off the coast of Somalia. Thankfully the hijacking was intervened and the navy rescued the Somalians. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-08-14, 06:15 AM	#6488
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A nun walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on the immaculate conception, please?" "Yes," replied the librarian, "over in the theology section. Having a little refresher are we, sister?" "No," she replied. "I'm pregnant and I just want to make sure I get my story right." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-08-14, 09:30 AM	#6489
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I just got done checking out Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or as others prefer to call it, Facebook. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-08-14, 12:18 PM	#6490
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was having a brew with the wife this morning and she saved me from choking to death on a custard cream. She'd eaten them all. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-09-14, 01:55 AM	#6491
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Took my blonde girlfriend to Lands End as a surprise trip. On arriving I exclaimed, "So I guess this is the End, then." She ran off sobbing uncontrollably. Not seen her since. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-09-14, 07:10 AM	#6492
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A woman broke the traffic signal: Policeman: Stop....! Woman: Let me go, I am a teacher running late. Policeman: Aha, I have waited this moment all my life. Woman: Please....! Policeman: Now write 100 times, I will never break a traffic signal again. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-09-14, 12:00 PM	#6493
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to the doctor with an echo in my ears. He gave me a repeat prescription. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-10-14, 08:20 AM	#6494
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door. "I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said. Again, he shouted back. "I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied. A few moments later my son appeared in the living room. "Dad, I've got dog crap all over my shoes." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-10-14, 01:25 PM	#6495
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Police are now trialling portable on-the-spot DNA testing machines for use at crime scenes. A Police spokesman said "It's a great bit of kit, we are now able to tamper with the evidence much quicker." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now