The joke thread

[BossMark]

Sham Marriages 'Rising At Alarming Rate' In UK.

Katie Price has a lot to answer for.

[Jimbuna]

When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.

[BossMark]

My wife said, "Can we stop fighting now?"

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because your nose is broke and my knuckles are sore."

[Jimbuna]

I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I ordered months ago still wasn't in?

"it's not our fault" said the librarian

"Yeah that's the one" I replied

[BossMark]

Comic and former psychiatric nurse Jo Brand has accused The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent of exploiting people with mental health problems.


The viewers, mainly.

[Jimbuna]

Legendary ventriloquist Keith Harris has told of how he nearly died from cancer, because he was too nervous about seeing his doctor.

"It's not nice, having someone root around up your bottom, is it?"


Said Orville.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer shook my hand and said, "Hi, I'm John McEnroe."

I replied, "You cannot be serious!"

[BossMark]

During lunchtime today I was teaching my 2yr old daughter how to use a fork.

"That's right sweetheart , do it in nice straight lines so that daddy can plant his potatoes"

[Herr-Berbunch]

A couple of days ago I was mugged and had my wallet stolen.

I still haven't reported it yet as the thief is spending less than the wife.

[Jimbuna]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are .
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[magic452]

Ole and Swen are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The Ole says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

Swen says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

Ole says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

Ole says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a old transmission."

Magic

[BossMark]

In the 70s, children would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as you were back when the streetlights came on.

Oh yeah... and you also watched TV shows presented by paedophiles, or went on them and got molested.

[Jimbuna]

My wife walked out on me last week, after years of abuse about her weight and I've been in a deep, deep depression ever since.


Sleeping on her side of the bed.

[BossMark]

WH Smith - they charge a penny for a bag because they are trying to be 'environmentally friendly' - then they give you a whole trees worth of receipts and special offer vouchers.

[Jimbuna]

Announcement over the public address system on a train:

"Good afternoon, this is your ticket inspector speaking. In approximately half an hour, I will be coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on board to begin their search NOW."