The joke thread - Page 43

BossMark · 10-08-11, 10:46 AM

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Jimbuna · 10-08-11, 12:31 PM

My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me."

So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

BossMark · 10-09-11, 05:25 AM

there once was this doctor a lawyer a priest and a little boy and they were all in an air-plane. then all of a sudden the pilot announces that the plane has engine trouble so the pilot takes off with a parachute.so then there was only 3 parachutes left. the doctor says I save life's I have to live so he takes his parachute then the lawyer says we are the smartest people in the world i must live so he goes. the the priest tells the little boy here son you take i am old and you have a life ahead of you so you take the parachute and the little boy said no its OK because the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.

Sailor Steve · 10-09-11, 12:25 PM

I first heard that one way back in the '70s. Then it was president Gerald Ford, vice-president Nelson Rockerfeller, Henry Kissinger (the smartest man in da vorld), Billy Graham and of course the young man with the backpack, who in that version was a friend of the president's son.

What goes around comes around. Still a great joke, and thanks for sharing.

Jimbuna · 10-09-11, 02:05 PM

As my wife and I walked around Amsterdam's Red Light district I looked at the prostitutes sitting there.

"There's a job for you," I said.

"What, do you think I could make good money on the game?" she asked.

"Hell no! The windows need cleaning."

BossMark · 10-09-11, 02:12 PM

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flash light for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!

Jimbuna · 10-09-11, 02:57 PM

Wouldnt it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny ****tu played for Leeds.

BossMark · 10-09-11, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Wouldnt it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny ****tu played for Leeds.

Hahahaha bloody hilarious

Jimbuna · 10-09-11, 03:26 PM

What's the best thing about Leeds?

LSD and 2 E's

BossMark · 10-10-11, 02:42 AM

Newcastle united"s trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet.

BossMark · 10-10-11, 05:46 AM

A rich tycoon decided to buy each of his 3 sons something for Christmas, so he asked them each what they wanted"I want a train set" said the first son, so he bought him British Rail" "I want model aeroplanes" said the second son, so he bought him British Airways"I want a mickey mouse outfit" said the third son, so he bought him Newcastle Utd

Jimbuna · 10-10-11, 06:51 AM

The Robbie Keane Curse:

He left Wolves; they got relegated.
He left Coventry City; they got relegated.
He left Leeds United; they got relegated (twice).
He left Spurs; bottom of the table with 2 points from 8 games.

I can't wait until Leeds re-sign him.

BossMark · 10-10-11, 07:47 AM

I see that Newcastle United are changing the name of their ground from St James" Park to Sid James" Park after this latest carry-on.

Jimbuna · 10-10-11, 09:49 AM

4th and unbeaten in the Premiership compared to 11th and three defeats in the Championship sounds like a right 'carry-on'....but on whom?

I doubt we'll be meeting in a league game for quite some time

BossMark · 10-10-11, 10:28 AM

My mate has just called to ask if I want any tickets to watch a couple of comedy acts on 26th November.I asked, “Who"s appearing?”He said, “Newcastle and Man Utd.”

10-08-11, 10:46 AM	#631
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-08-11, 12:31 PM	#632
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-09-11, 05:25 AM	#633
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	there once was this doctor a lawyer a priest and a little boy and they were all in an air-plane. then all of a sudden the pilot announces that the plane has engine trouble so the pilot takes off with a parachute.so then there was only 3 parachutes left. the doctor says I save life's I have to live so he takes his parachute then the lawyer says we are the smartest people in the world i must live so he goes. the the priest tells the little boy here son you take i am old and you have a life ahead of you so you take the parachute and the little boy said no its OK because the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-09-11, 12:25 PM	#634
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	I first heard that one way back in the '70s. Then it was president Gerald Ford, vice-president Nelson Rockerfeller, Henry Kissinger (the smartest man in da vorld), Billy Graham and of course the young man with the backpack, who in that version was a friend of the president's son. What goes around comes around. Still a great joke, and thanks for sharing. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

10-09-11, 02:05 PM	#635
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As my wife and I walked around Amsterdam's Red Light district I looked at the prostitutes sitting there. "There's a job for you," I said. "What, do you think I could make good money on the game?" she asked. "Hell no! The windows need cleaning." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-09-11, 02:12 PM	#636
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flash light for them. Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry. Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-09-11, 02:57 PM	#637
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wouldnt it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny **tu played for Leeds. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!**

10-09-11, 03:26 PM	#639
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What's the best thing about Leeds? LSD and 2 E's __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-10-11, 02:42 AM	#640
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Newcastle united"s trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-10-11, 05:46 AM	#641
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A rich tycoon decided to buy each of his 3 sons something for Christmas, so he asked them each what they wanted"I want a train set" said the first son, so he bought him British Rail" "I want model aeroplanes" said the second son, so he bought him British Airways"I want a mickey mouse outfit" said the third son, so he bought him Newcastle Utd __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-10-11, 06:51 AM	#642
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The Robbie Keane Curse: He left Wolves; they got relegated. He left Coventry City; they got relegated. He left Leeds United; they got relegated (twice). He left Spurs; bottom of the table with 2 points from 8 games. I can't wait until Leeds re-sign him. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-10-11, 07:47 AM	#643
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I see that Newcastle United are changing the name of their ground from St James" Park to Sid James" Park after this latest carry-on. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-10-11, 09:49 AM	#644
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,380 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	4th and unbeaten in the Premiership compared to 11th and three defeats in the Championship sounds like a right 'carry-on'....but on whom? I doubt we'll be meeting in a league game for quite some time __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-10-11, 10:28 AM	#645
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mate has just called to ask if I want any tickets to watch a couple of comedy acts on 26th November.I asked, “Who"s appearing?”He said, “Newcastle and Man Utd.” __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now