The joke thread - Page 426

BossMark · 07-03-14, 03:06 AM

As I got out of my van in the supermarket car park today some bloke came up to me.

"Excuse me, sir." he said, "But you've just parked across two disabled bays."

"Have I really?" I asked.

"You have indeed," he replied, "What's your disability?"

I said, "I'm blind."

Jimbuna · 07-03-14, 06:08 AM

I got some pills from the doctor recently which he said could cause me to hallucinate.

"He doesn't know what he's talking about, I haven't noticed a thing." I said to my pet unicorn.

BossMark · 07-03-14, 06:50 AM

I've just seen that Rolf Harris has been put on Suicide Watch

And I thought to myself, gee, how do I get tickets to that?

Jimbuna · 07-03-14, 01:18 PM

The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night.

I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same bugga who threw a tricycle under my car.

Jimbuna · 07-04-14, 04:13 AM

So todays the day the Americans celebrate Independence day.

Can't say I blame them, it was a great film.

BossMark · 07-04-14, 05:04 AM

A Brixton vicar is offering a reward of £10,000 cash to help stop gun violence.

Brilliant. Now people with guns just found out about a vicar who has £10k in cash.

Jimbuna · 07-04-14, 10:16 AM

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

Armistead · 07-04-14, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

So todays the day the Americans celebrate Independence day.

Can't say I blame them, it was a great film.

Whooped you Brits twice as I recall.....

Jimbuna · 07-05-14, 05:32 AM

My wife said she wanted me to give her mother a "Proper send off", at her funeral today.

So I got the vicar to blow a whistle and hold up a red card, as they lowered her into the hole.

BossMark · 07-05-14, 08:07 AM

I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance.

Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.

Jimbuna · 07-05-14, 08:26 AM

Tour De France - Leeds

I haven't see this many bikes in Leeds since that Essex girls hen party in 2010.

BossMark · 07-05-14, 11:33 AM

Really looking forward to the men's final at Wimbledon tomorrow.

Isn't it refreshing neither of the Williams made it?

BossMark · 07-06-14, 05:52 AM

A salesman went out of town for business.

After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife about it. "Guess what dear, I earned 4000 quid by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties."

The wife replies "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much."

Jimbuna · 07-06-14, 06:00 AM

Was in the pub last night and bumped into Limahl who was very drunk. I struck up a conversation with him and he started to pour his heart out to me and he rambled on and on and on...........It was a never ending story.

BossMark · 07-07-14, 12:46 AM

Everyone is complaining that the Mens Wimbledon final took 4 and half hours and the women's took just 51 minutes. So why should women get equal pay....

Well it did take them 4 hours before just to get ready.

07-03-14, 03:06 AM	#6376
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	As I got out of my van in the supermarket car park today some bloke came up to me. "Excuse me, sir." he said, "But you've just parked across two disabled bays." "Have I really?" I asked. "You have indeed," he replied, "What's your disability?" I said, "I'm blind." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-03-14, 06:08 AM	#6377
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got some pills from the doctor recently which he said could cause me to hallucinate. "He doesn't know what he's talking about, I haven't noticed a thing." I said to my pet unicorn. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-03-14, 06:50 AM	#6378
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've just seen that Rolf Harris has been put on Suicide Watch And I thought to myself, gee, how do I get tickets to that? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-03-14, 01:18 PM	#6379
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night. I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same bugga who threw a tricycle under my car. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-04-14, 04:13 AM	#6380
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	So todays the day the Americans celebrate Independence day. Can't say I blame them, it was a great film. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-04-14, 05:04 AM	#6381
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A Brixton vicar is offering a reward of £10,000 cash to help stop gun violence. Brilliant. Now people with guns just found out about a vicar who has £10k in cash. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-04-14, 10:16 AM	#6382
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option. I just need to talk her into it now. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-05-14, 05:32 AM	#6384
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said she wanted me to give her mother a "Proper send off", at her funeral today. So I got the vicar to blow a whistle and hold up a red card, as they lowered her into the hole. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-05-14, 08:07 AM	#6385
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-05-14, 08:26 AM	#6386
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Tour De France - Leeds I haven't see this many bikes in Leeds since that Essex girls hen party in 2010. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-05-14, 11:33 AM	#6387
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Really looking forward to the men's final at Wimbledon tomorrow. Isn't it refreshing neither of the Williams made it? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-06-14, 05:52 AM	#6388
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A salesman went out of town for business. After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife about it. "Guess what dear, I earned 4000 quid by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties." The wife replies "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-06-14, 06:00 AM	#6389
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Was in the pub last night and bumped into Limahl who was very drunk. I struck up a conversation with him and he started to pour his heart out to me and he rambled on and on and on...........It was a never ending story. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-07-14, 12:46 AM	#6390
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Everyone is complaining that the Mens Wimbledon final took 4 and half hours and the women's took just 51 minutes. So why should women get equal pay.... Well it did take them 4 hours before just to get ready. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now