The joke thread

[BossMark]

Just ate two thirds of a Mars, now all I want to do is rest & play!

[BossMark]

After the fiasco against Italy, Wayne Rooney has been practicing his corners.

And circles.

And colouring.

And doodles.

[Jimbuna]

If the Scottish fail to gain independence, maybe the UK should show its unity by creating a new country, to replace England and Scotland.
As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland.

[BossMark]

Coleen Rooney has flown out to Rio with her 2 sons to film An Idiot Abroad.

[Jimbuna]

I read that standards of education in the UK today are so low that many school leavers have no working knowledge of British history at all.

If she could see what's become of the country she died for, Joan of Arc would turn in her grave.

[BossMark]

The whole globe was in shock today, as people on every continent
were forced to go outside and get a life.

yep Facebook was down for 10 minutes.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend has had a tattoo of a butterfly put on her bum.

It is a rear admiral.

[Armistead]

Jim, could you European guys stop posting your jokes on an American forum?

[Jimbuna]

Fair enough...I'll leave you with this one...

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

[eddie]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

[BossMark]

So Coronation street are doing a storyline which will see 12 year old Faye Windass get pregnant
I was wondering how they were going to bring ken back

[Jimbuna]

A salesman came to my door to sell us a washing machine the other day. I was in the barn at the time and my wife answered the door so she said to him, "Go down to my husband, he's just in the barn. He deals with all that malarky."
So he came down to the barn and said, "Hello sir, I'm calling round to see if you'd be interested in buying my washing machine."
I said to him, "I'm going to tell you a story:"

"You see that cow?", I said.
"Yes," He said.
"Yesterday, I went to milk that cow. When I put the bucket under her udder, she kicked me in the face with her left foot. So I tied her leg to a rope and tied the other end to that beam up there. I got back down again and she kicked me in the face with her other foot. So I tied a rope to her other leg and tied it to another beam up there. When I got back down again, she smacked me in the face with her pooed up tail. So I tied a rope to it and attached it to the beam above your head. I decided to have a quick pee before I started milking her and just as I was doing my zipper up, my wife walked in. Now, if you can convince my wife that I wasn't going to screw that cow, I'll buy your bloody washing machine."

[Armistead]

[nikimcbee]

Is this the World Cup thread? I'm lost.

[Jimbuna]

A lady walked towards me in Tesco and I suddenly pulled my coat open and flashed at her.

She smiled and said, " I knew I'd forgotten something, Cocktail Sausages, thank you."