The joke thread

[BossMark]

"How long has he been dead, Mick?" the DS asks the pathologist.

"27 hours, 18 minutes and 33 seconds," replies Mick.

"That's amazing!" says the DS. "How can you be so accurate?"

"Well Sor, he was still aloive when I started the autopsy."

[Jimbuna]

My friend phoned the 'Suicide Hotline' yesterday but it was all in vain.

They put him on hold and left him hanging.

[BossMark]

My villa in Portugal has overgrown garden which I want to replace with a patio

First it needs digging up.

So I've tipped-off Scotland Yard

[Jimbuna]

After I lost the house, I slipped into a deep, dark depression and attempted suicide on several occasions.

My wife said I take bingo far too seriously.

[BossMark]

This morning my wife called me a stingy bastard,so I took her out on a five hour shopping spree.

Window shopping.

[Jimbuna]

Once there was a magical mirror. When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.
One day three college girls went to the mirror.
The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one." Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.
The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one." Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.
Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*" Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

[BossMark]

After losing my wife I decided I didn't want to be alone for too long and quickly found a woman for some no strings sex.

My wife was furious when she escaped from the maze.

[Jimbuna]

My fat wife told me she's feeling depressed about her weight today.

I don't know how she can be depressed when all she ever eats are Happy Meals.

[BossMark]

My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress. "Give us a twirl," said my wife.
The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!

[Jimbuna]

I went on McVities website earlier, and was relieved to find that they have a cookie policy.

[Herr-Berbunch]

The wife asked what I was up to on the computer.

"Just looking for some cheap flights. "

With that she ripped of both her and my clothes and made mad, passionate love to me.

Which was strange as she'd never seemed that interested in darts before.

[Jimbuna]

My wife suggested spicing up our sex life by adding a little role play.

"I'll be a prostitute" she said excitedly.

"Good idea" I replied.

"I'll be Peter Sutcliffe."

[BossMark]

Paddy was at Top Man buying a pair of trousers. He took a pair he liked to try on, when he spotted a notice,

"No more than 2 items allowed in changing room, please"

He was later arrested for indecent exposure wearing just a bobble hat.

[Jimbuna]

I knew it was a mistake getting engaged to my blonde girlfriend.

I've just asked her to make me a cup of tea, and she asked me to write down the recipe for her.

[BossMark]

As my wife lay dying the surgeon took me to one side,

"Your wife has one of the rarest blood groups known and as far as we know there is only one person on our records with a matching type. You. "

"Are you sure there is only me? " I asked,


"Yes. " replied the surgeon,

"you had me scared for a minute there, " I said, "I thought you were going to be able to save her."