The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

When me and my wife first met we were very much in love.

But I soon put a stop to that by marrying her.

[BossMark]

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating,

whereas human female prefers to stretch it over a life time.

[Jimbuna]

Merry Christmas everyone!

Best Wishes,
The Procrastination Society

[BossMark]

There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

A Russian, an American, and a German space traveler walked into a bar. . .

The American says, "I want to be the first man on Pluto for American glory and adoration!" The German says, "I want to be the first man on Pluto for the good of humanity!" The Russian says, "I just want to get out of the cold."

[BossMark]

"You are pretty," I told my wife,"and beauty is in the lies of the beholder."

That's when the fight started.

[Jimbuna]

I was imbibing a pint of ale in a beautiful country public house when I started conversing with an attractive young lady who turned out to be the daughter of a local Earl.

Anyhow, one thing led to another and I ended up inviting her to stay on my estate for the weekend and maybe do some shooting on the Sunday, which is a traditional pastime in my area.

She agreed most enthusiastically.

Just goes to show, a few elocution lessons and anyone will come back with you to Brixton.

[BossMark]

Recent studies suggest that there might be a link between margarine consumption and divorce rates.

Makes sense. My ex-wife left me soon after she switched from "I can't believe it's not butter" to "I can't believe you're still here."

[Jimbuna]

There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "Oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

[BossMark]

My cat came in with a dead bird in it's mouth earlier.The neighbour's daughter in fact.

Damn you Adopt a snow leopard bastards!

[Jimbuna]

I felt very disappointed to read that Macaulay Culkin was forced off stage by people throwing pint glasses at him.

They should have shown the little bugga what it's like to be smashed in the face with a tin of paint instead.

[Jimbuna]

A piece of crap is in our back lane, and Billy the fly lands and starts munching away on it.... 2 mins later Bobby the fly lands on it and he starts eating away.. Billy says to Bobby " Hi, haven't seen you for ages" He says " Well I have been on the sick !!"

[GilligansBoat]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

An irishman walks out of a bar.

HAHAHA

[GilligansBoat]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Merry Christmas everyone!

Best Wishes,
The Procrastination Society

That was a good one.....

[donna52522]

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."