The joke thread

[BossMark]

I won a competition to ride as a passenger in the famous Aston Martin from the film gold finger.
I had to decline the offer though due to my fear of ejection.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a psychiatrist and asked if he could do anything for my fear of rejection.

He said, "No."

[BossMark]

Just won 50 quid in a fart lighting contest.

I blew the competition away.

[Jimbuna]

"Enter the Dragon, I've never seen that for years, can I borrow it?" My mate asked.

It's what I called mine and the wife's sex tape, but I'll let him watch it.

[BossMark]

I hate people who refuse to let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

[Jimbuna]

Last night I won the Worst Body Odour contest hands down.

No one else came close.

[BossMark]

My local takeaway are running a deal where you get your meal free if it doesn't arrive within 45 minutes.

Was quite a chase but managed to outrun the delivery man for 20 minutes in my motorhome.

[Jimbuna]

Bought some chicken drumsticks earlier.

All I need to do now is find a chicken that can play the drums.

[BossMark]

I misunderstood a simple instruction at work today. My boss said, "Are you deaf?"

I replied, "No, I have 20-20 vision."

[Jimbuna]

My wife has left me because of my addiction to pole dancing.

On the plus side, my legs and stomach have never felt so well-toned.

[BossMark]

I have a mental problem.

Or a wife, as she prefers to be called.

[Jimbuna]

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser's.

The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you".

The little lad says, "He's not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut".

[BossMark]

I had my identity stolen by the Irish Mafia who took out a series of loans in my name.

Six months later and my credit rating has improved dramatically as they haven't missed a single payment.

[Jimbuna]

Putin is still livid that Prince Charles likened him to Hitler. 'I don't go around making personal remarks about him, the jug-eared idiot' he added.

[BossMark]

Phoned up the pest controller earlier as I've got a big pest problem in the house.

My wife doesn't count apparently.