The joke thread - Page 41

GoldenRivet · 10-02-11, 10:18 PM

Its Monday morning and an old man is sitting on his front porch rocking in his chair when a young man goes walking by dragging a cooler full of gatorade behind him.

"Where you going with all that gatorade?!" says the old man

the boy says "Im goin gator hunting."

Old man says "You cant hunt gators with gatorade."

about an hour later the kid comes walking back by the house dragging a cooler full of dead gators.

"Well I'll be." says the old man

Tuesday morning the kid goes walking by carrying a huge roll of duck tape brand duct tape.

the old man says "where you going with that duck tape?"

the kid says "im going duck hunting!!!"

"Kid you cant catch ducks with tape!" says the old timer

about an hour later the kid comes walking past with two long strands of duck tape rolled out behind him with 20 ducks stuck to each roll.

"Well I'll be." says the old man

Wednesday morning comes along and the kid goes walking by with a big roll of chicken wire.

"Where you goin with that chicken wire?!" says the old man

"Im goin to catch some chickens for mamma to fry up tonight."

"come on kid give me a break... you cant catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man

about an hour later the kid comes back with 10 chickens tangled up in the chicken wire.

"Well I'll be." says the old man

Thursday morning, the old man is sitting on his rocking chair and the kid comes walking by yet again.

this time he is dragging a huge pussywillow bush behind him.

the old man stands up and hurries down the steps...

"Hey kid wait up... I'm going hunting with you today."

BossMark · 10-03-11, 12:56 AM

An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

Lord_magerius · 10-03-11, 01:48 AM

Today I got the missus one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents.

A bus pass.

Jimbuna · 10-03-11, 05:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lord_magerius

Today I got the missus one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents.

A bus pass.

#578

A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck.

A Camel's toe is considered really good luck.

Sailor Steve · 10-03-11, 02:45 PM

A rabbit's foot is considered good luck.

Did anyone tell the rabbit?

Jimbuna · 10-03-11, 05:23 PM

I get all the best women at swingers parties.

That Ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 I've ever spent.

BossMark · 10-04-11, 03:30 AM

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mum," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mum, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

frau kaleun · 10-04-11, 10:20 AM

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant a question.
"Do you have the new book out for men with tiny manhoods? I tried to look it up but I can't remember the title."
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one, I'll take a copy."

BossMark · 10-04-11, 10:29 AM

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Jimbuna · 10-04-11, 12:41 PM

My wife said to me"we have been married 20 years and look it still fits me."

I said "Bugga off it's a scarf."

BossMark · 10-05-11, 01:22 PM

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

Ducimus · 10-05-11, 02:30 PM

A couple old jokes i've known since high school:

Q.) How do you kill a Marine who throws a grenade at you?
A.) Pull the pin out and throw it back.

Q.) How do you kill a battalion of Marines?
A.) Glue sand on a wall, and tell them to storm the beach.

Each branch of the service calls a helicopter by a different name.
A Saloir see's a helicopter, and says, "oh look, whirlybird".
A Soldier see's a helicopter, and says, "Oh look, chopper!"
An Airman see's a helicopter, and says, "Oh look, Rotary Winged Aircraft!"
A Marine see's a helicopter, he points up and says, "Ugghh! Uggghh!"

Jimbuna · 10-05-11, 03:31 PM

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

Ducimus · 10-05-11, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

Platapus · 10-05-11, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

Perhaps the bait is a bit too old?

10-02-11, 10:18 PM	#601
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,726 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	Its Monday morning and an old man is sitting on his front porch rocking in his chair when a young man goes walking by dragging a cooler full of gatorade behind him. "Where you going with all that gatorade?!" says the old man the boy says "Im goin gator hunting." Old man says "You cant hunt gators with gatorade." about an hour later the kid comes walking back by the house dragging a cooler full of dead gators. "Well I'll be." says the old man Tuesday morning the kid goes walking by carrying a huge roll of duck tape brand duct tape. the old man says "where you going with that duck tape?" the kid says "im going duck hunting!!!" "Kid you cant catch ducks with tape!" says the old timer about an hour later the kid comes walking past with two long strands of duck tape rolled out behind him with 20 ducks stuck to each roll. "Well I'll be." says the old man Wednesday morning comes along and the kid goes walking by with a big roll of chicken wire. "Where you goin with that chicken wire?!" says the old man "Im goin to catch some chickens for mamma to fry up tonight." "come on kid give me a break... you cant catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man about an hour later the kid comes back with 10 chickens tangled up in the chicken wire. "Well I'll be." says the old man Thursday morning, the old man is sitting on his rocking chair and the kid comes walking by yet again. this time he is dragging a huge pussywillow bush behind him. the old man stands up and hurries down the steps... "Hey kid wait up... I'm going hunting with you today." __________________

10-03-11, 12:56 AM	#602
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex" The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-03-11, 01:48 AM	#603
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	Today I got the missus one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents. A bus pass. __________________

10-03-11, 02:45 PM	#605
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	A rabbit's foot is considered good luck. Did anyone tell the rabbit? __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

10-03-11, 05:23 PM	#606
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,043 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I get all the best women at swingers parties. That Ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 I've ever spent. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-04-11, 03:30 AM	#607
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mum," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mum, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-04-11, 10:20 AM	#608
frau kaleun Rear Admiral Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Skyri--oh who are we kidding, I'm probably at Lowe's. Again. Posts: 12,706 Downloads: 168 Uploads: 0	A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant a question. "Do you have the new book out for men with tiny manhoods? I tried to look it up but I can't remember the title." She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

10-04-11, 10:29 AM	#609
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story is: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-04-11, 12:41 PM	#610
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,043 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said to me"we have been married 20 years and look it still fits me." I said "Bugga off it's a scarf." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-05-11, 01:22 PM	#611
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-05-11, 02:30 PM	#612
Ducimus Rear Admiral Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 12,987 Downloads: 67 Uploads: 2	A couple old jokes i've known since high school: Q.) How do you kill a Marine who throws a grenade at you? A.) Pull the pin out and throw it back. Q.) How do you kill a battalion of Marines? A.) Glue sand on a wall, and tell them to storm the beach. Each branch of the service calls a helicopter by a different name. A Saloir see's a helicopter, and says, "oh look, whirlybird". A Soldier see's a helicopter, and says, "Oh look, chopper!" An Airman see's a helicopter, and says, "Oh look, Rotary Winged Aircraft!" A Marine see's a helicopter, he points up and says, "Ugghh! Uggghh!"

10-05-11, 03:31 PM	#613
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,043 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!