The joke thread

[BossMark]

BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line .

I think you will find it's spelt " Rolls ".

[Jimbuna]

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.

I said "That's the one."

[BossMark]

My lecturer laughed at me because I didn't know what a simile was.

And I was like whatever.

[Jimbuna]

McDonalds is bringing out a new telepathic burger meal!!

Well that's food for thought.

[BossMark]

Panic strikes the Jeremy Kyle Show production office as news spreads that the long term unemployed must sign on every day.

[Jimbuna]

A court has ordered Ex-minister Chris Huhne to pay £77,750 in costs for his prosecution for perverting the course of justice.

Bet he puts it on his expenses.

[Jimbuna]

I can't remember the last time I actually got arrested for indecent exposure.

It was many moons ago.

[BossMark]

"Here you go love." I said to the wife, pulling a can from my bag, "have a beer."

"No, thanks," she replied.

"Oh, okay," I said, producing a bottle. "Vodka, then?"

"No, I don't think so," she sighed.

Another rummage in my bag... "A lovely brandy, perhaps?"

"No, I'd best not," she told me.

"Tequila?"

"I can't, baby," she said.

"Oh my god, you're pregnant, aren't you?" I gasped. "It's because you're pregnant, isn't it?"

"No, you thick sod," she replied. "It's because I'm still driving us home from the off licence."

[Jimbuna]

The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

[BossMark]

Paddy got a job as a waiter and was eager to impress.
' Can we have two cappuccinos please, ' said his first customers.
' Certainly, ' replied Paddy.
' Oh,and can you make sure my cup is clean, ' asked the woman.
Five minutes later Paddy approaches with his tray.
' Here we are,two cappuccinos.Which one of you wanted the clean cup, ' said Paddy

[Jimbuna]

I went to a referee's funeral today

It was a good send off

[BossMark]

Just came home with some fresh road kill for tea.

Or as everyone else recognizes him... that damn chicken that kept crossing the road.

[Jimbuna]

I see Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are still working on their prenup.

Apparently, they can't decide if the marriage will last 3 months or 4.

[magic452]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"



(Wait for it)





The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Magic

[BossMark]

Kate McCann says she had a dream about where Madeleine was buried.

That's not a dream Kate. It's called a memory love...