The Tipsy Tale: An Oblivion Adventure

[Oberon]

ALL GLORY TO THE HAMSTER

I mean, good update as always!

[Hottentot]

Uuugh...OK...admit it, Lalli...you're not young anymore. The last time may have been a little too much for my old head. I wonder how much alcohol I had in my blood? Must have been at least 4 per milles...

But it's all in the past now! I'm going to change! I will never again torment my liver! I will start a healthy life, eat herbs and go jogging with the dog!

As the first step of my new life, I have arrived to Imperial City again. I have a job interview!



I bought new fancy clothes for the occasion too. I hope they will make an impression!



This is where I'm supposed to meet my contact person. Hmm, the temptation...



And he hasn't even arrived yet? Maybe it's test? Maybe he is watching me from the dark corner? Or has disguised as a bar stool?



Or maybe he is just late. Bartender! A bottle of beer!



Finally, my contact person arrives, and I'm not even very drunk yet. So I show him my CV and he is very impressed. Great! Maybe now I should ask what kind of job I'm applying to?



He promises to tell it to me right after we have arrived to this shady side alley...



Err, not that I'm in situations like this often, but why are we going into the sewers?



No seriously, do I have to come in there? My shiny new pants are getting wet, and I ran out of money before I could even take a look at the shoes!



These guys have some interesting decorations in their office. I wonder what business they are running?



And this contact person guy seems to be very interested in all the dead critters in the sewers. Maybe he is a health inspector?



Finally we arrive to this little office, where I'm told to sit down behind the table. The big boss man is going to interview me himself.



OK. Ready for anything. But since he is not here yet, I'm going to take a leak in that corner. That beer sure went down quickly...



Uh oh, the boss man came, and I'm only in the middle of the thing.



Sheesh, can't you see I'm in the middle of something here dude? Could you look somewhere else and give me a freaking moment?



Hey, no need to get so worked up about it. Look, I'm already putting my pants back on. Have a look at my resume while waiting, OK?



He and his buddies turned out to be very stuck up, so this interview ended like things in my life usually end. Except I'm not drunk yet.



But then I tried finding my way out of the sewer and ended up in some dude's toilet. After I had knocked him unconscious and locked him inside, I was on my way out, but then saw he had forgotten some refreshments on the table. So why not celebrate my first day back in my old life then?

[Hottentot]

Another mini-update, because I don't know where to put these otherwise. I think the Finns will get the ending reference. Sorry, rest of the world.

- - - - - - -


Working sucks. Job interviews suck. Cities suck. City people suck. Wine in cities sucks. I want to be alone! I want to go walking in great forest, wear ridiculous clothing, grumble, swear and kick pine trees, like is customary to my people!



I want to eat suspicious wild mushrooms in forest, like is typical to my culture.



I want to swim naked and not be repressed by stupid civilization stuff that isn't part of my culture.



And most of all, I want to use my cultural right to get wasted on beach! Cheers!



Bleergh...good thing there is a flowing river right next to me...but hey? What's that in there?



A CHIP! A CHIP MADE BY A HUMAN BEING IN MY RIVER!! OUTRAGEOUS!



It came from this direction...

[Hottentot]

Whew. That was one seriously long river, but I think I finally found its source. The cursed chip came from here! There is another two legged being in here, and I'm going to tell it something about respecting my private space!



Here. Wolves and bears don't make doors, so they must be close. So close I can almost hear them breathing be...



...hind me?

What?! How is that guy there again?! I saw the [beeb] monsters eat him!



Well, if the monsters can't do the job, then I...

Hmm, wait a minute. If he still has that torch...



...Then I can take him with me to this dark cave and hope all the possible monsters living in here will eat him while I'm having conversation with the chip makers. Good idea!



Yeah, see that? What did I tell you! A human being! And obviously some weird RPG LARP loser on the top of that.



So is your head!



So me and my mace teach these LARP nerds about my delicate culture's idea of socially acceptable distance between my alcohol and them.



Until finally I enter this huge chamber, which is echoing from some sort of chants. Maybe they are again praying their weird LARP gods they would get laid before they turn 45?

[Hottentot]

Yup, look at that. Altar and all. I have to say, for dirt poor high school students they always find some impressive stuff for their sick games. Must be their rich parents paying it all.



Eh, they seem to have this whole "ritual sacrifice in front of a huge statue" thing going on as well. For self-proclaimed "more intelligent than average" folks they sure lack imagination. I mean, what if for once they would...

Hey!



That nerd got my bling!!



Raaah!! A moment ago it was my culture obligating me! Now it's personal!!



Perkeleee!



An epic fight scene occurs. While I'm distracted with dodging their light show and teaching these kids why metal is better material for weapons than foam, their brave leader opens up some sort of big ball of light...



And poof! Disappears with my bling! Grah!!



Hmm. Maybe I too could make such ball, if I knew how. I think it's related to that statue. I saw something similar in a movie once. There was this guy with a funny hat and a whip, and then there was this cult and lava and...



...A dumb blonde they tried to sacrifice.



I wasn't sure how I should have put him in there, but maybe they'll cut me some slack as a first timer.



Not that I'm an expert on dark sacrificial rituals, but I think this could be interpreted as some sort of sign of disapproval...

On the plus side, the statue crushed the moron too while falling, so I probably won't meet him again.



In retrospect I should maybe have offered one of their own. I mean, I killed them all by myself. Doesn't that count?



Well, can't get it all. That will teach them to throw chips in my river!

[Hottentot]

After paying respect to my culture and healing my homesickness, I'm starting a long trip back towards the civilization of these Southern lands...



...One fine establishment at a time...



Finally I end up in this house drinking booze with big green man. I like big green man more than the little green men. The big green man doesn't try to hit me with axes all the time.



However, it still doesn't save me from this nagging granny, who makes my head hurt even more.



After she is done with me, I try getting some refrehments from the shelf, but am instead interrupted by this ugly guy, who tells me to go speak to some moron called Maglir. His speech reminds me of my golden army days, so I almost instinctively reply: "Sir yes Sir" and get on with it before he decides to make me do pushups.



"Maglir" turns out to be as stupid as his name. I always wondered if someone really answered "yes" to all those "do you hear voices" and "are you being followed" questions in the P-tests, and now I've finally found the answer.



I decide to leave before he starts telling me about his plans of opening a flower boutique.



The Sarge is happy in any case and sends me on next mission for the Fatherland...



Namely talking to some guys who have been causing trouble in a pub nearby. Weird. Last time I experienced this, I was the guy sought by the MP.



So I go inside to see what's this all about and see that the boys are just getting familiar with best products of our fine Northern culture.



And since they have ordered to much educational material...


...I offer to show them a few pro-tricks.


Shee kidsh?! You keepsh oone leeg on the taablee and it doeshn't huurt so [beeb] much when you faaallsh down on your heead...



Woooo I'm the shuper maan!



I can flyyyy!



Ow, my [beeb]!



Well heyyy there, gorgeoush! Want to shee shome of my shuper powersh?



To [hic] my place or [hic]...



Yoooour plaaace...

[Hottentot]

Mmm...no honey, I don't think that skirt makes your tail look long...



Yuck! Phoot! Why do I have hairs in my mouth?!



Well, whoever she was, she has already left. So I suppose it's just time to pack up my stuff and start another day in my carefree bachelor...



...life?



Go away you little runts! I'm trying to drink! Shoo! And stop calling me "daddy"!



Doesn't it state somewhere that I'm entitled to 9 months for running away? Stupid foreign lands not playing by the rules.



I try asking from the local church if they have an orphanage dedicated to weird offsprings of a real man and some kind of whatever it was I banged last night.



Instead of helping me, the preacher starts recounting disturbing details from last night. So I quickly leave before I hear something I can't erase from my brain with just booze.



Instead I try finding the chick and explaining to her biological facts about bees and flowers. And women traditionally taking care of the byproducts.

Was it this one?



Or this? They all look the same to me.



This one looks familiar. I'm sure it had a fur and a tail.



Or maybe it was a lizard?

Dammit!

[Hottentot]

[Grumble grumble grumble...]



Hello. Thirty packs of diapers please. And your biggest axe.



Since I'm a responsible daddy, I'm going to teach my kids an important lesson about survival in the world.



Oh? None of them passed the exam? Too bad.



Well, I think my career as a parent ended then. I mean, what could ever undo...



This?

Sigh.



OK. Time to get creative. Lesson number two, lads...



The manly ways of spending spare time.



Wow, these boys are quick learners. I'm so proud of them!



Specifically, I'm going to be proud of them somewhere far away else.



Like here. Since they drank all my beer, I need to restock before returning to my happy, carefree bachelor life.

[Hottentot]

[Buurb!] Yeah! That sure hit the spot! Time to resume adventuring!



Why do I walk everywhere? I'm rich, I can afford a horse! A private horse, not one of those public ones! Public transportation is just for crazies, hippies, junkies and other foreigners!



Stay put and let me mount you, stupid horse! I'm a man! Master of the nature! I own you! And women too! It states so in that boring fundie book I never read!



Yeeehaaaa!



I can ride without hands!



Err, where did the road go? It was right there, I swear!



[Censored!]



Ooo, are those people there on the way? Yeah, I think they are!



Terribly sorry everyone! Good thing these things don't have license plates!



Oh, a bridge! Must concentrate! I'm going to hit the bridge, I'm going to hit the bridge, I'm going to hit the bridge...



Aww maaan...



Blblblblblblbl...



Just to be clear on this: my insurance does cover stuff like this, right?



[Hic!] Finally! That was one labyrinth for a river! And my stupid clothes got all wet too. I must ask some local to help me in finding new ones!



Aha! A police officer! I'm going to stop her. Her job is to help me. I'm a taxpayer!



Uh, stop!



Oh wow, it actually stopped. This has never happened before. I wonder what I should do next?



Heehee, I'm going to sleep here so she can't move any further! Teehehehehee!



Hey, I was just joking! It was a joke, alright! No need to get so angry about it! Women shouldn't be allowed as cops with their short temper and monthly mood changes anyway!



Help! Police brutality! Beating a naked man on the ground! Why isn't anyone filming this?!

[Dowly]

[Hottentot]

Mmh...no...no...go away...



Go away! Stop following me!



Shoo! I don't want to be your friend!



Leave me alone already!



What do you want from me anyway?! Just go somewhere else! Please!



Saved! I'm saved!



Wh...what?!



No...no, this can't be real...this can't be happening...no...



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!



NOOOOOO...Whuh? Where am I?

A nightmare! It was just a nightmare!



It seems I'm again in prison eating old bread and paying my debt to the society, but somehow this time it doesn't piss me off. Locked door and four sturdy walls around me. What more could I really ask for? I'm safe here. It can't find me from...



...Here?

No...no, this can't be real...this can't be happening...no...



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[Hottentot]

[Grumble grumble grumble]



No wonder the sentence was so short. I'm filing a complaint to the ECtHR. Clearly this idea of "community service" is violating my rights. I'm not sure which ones, but I know I'm supposed to have them in any case.



Since I got out of the prison, I tried offering that moron to some more talking statues, but every single one I found turned me down before I even got to the "I pay you" part.



Then I tried teaching him some cliff jumping and selling him off as a stuntman to the next James Bond film. Unfortunately he survived.



I also tried testing on him all the weird magic stuff I have found during my adventures, but the bugger is faster than he looks!



Even the Arena wouldn't accept him after the disgrace of a test match. They wouldn't listen to my suggestion of making him the official circus clown either.



So here I am and the dolt is following me to everywhere I go. I can't even have a drink without him asking if he can shine my bottle. If this won't stop, I'm either going mad or dying of thirst, whichever comes first.



Hmm...I think I just got a great idea...

[Hottentot]

So the kid wants an adventure? Fine! I'll take him on an adventure! Never thought I would step back to this place willingly, but no sacrifice is too big in this case. Onwards towards the Big Man's house!



No dark and scary, sulfur filled tunnels...



No angry locals...



And no amount of repetitive cookie cutter corridors is going to stop a determined Finn trying to save his right of getting wasted in peace and quiet.



You see, I have a theory. I don't think feeding him to these monsters would work...



Nor am I going to throw him off this narrow bridge into the lava below...



Even these huge guillotines won't do the trick (I tried).



But I happen to remember that last time I touched this huge shiny stone, I was kicked out of this place, and all the angry monsters on my heels were left behind...



So...



SUCCESS!!!



I should probably feel bad for leaving him in that place. I should maybe feel some guilt over letting all those monsters eat him in there over and over again. And maybe I should feel just a little evil for abusing his child-like trust like that.

But right now I feel just thirsty.

[Hottentot]

Ah! A quaint little village, with fine countryside inn, no doubt. Just what I needed! And how interesting architechtural choice with these beautiful stairs acting as a sort of main street of the hamlet!



[Grumble beeb rant] stupid stairs! Whose dumb idea was building them here! They are dangerous, I'm telling you! [Rant rant rant]



Err! Why does my mouth taste like sheep urine? And more importantly, where have I learned what the sheep urine tastes like in the first place? Stupid amnesia!



Hee, cheese! Someone had forgotten all this free cheese here behind the tightly locked vitrine.



Look at me, Southerners! I'm civilized too! I know cheese goes together with wine! Look at meee!



Umgh, what a night. I need something for my hangover. Good thing I still have this piece of cheese. I'll cook it here for breakfast.



Whuh? Hey? Where did my cheese go? Why aren't these local cat folks doing anything?



Yeah, just like I have always said: when the cat is a wimp, the rats...eat all my cheese? No, that't not how it goes...



Screw that! I'll take care of this hangover using the traditional Finnish way!



Blllb...feels better already...but maybe I should find some other place? Those clouds tell me it's soon starting to rain...



Err, burning dogs?



You know, the best part is that I'm actually sober enough to know this is really happening. Wow.



I don't know what drinks they are serving around here, but if I get kicks like that while sober, I'll just have to go take a few more rounds in this neighboring village too.

[Takeda Shingen]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

And no amount of repetitive cookie cutter corridors is going to stop a determined Finn trying to save his right of getting wasted in peace and quiet.

Best line in the whole AAR!