The joke thread - Page 399

Jimbuna · 04-22-14, 07:17 AM

Some bloke accused me of trying to pick pocket him today.

"You're too slow for me," he laughed, "Now go away before I call the police!"

I said, "With what?"

BossMark · 04-22-14, 08:01 AM

I confronted the new specialist after he found a mole and insisted on examining my wife's breasts for lumps.

"We have to take these things seriously," he said. "What did you expect me to do?"

"Well," I said. "Our old landscape gardener would have whacked it on the head with a spade."

Jimbuna · 04-23-14, 06:37 AM

David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed.

BossMark · 04-23-14, 07:03 AM

Celebrate St George's Day in true English style by standing in a long queue and complaining.

Jimbuna · 04-23-14, 07:20 AM

^Should be STEEDS favourite day then

BossMark · 04-23-14, 10:38 AM

So a few months ago we went to the saffer bar with some mates.
When my girlfriend got up to go to the bathroom I said I would get in a round of shots.

my girlfriends face was a picture.
I was legless....

BossMark · 04-23-14, 02:43 PM

I've just got a new job cutting people up all day, I love being a cabbie

Jimbuna · 04-24-14, 07:09 AM

I went to see my doctor this morning.

"Some bugga decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" he asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

BossMark · 04-24-14, 07:22 AM

Whenever I see a miserable checkout girl in Asda I tell her that the lady standing behind me is a mystery shopper.

It's quite entertaining as you watch them become really friendly while packing your shopping away.

Jimbuna · 04-24-14, 01:26 PM

I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.

Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.

BossMark · 04-24-14, 11:40 PM

Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George."

The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."

Jimbuna · 04-25-14, 06:31 AM

I can't believe it but Greggs now have some ethnic foreign rubbish on sale.

Cornish Pasties

BossMark · 04-25-14, 06:51 AM

You learn something new every day.

Unless you go to a faith school.

Jimbuna · 04-25-14, 06:56 AM

London's Gherkin skyscraper has been placed in receivership.

Looks like the owners got in a pickle.

BossMark · 04-25-14, 10:50 AM

Just offered up my services as a backing dancer for One Direction when they play at the Stadium Of Light next month.

Their agent responded with "Are you any good?"

I told him "Well not really, but to be fair neither are the other 11 useless sods that dance around there every weekend for lots of money".

04-22-14, 07:17 AM	#5971
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Some bloke accused me of trying to pick pocket him today. "You're too slow for me," he laughed, "Now go away before I call the police!" I said, "With what?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-22-14, 08:01 AM	#5972
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I confronted the new specialist after he found a mole and insisted on examining my wife's breasts for lumps. "We have to take these things seriously," he said. "What did you expect me to do?" "Well," I said. "Our old landscape gardener would have whacked it on the head with a spade." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-23-14, 06:37 AM	#5973
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-23-14, 07:03 AM	#5974
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Celebrate St George's Day in true English style by standing in a long queue and complaining. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-23-14, 07:20 AM	#5975
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	^Should be STEEDS favourite day then __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-23-14, 10:38 AM	#5976
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So a few months ago we went to the saffer bar with some mates. When my girlfriend got up to go to the bathroom I said I would get in a round of shots. my girlfriends face was a picture. I was legless.... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-23-14, 02:43 PM	#5977
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've just got a new job cutting people up all day, I love being a cabbie __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-24-14, 07:09 AM	#5978
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to see my doctor this morning. "Some bugga decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. "So why are you telling me?" he asked. "I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-24-14, 07:22 AM	#5979
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Whenever I see a miserable checkout girl in Asda I tell her that the lady standing behind me is a mystery shopper. It's quite entertaining as you watch them become really friendly while packing your shopping away. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-24-14, 01:26 PM	#5980
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-24-14, 11:40 PM	#5981
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George." The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-25-14, 06:31 AM	#5982
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I can't believe it but Greggs now have some ethnic foreign rubbish on sale. Cornish Pasties __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-25-14, 06:51 AM	#5983
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	You learn something new every day. Unless you go to a faith school. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-25-14, 06:56 AM	#5984
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,196 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	London's Gherkin skyscraper has been placed in receivership. Looks like the owners got in a pickle. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-25-14, 10:50 AM	#5985
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Just offered up my services as a backing dancer for One Direction when they play at the Stadium Of Light next month. Their agent responded with "Are you any good?" I told him "Well not really, but to be fair neither are the other 11 useless sods that dance around there every weekend for lots of money". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now