The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I fell asleep the other night at a friend's party and woke up to find that my friends had stuck a tea bag in my mouth .... I went absolutely mental .... Nobody makes a mug out of me

[BossMark]

I shouted through to my Mum yesterday morning, "Happy Mother's Day! How does breakfast in bed sound?"

"Lovely," she replied.

"Great," I said, "I'll have a full English."

[Jimbuna]

"If you were shipwrecked on a desert island, what's the one thing you'd like with you Dai?"

"A sheep."

"Nice. All that lovely roast lamb, mutton broth and some delicious chops will keep you going for ages. Plus the fleece will keep you warm, you can make tools from the bones and you could use the skin for a hammock."

"Oh yeh, I hadn't thought of that."

[BossMark]

People always mock Manchester United for having legions of fans who live nowhere near Manchester, but I think it happens at most clubs.

For example, my mate is a Derby County supporter and you'd be amazed at the number of Welshmen who tell me they absolutely love getting behind the Rams.

[Jimbuna]

I can't believe people are already giving David Moyes a hard time!

Look at the great job he did with Everton:

In 11 years in charge he never finished lower than 11th & even finished in the top 4 once.

I'm sure he can repeat this success with United.

[Herr-Berbunch]

For once I wish my girlfriend would say thank you when I bring her breakfast in bed, not shout 'who are you, get out of my house you weirdo'!

[BossMark]

I hate pub quizzes, everyone staring at you and expecting answers.

"I'll have a pint please." I said, eventually.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[BossMark]

The 'Irish Wildlife Association' have put penguins on the 'critically endangered' list.

After their two month expedition to the North Pole, they didn't find a single one.

[Jimbuna]

My mrs finished the night shift at 11:45 this morning and I promised to pick her up from work

Just received a text saying I'm 6 hours late and where am I

She doesn't know what day it is

[fireftr18]

Joke thread, funny picture thread. I don't know, so I put it here.

[BossMark]

I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive,

but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.

[Jimbuna]

My ex girlfriend told my mate that the reason why we both split up was because I am too obsessed with triangles.

I told him not to believe her and that there are three sides to every story.

[BossMark]

This girl asked me if I was interested in Christian dating.

"No, not really, "I told her, "but I would imagine December the twenty fifth is the most famous one."

[Jimbuna]

If Karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.