The joke thread

[CaptainMattJ.]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Jimbuna]

A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

"Hello," said the man, "would you like to buy a book titled 500 excuses to give your wife for staying out late?"

"Why on earth would I buy a book like that?" asked the woman.

"Because," replied the salesman, "I sold a copy to your husband this morning."

[BossMark]

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."

[Jimbuna]

Just won the World Mute Championships.
I have no words to describe it.

[BossMark]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Jimbuna]

I bought a security system from a Chinese man who came into the bar last night.

But it always seems to go off at the wrong time.

It's a false alarm.

[BossMark]

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

[Jimbuna]

Today I got the wife one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents.

A bus pass.

[BossMark]

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

[Jimbuna]

I've just texted my wife:

'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx'

She texted back:

'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx'

So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it, now we're going in 12 weeks instead.

Medvedev: Vitia, our countrys looks the same as two bottles of mineral water.

Yanukovich: Oh yeah

Medvedev: Only one of them without gas

[Jimbuna]

I forgot my golf shoes yesterday and had to play in my socks.

I got a hole in one.

[BossMark]

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese neighbours kid ran in today shouting, "Quick! prease come, mums tripped and she's breeding!"

"Don't worry kid!" I said, "This is England, there's no restriction on the number of children she can have here.

[BossMark]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."