The joke thread

[TarJak]

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays

[BossMark]

A man walks into a real ale pub with his own German beer mug. "A pint of 'John Smiths' bitter please," he says.

"Fill his stein," the barman tells the barmaid.

[TarJak]

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

[Jimbuna]

I was looking in a music shop and I saw a set of bagpipes,

"Look dear," I said to my wife, "they remind me of you."

"Why?" She replied, "just because I'm Scottish?"


"No, " I said, "they're mis-shapen, full of wind and sound horrible."

[BossMark]

Just rang Screwfix Direct.
They told me to sod off, turns out it's not a dating agency.

[Jimbuna]

I overheard my room-mate telling his friend how thick I am and that I hadn't noticed him gradually stealing all my golf equipment, taking one item a day so I wouldn't realise.

He had me down to a tee.

[BossMark]

An inquiry has found that the ceiling collapse at London's Apollo Theatre last December was caused by weak and old material.

Whoever booked Bobby Davro should be sacked.

[Jimbuna]

The Sunderland new away strip looks just like a deck chair. Ironically, there will be thousands of them at Blackpool next season.

[BossMark]

My daughter wanted a Cinderella party.

So I invited a couple of her friends round, and made them clean the house.

[Jimbuna]

I invented an automatic hair cutting machine and took it off to the patents office to get it registered.

After explaining how it worked, like a hair drying hood but with rotating knives, they seemed a little dubious.

"Have you taken the fact that everyone's head is a different shape into consideration", they asked.

In hindsight, "Only the first time they use it", probably wasn't the best answer.

[BossMark]

I was impressed when my Italian American actor friend told me he was starring as the Don in a big theater production.

Turns out he was playing the front half of a donkey in the local panto.

[TarJak]

Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: "Mmmwaamm!"
The second whale looks over and and says: "Holy moley, you're so drunk.

[BossMark]

My wife was reading the newspaper and said,

"Promise me we will not finish up like that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow."

"I promise, " I replied, "I can't write songs, and you can't bloody act."

[TarJak]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Ivan," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Maria," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

[BossMark]

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have agreed on 'a Conscious Uncoupling'

They've even managed to make divorce sound pretentious.