The joke thread - Page 385

BossMark · 03-12-14, 03:09 PM

A passenger was moaning about our over crowded trains.They said that ."You are never guaranteed a seat during the rush-hour." I said," That's not correct the driver always has one.

Jimbuna · 03-12-14, 03:43 PM

"Babe, it's crawling along the floor!" I yelled to my wife, as I jumped up onto the sofa, "Kill it before I do."

"Calm down, Dave," she replied, taking the newspaper out of my hand, "You really need to spend more time with these kids."

Armistead · 03-12-14, 07:40 PM

A baby Seal walks into a club.

Eisenwurst · 03-12-14, 09:05 PM

Sgt at Parade.

"Right, you lot. The Captain's giving a talk about Keats tonight. So hands up all you ignorant bastards doesn't know what a keat is"

BossMark · 03-13-14, 04:47 AM

A random number keeps sending me loads of pictures advertising tinned meat.

I bloody hate spam.

Jimbuna · 03-13-14, 06:19 AM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

BossMark · 03-13-14, 08:12 AM

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed.

"What's the matter, dear?" I said and sat up beside her.

"You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me and the kids," she cried.

Utterly shocked, I said, "I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn't drunk."

BossMark · 03-13-14, 12:22 PM

I went to the doctor's in a panic that I might have early onset Alzheimer's, as I'd suddenly realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," said the doctor, without even examining me.

"How can you tell without a brain scan or even a thorough check-up?" I asked.

"You're wearing a wedding ring."

Jimbuna · 03-13-14, 01:08 PM

I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing.

Bloody cold callers.

BossMark · 03-14-14, 07:51 AM

When I get the train to work in the mornings, I always take my bike on with me.

It's the only way to guarantee myself a seat.

Jimbuna · 03-14-14, 12:21 PM

"Why are you staring at my head?" asked some guy in the pub last night.

I said, "I'm checking out the hair."

"But, I'm completely bald." he replied.

I said, "I'm talking about mine."

BossMark · 03-14-14, 12:25 PM

'Police shut dual carriageway to hunt for man's PENIS'
If the combined Navies from 5 Countries can't find a Boeing 777
what chance does plod have of locating a chap's gentleman sausage?

Jimbuna · 03-14-14, 12:58 PM

As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me:

"Where have you been?"

"On a course" I replied.

"Fair enough" he said , "how did you get on?"

"Not bad", I smiled "3 under par."

BossMark · 03-15-14, 10:13 AM

Latest statistics show that 1 in 5 road traffic accident fatalities occurred because a seat belt was not worn.

Which means that 4 out of 5 people died wearing one.

No seat belt it is then.

Jimbuna · 03-15-14, 03:06 PM

I once left the scene of an accident.

Not deliberately, I just didn't have my seatbelt on.

03-12-14, 03:09 PM	#5761
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A passenger was moaning about our over crowded trains.They said that ."You are never guaranteed a seat during the rush-hour." I said," That's not correct the driver always has one. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-12-14, 03:43 PM	#5762
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Babe, it's crawling along the floor!" I yelled to my wife, as I jumped up onto the sofa, "Kill it before I do." "Calm down, Dave," she replied, taking the newspaper out of my hand, "You really need to spend more time with these kids." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-12-14, 07:40 PM	#5763
Armistead Rear Admiral Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: on the Dan Posts: 10,880 Downloads: 364 Uploads: 0	A baby Seal walks into a club. __________________ You see my dog don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

03-12-14, 09:05 PM	#5764
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,793 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	Old British Army Joke. Sgt at Parade. "Right, you lot. The Captain's giving a talk about Keats tonight. So hands up all you ignorant bastards doesn't know what a keat is" __________________

03-13-14, 04:47 AM	#5765
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A random number keeps sending me loads of pictures advertising tinned meat. I bloody hate spam. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-13-14, 06:19 AM	#5766
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-13-14, 08:12 AM	#5767
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I woke up this morning and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed. "What's the matter, dear?" I said and sat up beside her. "You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me and the kids," she cried. Utterly shocked, I said, "I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn't drunk." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-13-14, 12:22 PM	#5768
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I went to the doctor's in a panic that I might have early onset Alzheimer's, as I'd suddenly realised I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," said the doctor, without even examining me. "How can you tell without a brain scan or even a thorough check-up?" I asked. "You're wearing a wedding ring." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-13-14, 01:08 PM	#5769
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing. Bloody cold callers. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-14-14, 07:51 AM	#5770
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When I get the train to work in the mornings, I always take my bike on with me. It's the only way to guarantee myself a seat. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-14-14, 12:21 PM	#5771
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Why are you staring at my head?" asked some guy in the pub last night. I said, "I'm checking out the hair." "But, I'm completely bald." he replied. I said, "I'm talking about mine." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-14-14, 12:25 PM	#5772
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	'Police shut dual carriageway to hunt for man's PENIS' If the combined Navies from 5 Countries can't find a Boeing 777 what chance does plod have of locating a chap's gentleman sausage? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-14-14, 12:58 PM	#5773
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me: "Where have you been?" "On a course" I replied. "Fair enough" he said , "how did you get on?" "Not bad", I smiled "3 under par." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-15-14, 10:13 AM	#5774
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Latest statistics show that 1 in 5 road traffic accident fatalities occurred because a seat belt was not worn. Which means that 4 out of 5 people died wearing one. No seat belt it is then. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-15-14, 03:06 PM	#5775
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I once left the scene of an accident. Not deliberately, I just didn't have my seatbelt on. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!