The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Carrots may be good for your eyes.

But alcohol will double your vision.

Carrots must be good for you...ever seen a rabbit wearing spectacles?

[BossMark]

Ah, I was just remembering being at school - smoking with the 5th year lads behind the bike sheds, trying to cop off with all the girls, throwing stink bombs in through the staff room window.....
The headmaster said I was the worst caretaker they'd ever had.

[Jimbuna]

There's a sign in my local curry house saying..
"Try our curries, you'll never get better"
NOT eating there then!!!

[BossMark]

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had, until a fart that from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.

"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right, nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."

[Jimbuna]

So Russia invades Ukraine,years after they broke away from them,

Be warned Scotland, be warned.

[BossMark]

I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty
1000/1 if he walks

[Jimbuna]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[BossMark]

Great Numbers in Comedy History:

3 - the number of Stooges

12 - the number of episodes of "Fawlty Towers"

173 - the number of times this week I've heard the "Oscar Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on" joke

[Jimbuna]

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.

Chuck Norris doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.

[BossMark]

I went to this swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.

Never saw my BMW again.

[Jimbuna]

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[Eisenwurst]

Putin goes to a fortune teller.
"What do you see in my future?" He asks.
She says, "I see a victorious nation celebrating and many banners with writing on them."
"Great", he says, "what does the writing say?"
" I don't know", she says. "Its in Chinese".

[GoldenRivet]

A man walks in from work one evening and says to his wife: "honey I've invited a friend from work over to dinner tonight."

The wife, quite irritated says "what?! All we have is TV dinners, the house is a complete mess, I'm wearing a moo moo, my hair is in rollers and I'm way too tired to entertain you and your friend!"

The husband says "yeah... I know all that."

The wife says "if you knew all that why the hell did you invite him over?!"

The husband replies "well, he's thinking about getting married... I just wanted him to see what it was like before he made his decision."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend and I were on the beach when she said, "Let's make love in the sea."

"Only if we don't go very deep," I replied, "because I can't swim."

A little while later she giggled and asked, "Do you think anybody realises what we're doing?"

"Probably," I said, as another wave broke over my ankles.

[BossMark]

I walked in to a fish and chip shop today.

"I've got no fish already cooked and I'm out of cod, rock, plaice, haddock and scampi", said the bloke behind the counter.

"Better get your skates on then", I replied.