The joke thread II - Page 370

Platapus · 01-26-25, 09:25 AM

The President of the United States looks out of the window of the Oval office on January. He notices, written in the snow, "you suck"

He orders the FBI to conduct a full investigation and the head of the FBI reports back

Mr. President, we have completed our investigation and I have some good news and some bad news?

What's the good news?

Mr. President, the good news is that based on chemical analysis, we have determined that the urine used was that of the Vice President.

That's the good news?? What's the bad news?

Uh Mr. President. It was your wife's handwriting.

Jimbuna · 01-26-25, 10:02 AM

What happens when a walnut laughs heavily?

It cracks up,

Jimbuna · 01-27-25, 01:32 PM

Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long?

Why no, it’ll be round.

Jimbuna · 01-28-25, 10:36 AM

What sweet treat is never on time?

Choco-late.

Platapus · 01-28-25, 06:01 PM

Ever notice that the goal of the game of golf...

Is to play less golf?

Catfish · 01-28-25, 06:07 PM

^ Also a game to keep millionaires from being bored.
Some british fellow once said that playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.
Surely there is nothing more urgent that golf in our times.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/w...-b2687218.html

Jimbuna · 01-29-25, 09:40 AM

Donald Trump is attending a golf-related celebrity event and finds himself in the presence of the one-and-only Stevie Wonder, who speaks first.

“Very nice to meet you Mr. President. I have it on good authority that you deem yourself to be quite an accomplished golfer; I myself am an excellent golfer.”

Never one to be humble, Trumps seizes the opportunity. “Yes, I am one of the greatest golfers there is - I own several golf courses, and hope to build several more. Of course you know Greg Norman is a good friend of mine - a very good friend of mine. But tell me, how can you play golf when you are blind and can’t see anything?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, Mr. President - you see, part of my entourage involves a very loyal caddy who stands on the green right behind the next hole and calls out to me. Just as I can visualise music notes, I can visualise where the next hole is - with astonishing accuracy. In fact, I feel so confident that I propose you & I engage in a round of golf and I will even put $500,000 of my own money on the table as a wager ... double or nothing! Are you willing to accept my challenge, Mr. President?”

Trump can barely contain himself, thinking: ‘I can’t believe it; here is a man who was a legend back when Obama was a schoolboy in Kenya - whose skin is darker… AND ... he’s blind! This will be more fun than taking candy from babies!’

He ever-so-proudly announces, “Yes, I accept your challenge. In fact, I will even put up 1 million dollars of taxpay ... er ... I mean ... my OWN money! When do you want to play against me?”

Slowly waving his head around & beaming a big smile, Stevie Wonder replies, “Any night you wish, Mr. President, any night you wish”.

Platapus · 01-30-25, 04:58 AM

Success is when you earn enough money to hire someone to mow your lawn so you can go out and play golf for exercise

Jimbuna · 01-30-25, 09:36 AM

What’s the most famous fish?

A starfish!

Skybird · 01-30-25, 03:53 PM

Q: How can you recognize a vegan?
A: He will always tell you without being asked.

Jimbuna · 01-31-25, 08:10 AM

What are spiders really good at?

Surfing the web.

Jimbuna · 02-01-25, 12:44 PM

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.

Platapus · 02-02-25, 12:48 PM

Son: Dad, how can you tell if someone is an alcoholic?

Dad: Hmm, well, son, you see those two birds on that branch; well an alcoholic might see four birds.

Son: Dad.... there is only one bird on that branch

Dad: oh crap

Jimbuna · 02-02-25, 01:01 PM

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

Jimbuna · 02-03-25, 10:14 AM

Where would you find a giraffe?

The same place you lost it!

01-26-25, 09:25 AM	#5536
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,442 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	The President of the United States looks out of the window of the Oval office on January. He notices, written in the snow, "you suck" He orders the FBI to conduct a full investigation and the head of the FBI reports back Mr. President, we have completed our investigation and I have some good news and some bad news? What's the good news? Mr. President, the good news is that based on chemical analysis, we have determined that the urine used was that of the Vice President. That's the good news?? What's the bad news? Uh Mr. President. It was your wife's handwriting. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

01-26-25, 10:02 AM	#5537
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What happens when a walnut laughs heavily? It cracks up, __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-25, 01:32 PM	#5538
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long? Why no, it’ll be round. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-25, 10:36 AM	#5539
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What sweet treat is never on time? Choco-late. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-25, 06:01 PM	#5540
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,442 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Ever notice that the goal of the game of golf... Is to play less golf? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

01-28-25, 06:07 PM	#5541
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 17,822 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	^ Also a game to keep millionaires from being bored. Some british fellow once said that playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. Surely there is nothing more urgent that golf in our times. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/w...-b2687218.html __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

01-29-25, 09:40 AM	#5542
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Donald Trump is attending a golf-related celebrity event and finds himself in the presence of the one-and-only Stevie Wonder, who speaks first. “Very nice to meet you Mr. President. I have it on good authority that you deem yourself to be quite an accomplished golfer; I myself am an excellent golfer.” Never one to be humble, Trumps seizes the opportunity. “Yes, I am one of the greatest golfers there is - I own several golf courses, and hope to build several more. Of course you know Greg Norman is a good friend of mine - a very good friend of mine. But tell me, how can you play golf when you are blind and can’t see anything?” Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, Mr. President - you see, part of my entourage involves a very loyal caddy who stands on the green right behind the next hole and calls out to me. Just as I can visualise music notes, I can visualise where the next hole is - with astonishing accuracy. In fact, I feel so confident that I propose you & I engage in a round of golf and I will even put $500,000 of my own money on the table as a wager ... double or nothing! Are you willing to accept my challenge, Mr. President?” Trump can barely contain himself, thinking: ‘I can’t believe it; here is a man who was a legend back when Obama was a schoolboy in Kenya - whose skin is darker… AND ... he’s blind! This will be more fun than taking candy from babies!’ He ever-so-proudly announces, “Yes, I accept your challenge. In fact, I will even put up 1 million dollars of taxpay ... er ... I mean ... my OWN money! When do you want to play against me?” Slowly waving his head around & beaming a big smile, Stevie Wonder replies, “Any night you wish, Mr. President, any night you wish”. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-30-25, 04:58 AM	#5543
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,442 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Success is when you earn enough money to hire someone to mow your lawn so you can go out and play golf for exercise __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

01-30-25, 09:36 AM	#5544
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s the most famous fish? A starfish! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-30-25, 03:53 PM	#5545
Skybird Soaring Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: the mental asylum named Germany Posts: 42,816 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	Q: How can you recognize a vegan? A: He will always tell you without being asked. __________________ If you feel nuts, consult an expert.

01-31-25, 08:10 AM	#5546
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-01-25, 12:44 PM	#5547
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-02-25, 12:48 PM	#5548
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,442 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Son: Dad, how can you tell if someone is an alcoholic? Dad: Hmm, well, son, you see those two birds on that branch; well an alcoholic might see four birds. Son: Dad.... there is only one bird on that branch Dad: oh crap __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

02-02-25, 01:01 PM	#5549
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-03-25, 10:14 AM	#5550
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Where would you find a giraffe? The same place you lost it! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!