The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I just emailed my application form for the dominatrix club...

I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission.

[BossMark]

My blonde wife came home after going to the Doctor's today.
She told me that the man was very nice and even gave her a free prostate exam.

[Jimbuna]

I was standing outside a chemist yesterday when a tramp came up to me and asked if I had any spare nicotine patches.

[BossMark]

I came home from work today to see my wife stood in the garden whilst firemen put out the flames in our kitchen.

I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?"

"What could you have done?" she asked.

I replied, "Well, I could have gone to the Red Lion and got a bite to eat there."

[Jimbuna]

I was walking my dog through the park today when a warden came over and said, "There's a £50 fine for dogs who foul the footpath."

"Well that's not going to bother him," I replied, pointing to my dog. "He's never got any money."

[BossMark]

"Oh my God! What happened to you?" the doctor asked my wife, when I dropped her off at the hospital.

"Nothing," she said. "I start work here today."

[Jimbuna]

My wife and her Weightwatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.
It was just like that famous film.


Gone in sixty seconds.

[BossMark]

My wife had to apologies to a priest after a church service today. She said, "I'm sorry my husband walked out on your service half way through. The priest replied, "Yes, it was a little disconcerting." She said, "It's nothing personal,

[Jimbuna]

Facebook.

Letting you know what someone you never spoke to at school is having for dinner since February 2004.

[Tango589]

Originally Posted by BossMark

My wife had to apologies to a priest after a church service today. She said, "I'm sorry my husband walked out on your service half way through. The priest replied, "Yes, it was a little disconcerting." She said, "It's nothing personal,

*waiting for the punchline*

[Moonlight]

A country boy goes to the big city to get a job. He gets a job as a salesman at a super/mega store. At the end of his first day, his manager asked him how the first day went.
Manager: How many sales did you make?
Country Boy: Only one.
Manager: Only one? What's the problem?
Country Boy: But it was for $300,000.
Manager: That's fantastic! I've never heard of anything like that!!! How'd you do it?
Country Boy: Well, this guy came in and we were looking at fish hooks. He wanted a small one, but I talked him into buying a bigger one. And since he got a bigger hook, he needed a bigger fishing pole. And if he was going to get a bigger fishing pole for some serious fishing, I told him he might as well buy a fishing boat. He said he'd like to, but his car wasn't big enough to haul a fishing boat, so I sold him a bigger car! All in all, the sale was $300,000.
Manager: WOW! I can't believe it! All because he wanted a fishhook?
Country Boy: Well, no. Actually he'd come in to buy his wife a box of tampons. I told him, "Well, your weekend is shot . . . you might as well go fishing!"

[Jimbuna]

I gave my wife her first driving lesson today.

I said to her, "Go straight ahead, mount the kerb, try to miss the lamp post, shudder to a halt at the junction, and then bunny hop 100 yards down the road until the clutch burns out."

[BossMark]

As me and the wife laid there together.

I said, "Remember our first date? We went to the fair, brought some fish and chips, went on the roller coaster, we screamed, went in the love tunnel and we kissed, then we walked for miles over a field, laid down in the grass, made love, then a month later you found out you was pregnant, your dad told me that I had to do the right thing, my parents also told me I had to do the right thing, so we got married and we have raised little Jimmy so well too."

Wife at this point welling up and nearly bursting into tears, said, "Yes."

I looked back and said to her, "What was the name of that chip shop?"

[Jimbuna]

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand. "How bad were the beatings?"

"Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.

[BossMark]

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand. "How bad were the beatings?"

"Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.