The joke thread - Page 369

BossMark · 02-01-14, 04:37 AM

I persuaded a woman not to jump of a bridge earlier.

The bloke selling bungee jumps was bloody livid.

Jimbuna · 02-01-14, 06:41 AM

I'll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me her garden.

She then showed me the hole at the bottom of her garden. Full of water.

"Throw in a coin and make a wish." She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

BossMark · 02-01-14, 09:45 AM

First Justin Bieber gets arrested for drink driving, then in the same week he gets arrested for assaulting a limo driver.

This is great! Now if he rapes someone before the end of the month, I win a £1,500 accumulator at Ladbrokes.

Jimbuna · 02-01-14, 09:59 AM

Broken pencils are pointless.

BossMark · 02-01-14, 10:25 AM

I saw a blind man picking up his dog's poop today.

I said, "Fair play to you, most blind people wouldn't pick up their dog's poo."

"Dog poo?" he replied. "Then where's my bloody phone?"

Jimbuna · 02-01-14, 12:17 PM

Wide scale flooding expected throughout Manchester tonight as thousands of Utd fans flush their season tickets down the toilet.

BossMark · 02-01-14, 12:34 PM

Italy have no chance of America cooperating with them over the extradition of Amanda Knox.

They have no oil.

Jimbuna · 02-01-14, 01:03 PM

My ginger son came home from school yesterday, crying because he has no friends. I asked, "Haven't you got an imaginary friend?"

"I've got two," he wailed, "but even they play together and don't let me join in."

BossMark · 02-02-14, 08:14 AM

A girl I know posted this on Facebook:

"Something tragic about watching Celebrity Big Brother on my day off."

She could have just left out "on my day off".

Jimbuna · 02-02-14, 08:17 AM

I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im sic of it.

BossMark · 02-02-14, 12:28 PM

I came across a guy about to jump off a bridge. Noticing his wedding ring I said, "Think about your wife."

Oh well, I'm guessing she was problem.

Jimbuna · 02-02-14, 12:40 PM

Cops have a real bad attitude.

Especially when you can run faster than them.

Armistead · 02-02-14, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im sic of it.

me two....

Jimbuna · 02-02-14, 03:09 PM

I visited a psychic to see if she could contact my wife in the afterlife.

After a few minutes of meditation she said, "She is with us."

"Diane," I said. "Can you hear me? I have a burning question and I can not live if you don't give me the answer. If you ever loved me, please answer."

"Yes," said the psychic. "Diane is ready for your question."

I summoned up all my strength. "Diane," I said. "How do you turn the oven on?"

BossMark · 02-03-14, 05:09 AM

"No. it's true," my mate said to us all down the pub. "She's really a virgin and I'm going to be the first man to enjoy her body, although she insists on waiting 'til after the wedding............ By the way, you're all invited of course."

"Thanks," I said. "We might even come to the wedding first."

02-01-14, 04:37 AM	#5521
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I persuaded a woman not to jump of a bridge earlier. The bloke selling bungee jumps was bloody livid. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-01-14, 06:41 AM	#5522
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me her garden. She then showed me the hole at the bottom of her garden. Full of water. "Throw in a coin and make a wish." She said. So I did. I remember her well. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-01-14, 09:45 AM	#5523
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	First Justin Bieber gets arrested for drink driving, then in the same week he gets arrested for assaulting a limo driver. This is great! Now if he rapes someone before the end of the month, I win a £1,500 accumulator at Ladbrokes. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-01-14, 09:59 AM	#5524
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Broken pencils are pointless. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-01-14, 10:25 AM	#5525
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I saw a blind man picking up his dog's poop today. I said, "Fair play to you, most blind people wouldn't pick up their dog's poo." "Dog poo?" he replied. "Then where's my bloody phone?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-01-14, 12:17 PM	#5526
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wide scale flooding expected throughout Manchester tonight as thousands of Utd fans flush their season tickets down the toilet. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-01-14, 12:34 PM	#5527
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Italy have no chance of America cooperating with them over the extradition of Amanda Knox. They have no oil. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-01-14, 01:03 PM	#5528
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My ginger son came home from school yesterday, crying because he has no friends. I asked, "Haven't you got an imaginary friend?" "I've got two," he wailed, "but even they play together and don't let me join in." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-02-14, 08:14 AM	#5529
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A girl I know posted this on Facebook: "Something tragic about watching Celebrity Big Brother on my day off." She could have just left out "on my day off". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-02-14, 08:17 AM	#5530
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar. Im sic of it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-02-14, 12:28 PM	#5531
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I came across a guy about to jump off a bridge. Noticing his wedding ring I said, "Think about your wife." Oh well, I'm guessing she was problem. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-02-14, 12:40 PM	#5532
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Cops have a real bad attitude. Especially when you can run faster than them. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-02-14, 03:09 PM	#5534
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I visited a psychic to see if she could contact my wife in the afterlife. After a few minutes of meditation she said, "She is with us." "Diane," I said. "Can you hear me? I have a burning question and I can not live if you don't give me the answer. If you ever loved me, please answer." "Yes," said the psychic. "Diane is ready for your question." I summoned up all my strength. "Diane," I said. "How do you turn the oven on?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-03-14, 05:09 AM	#5535
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"No. it's true," my mate said to us all down the pub. "She's really a virgin and I'm going to be the first man to enjoy her body, although she insists on waiting 'til after the wedding............ By the way, you're all invited of course." "Thanks," I said. "We might even come to the wedding first." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now