The joke thread - Page 367

Jimbuna · 01-25-14, 12:30 PM

Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.

Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

BossMark · 01-25-14, 12:36 PM

Earlier, my wife choked to death on a chicken McNugget.

I always wondered why they called it a 'Happy Meal'.

TarJak · 01-25-14, 03:15 PM

Bruce decides to go back home to Sydney so he calls Qantas to book his flight. The operator asks him, ‘How many people are flying with you?’ Bruce replies, ‘Strewth mate, how would I know? It’s your plane.

BossMark · 01-26-14, 09:23 AM

My wife said, "We've been married nearly 20 years now. Wouldn't you like to go on a second honeymoon?"

I said, "That's a great idea."

So I divorced her and married my girlfriend.

Jimbuna · 01-26-14, 10:08 AM

"I won't be coming in today," I said to my boss, "My doctor says I suffer from selective hearing."

"That's not even a medical condition you idiot," he replied, "You better get your backside here immediately or else."

"Thank you so much for understanding. See you tomorrow then!"

BossMark · 01-27-14, 01:42 AM

If Justin Bieber really cared about his fans he would admit to being gay before he goes to prison.

It would make them happy to know that he's having fun.

Jimbuna · 01-27-14, 07:09 AM

I was watching Man City and someone knocked a pie out of my hands. Luckily, I managed to go down and catch it with one hand before it hit the ground. I got a standing ovation by the lads around me for my quick thinking and agility.

A week later, I'm in an advert for Head & Shoulders and playing in goal for England.

BossMark · 01-27-14, 01:30 PM

I had sex with my young, blonde secretary, and made her promise to keep it a secret. A lot of good that did.

I told everyone myself.

Jimbuna · 01-27-14, 01:49 PM

What do you call a Scottish petrol pump attendant?

Phil McCann.

BossMark · 01-28-14, 03:55 AM

I was walking through the park the other day and this guy staggers out of the lake carrying a set of golf clubs. I was so surprised, I yelled "What the hell happened?"
Guy says "I just went out of control and drove off of that bridge and landed in he lake!!" He handed me his clubs and says "Here, hold on to these, I have to go back for my wife!"

Jimbuna · 01-28-14, 06:33 AM

Justin Bieber goes to jail

Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.

Then learns cell mate is dyslexic.

BossMark · 01-28-14, 10:19 AM

My Internet Explorer has finally finished installing.

It seems that a young girl by the name of McCann has been abducted in Portugal.

Jimbuna · 01-28-14, 10:33 AM

I had to leave the room earlier because once I started laughing I just couldn't stop.
My wife wasn't impressed and apparently I won't be present at the birth of any future children...

BossMark · 01-28-14, 10:48 AM

If Scotland does gain it's independence, I'll make sure I'm standing at the border, ready to wave them good luck.

I missed the Titanic setting sail, so I'm not missing this.

Jimbuna · 01-28-14, 11:58 AM

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"

"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.

"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."

01-25-14, 12:30 PM	#5491
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-25-14, 12:36 PM	#5492
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Earlier, my wife choked to death on a chicken McNugget. I always wondered why they called it a 'Happy Meal'. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-26-14, 09:23 AM	#5494
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife said, "We've been married nearly 20 years now. Wouldn't you like to go on a second honeymoon?" I said, "That's a great idea." So I divorced her and married my girlfriend. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-26-14, 10:08 AM	#5495
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"I won't be coming in today," I said to my boss, "My doctor says I suffer from selective hearing." "That's not even a medical condition you idiot," he replied, "You better get your backside here immediately or else." "Thank you so much for understanding. See you tomorrow then!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-14, 01:42 AM	#5496
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	If Justin Bieber really cared about his fans he would admit to being gay before he goes to prison. It would make them happy to know that he's having fun. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-25-14, 03:15 PM	#5493
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Bruce decides to go back home to Sydney so he calls Qantas to book his flight. The operator asks him, ‘How many people are flying with you?’ Bruce replies, ‘Strewth mate, how would I know? It’s your plane.

01-27-14, 07:09 AM	#5497
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was watching Man City and someone knocked a pie out of my hands. Luckily, I managed to go down and catch it with one hand before it hit the ground. I got a standing ovation by the lads around me for my quick thinking and agility. A week later, I'm in an advert for Head & Shoulders and playing in goal for England. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-14, 01:30 PM	#5498
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I had sex with my young, blonde secretary, and made her promise to keep it a secret. A lot of good that did. I told everyone myself. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-27-14, 01:49 PM	#5499
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call a Scottish petrol pump attendant? Phil McCann. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-14, 03:55 AM	#5500
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was walking through the park the other day and this guy staggers out of the lake carrying a set of golf clubs. I was so surprised, I yelled "What the hell happened?" Guy says "I just went out of control and drove off of that bridge and landed in he lake!!" He handed me his clubs and says "Here, hold on to these, I have to go back for my wife!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-28-14, 06:33 AM	#5501
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Justin Bieber goes to jail Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Then learns cell mate is dyslexic. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-14, 10:19 AM	#5502
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My Internet Explorer has finally finished installing. It seems that a young girl by the name of McCann has been abducted in Portugal. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-28-14, 10:33 AM	#5503
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I had to leave the room earlier because once I started laughing I just couldn't stop. My wife wasn't impressed and apparently I won't be present at the birth of any future children... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-14, 10:48 AM	#5504
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	If Scotland does gain it's independence, I'll make sure I'm standing at the border, ready to wave them good luck. I missed the Titanic setting sail, so I'm not missing this. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-28-14, 11:58 AM	#5505
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?" "That's my new girlfriend." I replied. "Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!