The joke thread - Page 356

Jimbuna · 12-27-13, 07:12 AM

So I come home early one day and the wife is sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked.

"What's going on? Why are you naked?" I ask.

"Oh, it's just that I haven't got any clothes to wear," she replies.

"Bollocks," I say, throwing open the closet door. "Look, you've got tons of clothes. Here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's Fred, here's a flowered dress..."

Jimbuna · 12-27-13, 10:02 AM

I've deleted your previous post for you...it was a carbon copy of your previous post

Jimbuna · 12-29-13, 06:35 AM

I was in bed watching the wife slip on her new stiletto heels.

"Are you ready for the pain babe?" she giggled and then handed over the receipt.

BossMark · 12-29-13, 04:14 PM

As we came out of the church, my new bride walked across the street, kicked a homeless tramp in the face and spat on him.

"What the hell was that about?," I asked.

"Shut up," she replied, "or you'll become an ex husband too."

Jimbuna · 12-29-13, 05:04 PM

My wife left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, her loss.

Armistead · 12-29-13, 11:06 PM

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

BossMark · 12-30-13, 12:33 AM

Terrible news on the F1 scene today....

Races are set to continue to be televised next year.

Aktungbby · 12-30-13, 12:40 AM

A young GI is touring the tea houses of Tokyo on leave and sampling the local delights. Seeking to impress a comely hostess of surpassing beauty, he rips open his tunic to bare the tattooed flag on his chest, "American!" he boasts...the lovely diplomatic geisha calmly loosens her kimono and obi and opens it slightly in a revelatory fashion: "Nipponese"!!!

Jimbuna · 12-30-13, 06:16 AM

I showed a class of Welsh children a David Blaine DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.

But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.

BossMark · 12-31-13, 02:34 AM

As news that Michael Schumacher is in a critical condition spread, a whole host of current F1 stars have come out and said how gutted they are.

That it's not Sebastian Vettel.

Jimbuna · 12-31-13, 05:48 AM

No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.

BossMark · 12-31-13, 08:54 AM

Everyone said the wife and I got married way too early.

"Don't you think we should at least wait for some of the guests to arrive?" The priest asked.

Jimbuna · 12-31-13, 10:24 AM

It's just turned New Year in North Korea - Happy 1950!

BossMark · 01-01-14, 04:43 AM

For all my Scottish mates, the 1986 calendars are the ones you can now pull out and use again.

Jimbuna · 01-01-14, 06:35 AM

I just got a free Xbox one, PS4 and Android phone!

It's almost as if this gun is magical.

12-27-13, 07:12 AM	#5326
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	So I come home early one day and the wife is sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked. "What's going on? Why are you naked?" I ask. "Oh, it's just that I haven't got any clothes to wear," she replies. "Bollocks," I say, throwing open the closet door. "Look, you've got tons of clothes. Here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's Fred, here's a flowered dress..." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-27-13, 10:02 AM	#5327
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've deleted your previous post for you...it was a carbon copy of your previous post __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-29-13, 06:35 AM	#5328
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was in bed watching the wife slip on her new stiletto heels. "Are you ready for the pain babe?" she giggled and then handed over the receipt. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-29-13, 04:14 PM	#5329
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	As we came out of the church, my new bride walked across the street, kicked a homeless tramp in the face and spat on him. "What the hell was that about?," I asked. "Shut up," she replied, "or you'll become an ex husband too." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-29-13, 05:04 PM	#5330
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, her loss. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-29-13, 11:06 PM	#5331
Armistead Rear Admiral Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: on the Dan Posts: 10,880 Downloads: 364 Uploads: 0	A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” __________________ You see my dog don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

12-30-13, 12:33 AM	#5332
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Terrible news on the F1 scene today.... Races are set to continue to be televised next year. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-30-13, 12:40 AM	#5333
Aktungbby Gefallen Engel U-666 Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: On a tilted, overheated, overpopulated spinning mudball on Collision course with Andromeda Galaxy Posts: 30,140 Downloads: 24 Uploads: 0	A young GI is touring the tea houses of Tokyo on leave and sampling the local delights. Seeking to impress a comely hostess of surpassing beauty, he rips open his tunic to bare the tattooed flag on his chest, "American!" he boasts...the lovely diplomatic geisha calmly loosens her kimono and obi and opens it slightly in a revelatory fashion: "Nipponese"!!!

12-30-13, 06:16 AM	#5334
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I showed a class of Welsh children a David Blaine DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display. But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-31-13, 02:34 AM	#5335
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	As news that Michael Schumacher is in a critical condition spread, a whole host of current F1 stars have come out and said how gutted they are. That it's not Sebastian Vettel. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-31-13, 05:48 AM	#5336
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow. The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-31-13, 08:54 AM	#5337
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Everyone said the wife and I got married way too early. "Don't you think we should at least wait for some of the guests to arrive?" The priest asked. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-31-13, 10:24 AM	#5338
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It's just turned New Year in North Korea - Happy 1950! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-01-14, 04:43 AM	#5339
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	For all my Scottish mates, the 1986 calendars are the ones you can now pull out and use again. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-01-14, 06:35 AM	#5340
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just got a free Xbox one, PS4 and Android phone! It's almost as if this gun is magical. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!