The joke thread - Page 355

BossMark · 12-23-13, 01:06 PM

All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration.
I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph

Jimbuna · 12-23-13, 01:15 PM

"It's Christmas Eve Eve!". No it's not, it's the 23rd December and stop calling me Eve.

Herr-Berbunch · 12-23-13, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

"It's Christmas Eve Eve!". No it's not, it's the 23rd December and stop calling me Eve.

The wife's called Eve, so I can say it's xmas eve eve Eve.

Jimbuna · 12-23-13, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

The wife's called Eve, so I can say it's xmas eve eve Eve.

Call her what you want but best ensure she's out of earshot

Tango589 · 12-23-13, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

The wife's called Eve, so I can say it's xmas eve eve Eve.

Oh, I so hope your real name is Adam...

Tango589 · 12-23-13, 03:34 PM

On a related note, I'm just about to to some damage to this:

Jimbuna · 12-23-13, 05:25 PM

^ Mouthwash

Tango589 · 12-23-13, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

^ Mouthwash

I wouldn't have said that. it has a certain joi de vivre about it.

Anyway, back to the jokes...

Jimbuna · 12-24-13, 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tango589

I wouldn't have said that. it has a certain joi de vivre about it.

Anyway, back to the jokes...

LOL...the beer looks good

fireftr18 · 12-24-13, 09:59 AM

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

Jimbuna · 12-24-13, 12:16 PM

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Rea has broken down!

BossMark · 12-25-13, 02:14 AM

2013 years and nine months ago, God visited the 12-year-old Virgin Mary in her sleep. When He left, she was bearing his one and only child.

It's only a matter of time before Operation Yewtree catch up with Him.

Jimbuna · 12-25-13, 05:34 AM

Ah Christmas.
The day you have a lie in, then get up to go visit friends, play on the new Playstation games, have a couple of drinks, followed by a turkey dinner and Christmas pud, then just chill out for the rest of the day while someone else cleans up all your mess.

It's awesome in prison.

Jimbuna · 12-26-13, 09:21 AM

Christmas Day in World War One, the German and the Allied forces call a truce and begin a friendly game of football in the middle of No Man's Land.

They probably still beat us on penalties.

BossMark · 12-27-13, 01:56 AM

My girlfriend said, "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know."

Turns out she meant together

12-23-13, 01:06 PM	#5311
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration. I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-23-13, 01:15 PM	#5312
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,311 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"It's Christmas Eve Eve!". No it's not, it's the 23rd December and stop calling me Eve. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-23-13, 03:34 PM	#5316
Tango589 Still crazy as ever! Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 3,378 Downloads: 180 Uploads: 1	On a related note, I'm just about to to some damage to this: __________________ Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...

12-23-13, 05:25 PM	#5317
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,311 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	^ Mouthwash __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-24-13, 09:59 AM	#5320
fireftr18 Ocean Warrior Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Kentucky Posts: 2,528 Downloads: 77 Uploads: 0	That's how the fight started My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started. __________________ Of all the forms of Martial Arts, Karaoke causes the most pain!

12-24-13, 12:16 PM	#5321
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,311 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BREAKING NEWS: Chris Rea has broken down! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-25-13, 02:14 AM	#5322
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	2013 years and nine months ago, God visited the 12-year-old Virgin Mary in her sleep. When He left, she was bearing his one and only child. It's only a matter of time before Operation Yewtree catch up with Him. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-25-13, 05:34 AM	#5323
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,311 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Ah Christmas. The day you have a lie in, then get up to go visit friends, play on the new Playstation games, have a couple of drinks, followed by a turkey dinner and Christmas pud, then just chill out for the rest of the day while someone else cleans up all your mess. It's awesome in prison. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-26-13, 09:21 AM	#5324
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,311 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Christmas Day in World War One, the German and the Allied forces call a truce and begin a friendly game of football in the middle of No Man's Land. They probably still beat us on penalties. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-27-13, 01:56 AM	#5325
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My girlfriend said, "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know." Turns out she meant together __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now