The joke thread - Page 351

BossMark · 12-11-13, 07:58 AM

My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework.

Selfish cow, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

Maltadog · 12-11-13, 09:53 AM

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my crimson shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's crimson shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my crimson shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your crimson shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the crimson shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown trousers!!"

Maltadog · 12-11-13, 09:54 AM

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Jimbuna · 12-11-13, 10:03 AM

If a woman ever pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese & mayonnaise.........

Her instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich ....

BossMark · 12-12-13, 04:39 AM

One Direction have claimed their New Year's resolution is to try something new .
Might I suggest : Russian roulette skydiving

Jimbuna · 12-12-13, 05:23 AM

'Ok then dad show us what you got'.

'Two pair', he said slamming them on the table.

'Oh...I have 3 of a kind', I replied laughing.

'Right that's enough son, these socks are going straight back to Primarks

Herr-Berbunch · 12-12-13, 07:31 AM

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!

kranz · 12-12-13, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!

BossMark · 12-12-13, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!

Oops better put my reading glasses on in future

Jimbuna · 12-12-13, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his!

I know what his problem is...too much of those exercises that can affect your eyesight whilst waiting for the next Ukrainian flight to arrive at Leeds/Bradford

Sailor Steve · 12-12-13, 10:18 AM

The real problem is people copying and pasting things without taking the time to relax and enjoy them.

Jimbuna · 12-12-13, 12:46 PM

So Nelson Mandela went from prison to politics.

Quite the opposite of how we do it in this country.

AVGWarhawk · 12-13-13, 01:06 PM

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!

Happy Holidays!

Sailor Steve · 12-13-13, 01:39 PM

Nice to see one that's funny.

TarJak · 12-13-13, 02:03 PM

Unfortunately it's also a repeat. That one has been posted before

12-11-13, 07:58 AM	#5251
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework. Selfish cow, it took me hours to mop that carpet. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-11-13, 10:03 AM	#5254
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If a woman ever pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese & mayonnaise......... Her instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich .... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-12-13, 04:39 AM	#5255
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	One Direction have claimed their New Year's resolution is to try something new . Might I suggest : Russian roulette skydiving __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-12-13, 05:23 AM	#5256
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	'Ok then dad show us what you got'. 'Two pair', he said slamming them on the table. 'Oh...I have 3 of a kind', I replied laughing. 'Right that's enough son, these socks are going straight back to Primarks __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-12-13, 07:31 AM	#5257
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Once again Mark doesn't look at the last post before his! __________________

12-11-13, 09:53 AM	#5252
Maltadog Swabbie Join Date: Oct 2013 Posts: 13 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my crimson shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's crimson shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my crimson shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your crimson shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the crimson shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown trousers!!"

12-11-13, 09:54 AM	#5253
Maltadog Swabbie Join Date: Oct 2013 Posts: 13 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!" "Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

12-12-13, 10:18 AM	#5261
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	The real problem is people copying and pasting things without taking the time to relax and enjoy them. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

12-12-13, 12:46 PM	#5262
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	So Nelson Mandela went from prison to politics. Quite the opposite of how we do it in this country. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-13-13, 01:06 PM	#5263
AVGWarhawk Lucky Jack Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In a 1954 Buick. Posts: 28,294 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it! Happy Holidays! __________________ “You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.” ― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

12-13-13, 01:39 PM	#5264
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Nice to see one that's funny. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

12-13-13, 02:03 PM	#5265
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Unfortunately it's also a repeat. That one has been posted before