The joke thread - Page 348

BossMark · 12-02-13, 02:29 AM

I hear that, on X Factor, you can now download the tracks sung by the contestants.

Sorry, but I'd rather download an attached file from my new friend in Nigeria..

Jimbuna · 12-02-13, 07:17 AM

I got a visit for the CID today, they said that thermal imaging photography had identified a huge heat source coming from the attic, and believe I am growing cannabis.

No such luck I replied, the mother-in-law has moved in.

Aktungbby · 12-02-13, 04:50 PM

Never play cards in the SERENGETI; There are too many Cheetahs!

Jimbuna · 12-02-13, 04:57 PM

It's quite ironic the kkk are racist..

They all look the same to me.

Aktungbby · 12-02-13, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

It's quite ironic the kkk are racist they all look the same to me.

Yup, three sheets to the wind and holier than thou...

Moonlight · 12-02-13, 05:23 PM

American Football and the Blonde
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the the best -- because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

BossMark · 12-03-13, 04:53 AM

Following Tom Daley admitting he's gay, rumours are rife that his boyfriend is a fellow Olympian.

My money's on Fatima Whitbread.

Jimbuna · 12-03-13, 05:00 AM

A dancer at the Bolshoi ballet has been convicted of throwing acid in the face of the company's artistic director.

Police believe the man may have struck before, as it has emerged he once worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

AVGWarhawk · 12-03-13, 03:30 PM

Myself and my wife have been married for over 18 years now and we have had two very beautiful daughters. But I've always wanted a son and after trying for a incredibly long time, we succeeded and my wife became pregnant. Nine months later and I'm rushing to the hospital after hearing my wife was going into labor. When I got into the delivery room I was staring at the ugliest child I had ever seen. I shouted at my wife, "Have you been screwing another man?"She replied with a smirk, "Not this time".

Jimbuna · 12-03-13, 03:33 PM

^

Armistead · 12-03-13, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AVGWarhawk

Myself and my wife have been married for over 18 years now and we have had two very beautiful daughters. But I've always wanted a son and after trying for a incredibly long time, we succeeded and my wife became pregnant. Nine months later and I'm rushing to the hospital after hearing my wife was going into labor. When I got into the delivery room I was staring at the ugliest child I had ever seen. I shouted at my wife, "Have you been screwing another man?"She replied with a smirk, "Not this time".

Yea, when my son was born I looked at my wife and told her "you just gave birth to a blue lizard." Thankfully he changed colors soon after...

Herr-Berbunch · 12-03-13, 04:32 PM

Britain's No1 diver has announced that he is gay.....

Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.

(And is it me or is Tom the only one surprised that he's gay?)

Jimbuna · 12-03-13, 05:08 PM

When asked what they wanted for Christmas ' eight of ten guests on the Jeremy Kyle show said their two front teeth.

Jimbuna · 12-04-13, 09:25 AM

My wife said, "I don't know what I'd say if you ever won the lottery."

I said, "Oh, there's three little words that spring to mind."

She said, "I love you?"

I said, "No... where's he gone?"

AVGWarhawk · 12-04-13, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Armistead

Yea, when my son was born I looked at my wife and told her "you just gave birth to a blue lizard." Thankfully he changed colors soon after...

My brother's statement to his wife after his first child was born, "She is white, I'm half way there." (true story)

He has since divorced.

12-02-13, 02:29 AM	#5206
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I hear that, on X Factor, you can now download the tracks sung by the contestants. Sorry, but I'd rather download an attached file from my new friend in Nigeria.. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-02-13, 07:17 AM	#5207
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got a visit for the CID today, they said that thermal imaging photography had identified a huge heat source coming from the attic, and believe I am growing cannabis. No such luck I replied, the mother-in-law has moved in. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-02-13, 04:50 PM	#5208
Aktungbby Gefallen Engel U-666 Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: On a tilted, overheated, overpopulated spinning mudball on Collision course with Andromeda Galaxy Posts: 30,099 Downloads: 24 Uploads: 0	Never play cards in the SERENGETI; There are too many Cheetahs! __________________ "Only two things are infinite; The Universe and human squirrelyness?!!

12-02-13, 04:57 PM	#5209
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It's quite ironic the kkk are racist.. They all look the same to me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-03-13, 04:53 AM	#5212
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Following Tom Daley admitting he's gay, rumours are rife that his boyfriend is a fellow Olympian. My money's on Fatima Whitbread. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-02-13, 05:23 PM	#5211
Moonlight Ocean Warrior Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Fookhall Copse Posts: 2,530 Downloads: 184 Uploads: 0	American Football and the Blonde Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

12-03-13, 05:00 AM	#5213
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A dancer at the Bolshoi ballet has been convicted of throwing acid in the face of the company's artistic director. Police believe the man may have struck before, as it has emerged he once worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-03-13, 03:30 PM	#5214
AVGWarhawk Lucky Jack Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In a 1954 Buick. Posts: 28,295 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	Myself and my wife have been married for over 18 years now and we have had two very beautiful daughters. But I've always wanted a son and after trying for a incredibly long time, we succeeded and my wife became pregnant. Nine months later and I'm rushing to the hospital after hearing my wife was going into labor. When I got into the delivery room I was staring at the ugliest child I had ever seen. I shouted at my wife, "Have you been screwing another man?"She replied with a smirk, "Not this time". __________________ “You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.” ― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

12-03-13, 03:33 PM	#5215
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	^ __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-03-13, 04:32 PM	#5217
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Britain's No1 diver has announced that he is gay..... Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time. (And is it me or is Tom the only one surprised that he's gay?) __________________

12-03-13, 05:08 PM	#5218
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When asked what they wanted for Christmas ' eight of ten guests on the Jeremy Kyle show said their two front teeth. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-13, 09:25 AM	#5219
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,112 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said, "I don't know what I'd say if you ever won the lottery." I said, "Oh, there's three little words that spring to mind." She said, "I love you?" I said, "No... where's he gone?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!