The joke thread - Page 347

BossMark · 11-28-13, 03:43 PM

I was getting a lap dance off a stripper.

I said, "I'll give you £20 if you to come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle."

"It'll have to be more than that!" she replied.

I said, "Okay. What about sex?"

Jimbuna · 11-29-13, 06:35 AM

I bought the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

You don't open the doors.

BossMark · 11-29-13, 06:59 AM

The Scottish national party have said that If Scotland gets independence it will want the following.

To keep the Pound
To keep the monarchy
To keep BBC programmes.

That's like divorcing the wife but telling her you'll be home for tea at night and still expect sex.

Jimbuna · 11-29-13, 10:38 AM

Secret tips to increase muscle growth by 127% ??
Psssst... Photoshop.
Don't tell anyone!

BossMark · 11-29-13, 12:00 PM

As I watched my wife walk onto the motorway into the path of oncoming traffic, I was powerless to stop her.

After all, they tell you should never wake someone who is sleepwalking.

Jimbuna · 11-29-13, 01:01 PM

Call centres are like Windows.

They say that they're finding a solution to my problem but in the end they do nothing at all.

Armistead · 11-29-13, 09:21 PM

I blew it again. My wife came home and found me in bed with a naked woman....started yelling and screaming. I asked her why she was so mad, reminded her just the other night she woke me up saying she was miserable and that we needed a new mistriss, in which she replied " Idiot, I said a new mattress."

Jimbuna · 11-30-13, 07:30 AM

I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's.

BossMark · 11-30-13, 11:25 AM

I tell people I've got one of those pressure cookers at home.

It sounds better than saying I'm a henpecked husband.

kranz · 11-30-13, 12:32 PM

this is not a joke as such, found this on a Polish board...
http://www.boredpanda.com/americans-...ntries-on-map/
(Americans asked to name European countries

)
(if this is a re-post, banish me to the US or better - sentence me to death)

Jimbuna · 11-30-13, 03:21 PM

After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.

BossMark · 12-01-13, 06:20 AM

I get so nervous meeting the parents of my new girlfriends, I normally get dumped shortly after. One of them said it was because I always insist on doing my party trick to break the ice.

But it cant be that, all my mates crack up when I light my own farts.

Jimbuna · 12-01-13, 07:15 AM

Every morning this week I've looked out my living room window and there's been a German shepherd taking a crap on my lawn. This morning I looked out and the cheeky bugga had only gone and brought his dog with him.

Sailor Steve · 12-01-13, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kranz

banish me to the US or better - sentence me to death

Jimbuna · 12-01-13, 10:14 AM

I was chatting up this blonde woman from Essex.
I asked her age, she said, "Ha, that's my secret."
"Secret" I replied, "Women are useless at keeping secrets."
She looked at me and smiled, "You reckon? well I've kept it secret for the last 30 years."

11-28-13, 03:43 PM	#5191
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was getting a lap dance off a stripper. I said, "I'll give you £20 if you to come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle." "It'll have to be more than that!" she replied. I said, "Okay. What about sex?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-29-13, 06:35 AM	#5192
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I bought the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. You don't open the doors. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-29-13, 06:59 AM	#5193
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The Scottish national party have said that If Scotland gets independence it will want the following. To keep the Pound To keep the monarchy To keep BBC programmes. That's like divorcing the wife but telling her you'll be home for tea at night and still expect sex. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-29-13, 10:38 AM	#5194
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Secret tips to increase muscle growth by 127% ?? Psssst... Photoshop. Don't tell anyone! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-29-13, 12:00 PM	#5195
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	As I watched my wife walk onto the motorway into the path of oncoming traffic, I was powerless to stop her. After all, they tell you should never wake someone who is sleepwalking. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-29-13, 01:01 PM	#5196
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Call centres are like Windows. They say that they're finding a solution to my problem but in the end they do nothing at all. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-29-13, 09:21 PM	#5197
Armistead Rear Admiral Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: on the Dan Posts: 10,880 Downloads: 364 Uploads: 0	I blew it again. My wife came home and found me in bed with a naked woman....started yelling and screaming. I asked her why she was so mad, reminded her just the other night she woke me up saying she was miserable and that we needed a new mistriss, in which she replied " Idiot, I said a new mattress." __________________ You see my dog don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

11-30-13, 07:30 AM	#5198
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today. I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-30-13, 11:25 AM	#5199
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I tell people I've got one of those pressure cookers at home. It sounds better than saying I'm a henpecked husband. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-30-13, 12:32 PM	#5200
kranz The Old Man Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Poland Posts: 1,430 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	this is not a joke as such, found this on a Polish board... http://www.boredpanda.com/americans-...ntries-on-map/ (Americans asked to name European countries ) (if this is a re-post, banish me to the US or better - sentence me to death)

11-30-13, 03:21 PM	#5201
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After 17 job interviews, and still no job, I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-01-13, 06:20 AM	#5202
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I get so nervous meeting the parents of my new girlfriends, I normally get dumped shortly after. One of them said it was because I always insist on doing my party trick to break the ice. But it cant be that, all my mates crack up when I light my own farts. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-01-13, 07:15 AM	#5203
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Every morning this week I've looked out my living room window and there's been a German shepherd taking a crap on my lawn. This morning I looked out and the cheeky bugga had only gone and brought his dog with him. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-01-13, 10:14 AM	#5205
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was chatting up this blonde woman from Essex. I asked her age, she said, "Ha, that's my secret." "Secret" I replied, "Women are useless at keeping secrets." She looked at me and smiled, "You reckon? well I've kept it secret for the last 30 years." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!