The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I'm having my kitchen refitted at the moment, so I'm having to survive on fast food and takeaways.

So far I've had McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, KFC, Indian, Chinese and a pizza.

Good job it's only taking a day, otherwise It'd cost me a fortune.

[BossMark]

I'm in the dog house again.

My wife said, "All of the crockery is broken, what did you do with it?"

I replied, "1200 spin, 90 degrees, cotton wash

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese neighbor told me he'd just opened a "Crows shop"
I said "Don't you mean a clothes shop?"
He said "A Crows shop!"
I said "OK, I might pop down for a Rook

[BossMark]

I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to a place fifty miles away.

When we arrived, I got him to sit for an hour with the engine running, then told him to take me home.
When we got back he asked, "What was the purpose of that journey?"

I replied, "It was just cheaper than sitting in the house with the heating on."

[Jimbuna]

I've put on tons of weight since my wife and I separated.

My friends are concerned that my excessive eating is an emotional response.

They're right, I'm absolutely delighted to be eating good food again.

[BossMark]

"Oh my God," she panicked, "That's my husband. Quick! If he sees us together he'll kill you. Hide in the wardrobe."

Christ, I thought as I got in, this man must be insanely jealous if he can't even bear to see his wife talking to a sales assistant in the bedroom department of Ikea.

[Jimbuna]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''

Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.

''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''

''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''

[BossMark]

My mate said, "If when you were born and there was an envelope with the exact time and date of when you would die, what would you do?"

I said, "bugger all. I can't read it!"

[Jimbuna]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

[BossMark]

"I'm quite an expert at mathematics," said my new blonde girlfriend.

"Oh really?" I said,"Explain symmetry then."

"That's the place where my granddad and nan are buried." she replied.

[Jimbuna]

I was hit in the face with a TV control today

It wasn't even remotely funny...

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''

Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.

''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''

''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''

[AVGWarhawk]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

[Jimbuna]

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.

He's 7' 2" now

[TarJak]

Originally Posted by BossMark

"I'm quite an expert at mathematics," said my new blonde girlfriend.

"Oh really?" I said,"Explain symmetry then."

"That's the place where my granddad and nan are buried." she replied.

She sounds like a kiwi