The joke thread - Page 339

Jimbuna · 11-04-13, 09:02 AM

Grimsby Town 0-2 Bath

Two tap ins, apparently.

Jimbuna · 11-04-13, 01:25 PM

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky
new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she says... "Wonderful!"

So being the kind hearted Yorkshireman, he thought

"What the hell, I'll treat her!"

...So they walked past again..........

TarJak · 11-04-13, 03:45 PM

Double glazing is doing great business in Yorkshire in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

Jimbuna · 11-04-13, 04:30 PM

^ROFLMAO

TarJak · 11-05-13, 07:09 AM

A Yorkshireman dropped a two pence piece in front of a bus. He jumped in front of the vehicle to retrieve his money and was killed outright. As he was only twenty years of age there was a post mortem examination carried out - revealing he'd died of natural causes.

BossMark · 11-05-13, 07:17 AM

Hmm take the piss out of Yorkshire is

we are not tight but very careful with our pennies

BossMark · 11-05-13, 07:18 AM

Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the buggers.

TarJak · 11-05-13, 07:32 AM

A Yorkshireman is working at a sewerage works. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!

He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "Noa bonnie lad t' jacket's ruined"
He replies "Yes I kna bur uz sandwiches are int' pcoket."

Jimbuna · 11-05-13, 07:34 AM

The British Medical Association has now classified Obesity as a disease.

So I bought my Wife a Get Well Soon card.

TarJak · 11-05-13, 07:40 AM

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

"He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix.

The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis.

The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

Jimbuna · 11-05-13, 07:55 AM

Protect your kids this Bonfire Night from fireworks by storing them in a tin..

Just don't tell the NSPCC and remember to put some holes in the tin lid so they can breath.

BossMark · 11-05-13, 11:28 AM

When my wife came in from work I flung my arms around her.
"Thank God you're safe!"
"What's brought this on?" She asked, puzzled.
"I heard that a cow was causing chaos on the M62 and just made the assumption that you'd broken down."

Jimbuna · 11-05-13, 01:10 PM

My pet lion refuses to mate.

Perhaps he's afraid of being labeled a 'Sexual Predator'.

BossMark · 11-06-13, 11:39 AM

I made a meal for my 8 year old today and he said it was the most delicious meal he'd ever had.

It was only a cheese sandwich but my wife normally feeds him.

Jimbuna · 11-06-13, 01:03 PM

"Where you going to pal?" asked the taxi driver,

"It's a couple of miles down this road," I said,

"You want to indicate left after the shop."

"Whereabouts is that?" he asked.

"It's that little stick on the left side of your steering wheel."

11-04-13, 09:02 AM	#5071
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Grimsby Town 0-2 Bath Two tap ins, apparently. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-13, 01:25 PM	#5072
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she says... "Wonderful!" So being the kind hearted Yorkshireman, he thought "What the hell, I'll treat her!" ...So they walked past again.......... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-13, 04:30 PM	#5074
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	^ROFLMAO __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-05-13, 07:17 AM	#5076
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Hmm take the piss out of Yorkshire is we are not tight but very careful with our pennies __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-05-13, 07:18 AM	#5077
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are. Government sources suggest around 60,000. Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the buggers. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-13, 03:45 PM	#5073
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Double glazing is doing great business in Yorkshire in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

11-05-13, 07:09 AM	#5075
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	A Yorkshireman dropped a two pence piece in front of a bus. He jumped in front of the vehicle to retrieve his money and was killed outright. As he was only twenty years of age there was a post mortem examination carried out - revealing he'd died of natural causes.

11-05-13, 07:32 AM	#5078
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	A Yorkshireman is working at a sewerage works. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo! He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "Noa bonnie lad t' jacket's ruined" He replies "Yes I kna bur uz sandwiches are int' pcoket."

11-05-13, 07:34 AM	#5079
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The British Medical Association has now classified Obesity as a disease. So I bought my Wife a Get Well Soon card. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-05-13, 07:40 AM	#5080
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50. Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50. Then a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Can ye nae play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

11-05-13, 07:55 AM	#5081
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Protect your kids this Bonfire Night from fireworks by storing them in a tin.. Just don't tell the NSPCC and remember to put some holes in the tin lid so they can breath. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-05-13, 11:28 AM	#5082
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When my wife came in from work I flung my arms around her. "Thank God you're safe!" "What's brought this on?" She asked, puzzled. "I heard that a cow was causing chaos on the M62 and just made the assumption that you'd broken down." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-05-13, 01:10 PM	#5083
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My pet lion refuses to mate. Perhaps he's afraid of being labeled a 'Sexual Predator'. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-06-13, 11:39 AM	#5084
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I made a meal for my 8 year old today and he said it was the most delicious meal he'd ever had. It was only a cheese sandwich but my wife normally feeds him. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-06-13, 01:03 PM	#5085
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Where you going to pal?" asked the taxi driver, "It's a couple of miles down this road," I said, "You want to indicate left after the shop." "Whereabouts is that?" he asked. "It's that little stick on the left side of your steering wheel." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!