The joke thread - Page 338

Jimbuna · 10-30-13, 12:56 PM

I went on a blind date last night.

"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Guess," she giggled.

"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.

"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"

"Because my friend told me you were good looking."

Jimbuna · 10-31-13, 05:23 AM

Living in Liverpool Halloween is always a stressful time - However this year I have a plan! I have put up a sign on the door saying "Job Centre" that should keep the little buggas away.

BossMark · 10-31-13, 08:55 AM

N Power sent me a letter beginning, 'Let us explain why your bills have gone up'.

Not once in two pages did it say, 'Because we're greedy bastards'.

Jimbuna · 10-31-13, 09:28 AM

I did something really embarrassing on my blind date last night.

I needed the loo and accidentally walked into the ladies toilets.

Not as embarrassed as her though, she was stuck halfway out the bathroom window.

BossMark · 10-31-13, 12:35 PM

Russian premier Vladimir Putin has stated that gay people will be 'welcome' at the Winter Olympics in Sochi.

'The archers will need targets,' he added.

Jimbuna · 10-31-13, 01:07 PM

Ever since I gave my uncle a surprise brewery tour for his 50th all my family have turned their back on me.

So he missed one AA meeting. Big deal.

BossMark · 11-01-13, 03:47 AM

Yesterday I went into a shop today to buy a Dracula costume.

The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt.

I said, "I think you misheard me", I said "I wanted to look like a Count!"

Jimbuna · 11-01-13, 06:01 AM

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look terrible."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

BossMark · 11-02-13, 02:17 AM

US Secretary of State John Kerry has admitted that in some cases, US spying has gone too far.

As he emerged from a locker in the girls changing room.

Jimbuna · 11-02-13, 08:30 AM

Being married I've discovered that money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

kranz · 11-02-13, 09:21 AM

A true story which took place last Sunday.

We are having a lecture with a 65 year-old Professor of Law when suddenly the Professor asks: 'Does anyone have a pendrive?'

A girl sitting in my row raises her hand and gives her USB to the Professor.
'I will copy a few bills concerning labor law and tax regulations', says the Professor.

The Professor inserts the USB and stares at his laptop.
After a minute or two, the Professor says: 'I have a question to the lady who gave me the pendrive - it's the F drive, right?'

(IT courses should be mandatory - no hard feelings Jim)

Jimbuna · 11-02-13, 12:11 PM

Just wait till I learn how to attach files to emails and add contacts to the address book...then we'll see who's laughing

Jimbuna · 11-03-13, 05:19 AM

Some people take Halloween so seriously.

Like I was driving past the vets the other day and saw someone even dressed their dog up like a lampshade.

Jimbuna · 11-04-13, 06:17 AM

My mate Paddy went on a blind date with a girl last night.

Halfway through the evening, she showed him a photograph and said, "Here are my twins."

"Your twins?" laughed Paddy. "Yeah, right!"

"They are," she said. "Why don't you believe me?"

"I might be Irish, but I'm not stupid," replied Paddy. "They look at least twenty years younger than you."

Herr-Berbunch · 11-04-13, 08:23 AM

I just asked a Geordie if he could spell 'yo-yo'.

He said 'Y, I'.

I stopped him there.

10-30-13, 12:56 PM	#5056
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went on a blind date last night. "So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked. "Guess," she giggled. "Are you a hypnotist?" I said. "No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?" "Because my friend told me you were good looking." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-31-13, 05:23 AM	#5057
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Living in Liverpool Halloween is always a stressful time - However this year I have a plan! I have put up a sign on the door saying "Job Centre" that should keep the little buggas away. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-31-13, 08:55 AM	#5058
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	N Power sent me a letter beginning, 'Let us explain why your bills have gone up'. Not once in two pages did it say, 'Because we're greedy bastards'. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-31-13, 09:28 AM	#5059
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I did something really embarrassing on my blind date last night. I needed the loo and accidentally walked into the ladies toilets. Not as embarrassed as her though, she was stuck halfway out the bathroom window. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-31-13, 12:35 PM	#5060
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Russian premier Vladimir Putin has stated that gay people will be 'welcome' at the Winter Olympics in Sochi. 'The archers will need targets,' he added. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-31-13, 01:07 PM	#5061
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Ever since I gave my uncle a surprise brewery tour for his 50th all my family have turned their back on me. So he missed one AA meeting. Big deal. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-01-13, 03:47 AM	#5062
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Yesterday I went into a shop today to buy a Dracula costume. The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt. I said, "I think you misheard me", I said "I wanted to look like a Count!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-01-13, 06:01 AM	#5063
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look terrible." "Last night was crazy." I replied. "What happened?" he asked. "Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome." "Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked. "No, she was out." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-02-13, 02:17 AM	#5064
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	US Secretary of State John Kerry has admitted that in some cases, US spying has gone too far. As he emerged from a locker in the girls changing room. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-02-13, 08:30 AM	#5065
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Being married I've discovered that money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-02-13, 09:21 AM	#5066
kranz The Old Man Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Poland Posts: 1,430 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	A true story which took place last Sunday. We are having a lecture with a 65 year-old Professor of Law when suddenly the Professor asks: 'Does anyone have a pendrive?' A girl sitting in my row raises her hand and gives her USB to the Professor. 'I will copy a few bills concerning labor law and tax regulations', says the Professor. The Professor inserts the USB and stares at his laptop. After a minute or two, the Professor says: 'I have a question to the lady who gave me the pendrive - it's the F drive, right?' (IT courses should be mandatory - no hard feelings Jim)

11-02-13, 12:11 PM	#5067
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just wait till I learn how to attach files to emails and add contacts to the address book...then we'll see who's laughing __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-03-13, 05:19 AM	#5068
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Some people take Halloween so seriously. Like I was driving past the vets the other day and saw someone even dressed their dog up like a lampshade. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-13, 06:17 AM	#5069
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My mate Paddy went on a blind date with a girl last night. Halfway through the evening, she showed him a photograph and said, "Here are my twins." "Your twins?" laughed Paddy. "Yeah, right!" "They are," she said. "Why don't you believe me?" "I might be Irish, but I'm not stupid," replied Paddy. "They look at least twenty years younger than you." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-13, 08:23 AM	#5070
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	I just asked a Geordie if he could spell 'yo-yo'. He said 'Y, I'. I stopped him there. __________________