The joke thread - Page 336

BossMark · 10-23-13, 12:31 PM

My wife was ironing and I wondered if she was thick enough to put the iron to her ear if the phone rang. So I rang the landline from my mobile and she put the iron down and went to answer it.

"No one there, is that you messing about again? Trying to make me look stupid," she said.

"Not at all, but I do love the smell of burning silk though." I replied.

kranz · 10-23-13, 12:33 PM

why can't we give the couple from this thread the child from this thread and call it quits?

BossMark · 10-23-13, 11:40 PM

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

Jimbuna · 10-24-13, 07:14 AM

I'm currently at my mate Dave's house looking at some fishing equipment he has invented.

It's totally ridiculous and very unnecessary.

He's due to go on Dragon's Den next week and I'm fairly sure that he is going to get laughed at.

A hook that he can also wear as a ring? A reel that straps to his forehead?.

He's just making a rod for his own back.

TarJak · 10-24-13, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

So you hooked up with Svetlana from Ukraine then?

Jimbuna · 10-24-13, 02:03 PM

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists.

They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

BossMark · 10-24-13, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

So you hooked up with Svetlana from Ukraine then?

Good one mate

BossMark · 10-24-13, 02:21 PM

I was walking past a sex shop when my daughter started pointing at the window saying, "Please daddy, will you get me one?"

"No way!" I said.

"Aw, daddy," she sobbed. "But I really need it?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because my room is bloody freezing with no window!"

Jimbuna · 10-24-13, 03:31 PM

I used to have a pet bird. He always helped me do things, especially when I became really unhealthy and breathing became difficult for me. I couldn't do anything without huffing and Puffin.

nikimcbee · 10-24-13, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

That sounds like the plot line for a bad porno movie.

TarJak · 10-24-13, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikimcbee

That sounds like the plot line for a bad porno movie.

You've been watching the wrong ones then. The ones I watch don't need a plot

BossMark · 10-25-13, 12:55 AM

A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today.

He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?"

I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."

Jimbuna · 10-25-13, 04:44 AM

Stone Age cavemen were today celebrating the invention of the wheel by connecting a round stone with a wooden axle.
"We also tried a design with a separate hub and rim but so far we haven't developed a way of keeping them apart," said a spokesman.

BossMark · 10-25-13, 05:02 AM

I was talking to this guy on holiday. 'what's up mate?' I asked.

'Oh, it's just I've lost one of the hotel slippers from my room, and you know how much the hotel charges for lost items.'

'Ah, sod it. Do what I do. Wait until next door is out, then sneak in and nick theirs. They normally don't make a fuss, and you save money.'

'What a great Idea.' he said. 'And you've done this?'

'Yeah. I did it for years. I lost the TV remote when I was in the Seychelles, nicked the one from the snobby old retired bastards next door. On another holiday to the Canary Islands I lost all the hotel towels, bang, nicked ones from the Banker and his misses in the next room. One year in Barbados I even lost all the sun loungers and nicked the ones from the stuck up Company Directors room adjoining mine. And none of them ever made a peep.'

'Wow.Thanks for the advice' he said, 'Do you still do it now?'

'Nah. I stopped about 6 years ago.'

'Why is that?It seems to work?'

'Well, I was on holiday in Portugal,and there was this couple next door, 2 snobby Doctors they were. Anyway, I got back from the beach and realised I'd lost my 3 year old daughter..........'

Herr-Berbunch · 10-25-13, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

said a spokesman.

Groan

Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's okay. I'll come back when you are sober."

10-23-13, 12:31 PM	#5026
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife was ironing and I wondered if she was thick enough to put the iron to her ear if the phone rang. So I rang the landline from my mobile and she put the iron down and went to answer it. "No one there, is that you messing about again? Trying to make me look stupid," she said. "Not at all, but I do love the smell of burning silk though." I replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-23-13, 11:40 PM	#5028
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked. "Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-24-13, 07:14 AM	#5029
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm currently at my mate Dave's house looking at some fishing equipment he has invented. It's totally ridiculous and very unnecessary. He's due to go on Dragon's Den next week and I'm fairly sure that he is going to get laughed at. A hook that he can also wear as a ring? A reel that straps to his forehead?. He's just making a rod for his own back. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-24-13, 02:03 PM	#5031
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-24-13, 02:21 PM	#5033
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was walking past a sex shop when my daughter started pointing at the window saying, "Please daddy, will you get me one?" "No way!" I said. "Aw, daddy," she sobbed. "But I really need it?" "Why?" I asked. "Because my room is bloody freezing with no window!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-23-13, 12:33 PM	#5027
kranz The Old Man Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Poland Posts: 1,430 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	why can't we give the couple from this thread the child from this thread and call it quits?

10-24-13, 03:31 PM	#5034
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I used to have a pet bird. He always helped me do things, especially when I became really unhealthy and breathing became difficult for me. I couldn't do anything without huffing and Puffin. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-25-13, 12:55 AM	#5037
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-25-13, 04:44 AM	#5038
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Stone Age cavemen were today celebrating the invention of the wheel by connecting a round stone with a wooden axle. "We also tried a design with a separate hub and rim but so far we haven't developed a way of keeping them apart," said a spokesman. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-25-13, 05:02 AM	#5039
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was talking to this guy on holiday. 'what's up mate?' I asked. 'Oh, it's just I've lost one of the hotel slippers from my room, and you know how much the hotel charges for lost items.' 'Ah, sod it. Do what I do. Wait until next door is out, then sneak in and nick theirs. They normally don't make a fuss, and you save money.' 'What a great Idea.' he said. 'And you've done this?' 'Yeah. I did it for years. I lost the TV remote when I was in the Seychelles, nicked the one from the snobby old retired bastards next door. On another holiday to the Canary Islands I lost all the hotel towels, bang, nicked ones from the Banker and his misses in the next room. One year in Barbados I even lost all the sun loungers and nicked the ones from the stuck up Company Directors room adjoining mine. And none of them ever made a peep.' 'Wow.Thanks for the advice' he said, 'Do you still do it now?' 'Nah. I stopped about 6 years ago.' 'Why is that?It seems to work?' 'Well, I was on holiday in Portugal,and there was this couple next door, 2 snobby Doctors they were. Anyway, I got back from the beach and realised I'd lost my 3 year old daughter..........' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now