The joke thread - Page 335

BossMark · 10-21-13, 07:27 AM

"On your CV you say that your memory is one of your biggest strengths."
"Absolutely."
"Could you provide us with some examples?"
"Of what?"

Jimbuna · 10-21-13, 09:58 AM

"Fancy going out for a meal tonight?" Asked my new girlfriend.

"I would love to, but I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment,"

"When we first met you told me you were loaded, or was that total rubbish.?"

"No it was true," I replied, "that cold only lasted a few days."

BossMark · 10-21-13, 11:14 AM

I was watching TV with my girlfriend last night, when I asked her "Do you want to see my impression of a cricket bat?"

She laughed and said "Go on then"

So I smacked her in the face with one and held up a mirror.

Jimbuna · 10-21-13, 12:01 PM

I think my wife is secretly planning to kill me.

Every time we watch CSI she sits there making notes.

BossMark · 10-22-13, 06:02 AM

What's all this uproar over how two packed passenger planes came with 100 feet of each other.

Have these people never been to an airport ?

TarJak · 10-22-13, 06:06 AM

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked

'What are my choices?' I asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

Jimbuna · 10-22-13, 06:24 AM

I smiled at the checkout girl and said, "Has anybody told you how gorgeous you look today?"

"No", she giggled.

"Well, if they do", I replied, "will you please send them to my Specsavers shop next door?"

BossMark · 10-22-13, 12:14 PM

Just to spite British Gas, if I die of hypothermia this winter I've arranged to be buried rather than cremated.

Herr-Berbunch · 10-22-13, 12:44 PM

Wahay! Right thread. Cash in your flight to the Ukraine and get to specsavers.

Jimbuna · 10-22-13, 01:34 PM

When I hear, 'Got a minute?' I know I'm about to lose a half hour of my life that I can never get back.

BossMark · 10-23-13, 01:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

Wahay! Right thread. Cash in your flight to the Ukraine and get to specsavers.

Am picking me new reading glasses up later this morning

BossMark · 10-23-13, 02:03 AM

When my wife announced she was leaving me after a fortune teller told her I was wrong for her, I was in complete shock.

I was certain she'd recognise Sharon from my work.

Jimbuna · 10-23-13, 08:39 AM

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

BossMark · 10-23-13, 09:19 AM

The wife turned to me and said "after 20 years of marriage how would you describe me?"

I looked at her and said your A B C D E F G H I J K"

She looked at me puzzled "what does that mean?"

I replied "your adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous and hot"

"And what about the I J K" she asks.

"I'm just kidding"

Jimbuna · 10-23-13, 10:02 AM

I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed.

I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall.

10-21-13, 07:27 AM	#5011
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"On your CV you say that your memory is one of your biggest strengths." "Absolutely." "Could you provide us with some examples?" "Of what?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-21-13, 09:58 AM	#5012
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,329 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Fancy going out for a meal tonight?" Asked my new girlfriend. "I would love to, but I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment," "When we first met you told me you were loaded, or was that total rubbish.?" "No it was true," I replied, "that cold only lasted a few days." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-21-13, 11:14 AM	#5013
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was watching TV with my girlfriend last night, when I asked her "Do you want to see my impression of a cricket bat?" She laughed and said "Go on then" So I smacked her in the face with one and held up a mirror. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-21-13, 12:01 PM	#5014
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,329 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I think my wife is secretly planning to kill me. Every time we watch CSI she sits there making notes. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-22-13, 06:02 AM	#5015
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What's all this uproar over how two packed passenger planes came with 100 feet of each other. Have these people never been to an airport ? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-22-13, 06:06 AM	#5016
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked 'What are my choices?' I asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. Last edited by TarJak; 10-22-13 at 06:46 AM.

10-22-13, 06:24 AM	#5017
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,329 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I smiled at the checkout girl and said, "Has anybody told you how gorgeous you look today?" "No", she giggled. "Well, if they do", I replied, "will you please send them to my Specsavers shop next door?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-22-13, 12:14 PM	#5018
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Just to spite British Gas, if I die of hypothermia this winter I've arranged to be buried rather than cremated. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-22-13, 12:44 PM	#5019
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Wahay! Right thread. Cash in your flight to the Ukraine and get to specsavers. __________________

10-22-13, 01:34 PM	#5020
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,329 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When I hear, 'Got a minute?' I know I'm about to lose a half hour of my life that I can never get back. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-23-13, 02:03 AM	#5022
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When my wife announced she was leaving me after a fortune teller told her I was wrong for her, I was in complete shock. I was certain she'd recognise Sharon from my work. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-23-13, 08:39 AM	#5023
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,329 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Someone knocked at my door this afternoon. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza. "I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake." "I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-23-13, 09:19 AM	#5024
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The wife turned to me and said "after 20 years of marriage how would you describe me?" I looked at her and said your A B C D E F G H I J K" She looked at me puzzled "what does that mean?" I replied "your adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous and hot" "And what about the I J K" she asks. "I'm just kidding" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-23-13, 10:02 AM	#5025
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,329 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I threw a dart at a map of the world on my bedroom wall the other day, and went to where it landed. I had a fantastic 3 days sat next to my wall. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!