The joke thread - Page 334

BossMark · 10-18-13, 03:09 PM

So British Gas prices to rise by 9%

They must think we've got money to burn..

Which is now the cheapest way to heat your house.

TarJak · 10-18-13, 04:14 PM

That's the last time I stay up late to make a rotisserie chicken with salad.

I tossed and turned all night.

Jimbuna · 10-18-13, 04:16 PM

'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'.

Bloody too right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.

BossMark · 10-18-13, 11:31 PM

Crocodile Dundee Stars Paul And Linda Hogan Announce Divorce
"That's not a wife......."

Jimbuna · 10-19-13, 11:26 AM

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

BossMark · 10-20-13, 05:13 AM

I had a hot date last night and my mate suggested trying a few hours of foreplay beforehand to really get her going.

It didn't work. And I'm sure it's actually called Connect 4.

Jimbuna · 10-20-13, 07:41 AM

I walked in on a guy stealing money from peoples bank cards online
He looked at me worried, but I told him 'Don't stop on my account'

BossMark · 10-20-13, 07:49 AM

My wife was stressing about what to wear for a Halloween party, so I went under the stairs and came out with a bin bag and a broomstick.

"What a great idea," she smiled.

"That's right," I said. "You can have a think about it while you tidy the garden."

Jimbuna · 10-20-13, 10:29 AM

As I waited for my blind date, this woman came and sat down at my table, "Hello, you must be Mike, I recognised you from your picture."

"Oh, yes, you must be Kate's mum, pleased to meet you, is she not well or something?"

BossMark · 10-20-13, 10:53 AM

I had the best workout ever with my mate who's a personal trainer tonight.

It lasted about 3 hours.

Lifting 16oz's at a time down at the pub.

Jimbuna · 10-20-13, 11:12 AM

I challenged a bloke to a game of darts down the pub last night. He beat me 3-0, hitting 6 180's and a 170 checkout on the way. We then played pool and he broke and cleared 3 times in a row without me getting a single shot.
I thought I'd get my own back at table football but he won that 10-0 too.
I said to him "how did you get so bloody good at all these?" and he said "That's easy, I'm a fireman"

BossMark · 10-20-13, 11:23 AM

I got lost hiking in the American woods with a friend of mine who's a barman.

Luckily a lot of the bears in the area were customers of his.

Jimbuna · 10-20-13, 11:27 AM

I always promised myself that by the time I was forty I'd be rich enough to have a schooner down at the marina.

Last night I had three. Two Becks and a Holsten Pils.

fireftr18 · 10-20-13, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I challenged a bloke to a game of darts down the pub last night. He beat me 3-0, hitting 6 180's and a 170 checkout on the way. We then played pool and he broke and cleared 3 times in a row without me getting a single shot.
I thought I'd get my own back at table football but he won that 10-0 too.
I said to him "how did you get so bloody good at all these?" and he said "That's easy, I'm a fireman"

Jimbuna · 10-21-13, 07:25 AM

Tesco said today that they dumped over 30,000 tonnes of waste food in the first half of this year.

I'm not surprised. I shopped at Tesco once.

10-18-13, 03:09 PM	#4996
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So British Gas prices to rise by 9% They must think we've got money to burn.. Which is now the cheapest way to heat your house. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-18-13, 04:16 PM	#4998
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'. Bloody too right they do, I'm a benefits advisor. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-18-13, 11:31 PM	#4999
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Crocodile Dundee Stars Paul And Linda Hogan Announce Divorce "That's not a wife......." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-19-13, 11:26 AM	#5000
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-20-13, 05:13 AM	#5001
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I had a hot date last night and my mate suggested trying a few hours of foreplay beforehand to really get her going. It didn't work. And I'm sure it's actually called Connect 4. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-18-13, 04:14 PM	#4997
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	That's the last time I stay up late to make a rotisserie chicken with salad. I tossed and turned all night.

10-20-13, 07:41 AM	#5002
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I walked in on a guy stealing money from peoples bank cards online He looked at me worried, but I told him 'Don't stop on my account' __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-20-13, 07:49 AM	#5003
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife was stressing about what to wear for a Halloween party, so I went under the stairs and came out with a bin bag and a broomstick. "What a great idea," she smiled. "That's right," I said. "You can have a think about it while you tidy the garden." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-20-13, 10:29 AM	#5004
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I waited for my blind date, this woman came and sat down at my table, "Hello, you must be Mike, I recognised you from your picture." "Oh, yes, you must be Kate's mum, pleased to meet you, is she not well or something?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-20-13, 10:53 AM	#5005
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I had the best workout ever with my mate who's a personal trainer tonight. It lasted about 3 hours. Lifting 16oz's at a time down at the pub. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-20-13, 11:12 AM	#5006
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I challenged a bloke to a game of darts down the pub last night. He beat me 3-0, hitting 6 180's and a 170 checkout on the way. We then played pool and he broke and cleared 3 times in a row without me getting a single shot. I thought I'd get my own back at table football but he won that 10-0 too. I said to him "how did you get so bloody good at all these?" and he said "That's easy, I'm a fireman" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-20-13, 11:23 AM	#5007
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I got lost hiking in the American woods with a friend of mine who's a barman. Luckily a lot of the bears in the area were customers of his. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-20-13, 11:27 AM	#5008
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I always promised myself that by the time I was forty I'd be rich enough to have a schooner down at the marina. Last night I had three. Two Becks and a Holsten Pils. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-21-13, 07:25 AM	#5010
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Tesco said today that they dumped over 30,000 tonnes of waste food in the first half of this year. I'm not surprised. I shopped at Tesco once. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!