The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts pumping continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."

[BossMark]

A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, “Doc, there’s something seriously wrong with my digestive system!” “If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I’m worried, Doc; What do you suggest?” The doctor said calmly, “No problem, eat poo.”

[Jimbuna]

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

[Tinman764]

A couple are laying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and says, "darling, if I ever died and you remarried would you let your new husband use my things?"

The wife has a little think, "yes, I probably would" she says.

"You mean you would let him use my clothes?" Asks the husband.

"Yes, why wouldn't I?" The wife replies.

"What about the condoms in the bedside drawer?" He asks.

"Yes, of course I would," she replies.

"Oh, I see. What about my golf clubs?" Asks the husband.

The wife pauses.

"No, he wouldn't use those. He's left handed."

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

One brown eye is nice, but if it's green, she needs to see a doctor first.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Platapus

One brown eye is nice, but if it's green, she needs to see a doctor first.

Google must be a woman, it knows everything.

[BossMark]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"

he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mum and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[Jimbuna]

Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

[BossMark]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"

[Jimbuna]

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by frau kaleun

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

So yeah.....

My wife's boss is getting Married.

She's a Catholic. Her fiancee is a devout palestinian Muslim. They were going to do non denominational service. So the facility got them a jewish rabbi to officiate.

Now theres a joke.

[Jimbuna]

Walking through the market today, a red-headed bloke was shouting, "Get your baguettes! Thick and thin sliced loaves! Wholemeal, brown, white, seeded! Bloomers, rolls, baps and buns!"

Then he ran off.

I couldn't catch him though, he was the ginger bread man.

[BossMark]

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood...

The pig and the cow.

[Jimbuna]

"Things are going to get better" I said as I left the hospital with my wife.

"What are you on? I've just been given 3 months to live" said my wife.

"I was talking to myself" I replied .

[BossMark]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mm mm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."