The joke thread II - Page 313

Platapus · 10-08-23, 09:54 AM

I hired a handy-man and gave him a list of tasks

He only completed tasks 1, 3, and 5

Evidently, he only does odd jobs

Jimbuna · 10-08-23, 01:23 PM

Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.

Platapus · 10-08-23, 05:38 PM

My therapist thinks I have a phobia about getting married.

She asked me if I knew the symptoms?

I told her "I can't say I do"

Jimbuna · 10-09-23, 06:37 AM

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

Jimbuna · 10-09-23, 01:14 PM

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Platapus · 10-09-23, 03:47 PM

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I told him that I guess it was my weekend immune system

Jimbuna · 10-10-23, 06:20 AM

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.

Platapus · 10-10-23, 03:01 PM

I was not happy with the performance of my racing snail so I removed its shell.

Now it is much more sluggish

Jimbuna · 10-11-23, 06:10 AM

Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.

Jeff-Groves · 10-11-23, 09:20 AM

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$100."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$200"

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$300."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that stuff again."

Platapus · 10-12-23, 05:07 AM

I surprised my wife by switching our bed for a trampoline

She went through the roof

Jimbuna · 10-12-23, 05:54 AM

Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

Platapus · 10-12-23, 06:51 AM

I guess my friend hates living in the mid-west

She says she is in a state of Missouri.

Jimbuna · 10-12-23, 01:11 PM

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

Jimbuna · 10-13-23, 06:28 AM

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

10-08-23, 09:54 AM	#4681
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I hired a handy-man and gave him a list of tasks He only completed tasks 1, 3, and 5 Evidently, he only does odd jobs __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-08-23, 01:23 PM	#4682
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-08-23, 05:38 PM	#4683
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My therapist thinks I have a phobia about getting married. She asked me if I knew the symptoms? I told her "I can't say I do" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-09-23, 06:37 AM	#4684
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-09-23, 01:14 PM	#4685
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-09-23, 03:47 PM	#4686
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days I told him that I guess it was my weekend immune system __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-10-23, 06:20 AM	#4687
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-10-23, 03:01 PM	#4688
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I was not happy with the performance of my racing snail so I removed its shell. Now it is much more sluggish __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-23, 06:10 AM	#4689
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-11-23, 09:20 AM	#4690
Jeff-Groves Village Idiot Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 5,397 Downloads: 131 Uploads: 0	A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$100." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$200" Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$300." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that stuff again."

10-12-23, 05:07 AM	#4691
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I surprised my wife by switching our bed for a trampoline She went through the roof __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-12-23, 05:54 AM	#4692
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-12-23, 06:51 AM	#4693
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,995 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I guess my friend hates living in the mid-west She says she is in a state of Missouri. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-12-23, 01:11 PM	#4694
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-13-23, 06:28 AM	#4695
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,753 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)