The joke thread - Page 310

BossMark · 08-29-13, 06:05 AM

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

TarJak · 08-29-13, 06:19 AM

Crocodile Dundee is completely unrealistic.

Dundee's climate is totally unsuitable for a crocodile.

BossMark · 08-29-13, 09:01 AM

Talk about awkward

I just ran into a bloke begging for change on my way to the coinstar machine.

Sailor Steve · 08-29-13, 09:12 AM

God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam it was time to "be fruitful and multiply". Adam asked God how he was to go about this. God said he could start by kissing Eve. "Lord, what is a kiss?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind a tree and kissed her.

A while later Adam returned with a big smile on his face. "Lord, that was great! What next?"

God told Adam he wanted him to caress Eve. "Lord, what is a caress?" God explained, and Adam took Eve behind the tree and caressed her.

Some time later Adam returned with an even bigger smile on his face and said "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

God told Adam it was time for him to have sex with Eve. Adam asked "Lord, what is sex?" God explained, and Adam took Eve behind the tree a third time.

A minute later Adam returned to God with a puzzled look on his face.

"Lord, what is a headache?

BossMark · 08-29-13, 10:50 AM

My wife is giving me the silent treatment.

My job is to make it look like it's a punishment.

Jimbuna · 08-29-13, 11:11 AM

I've just read a scientific journal study on a native Australian whose blood type changed overnight to Type O.

He was AB originally.

BossMark · 08-30-13, 01:38 AM

Was out shopping with the wife earlier,
She picked up a dress,
"Do you like this?" She asked,
"Newcastle in the champions league" I replied
"What the hell are you on about?"
"You'll never, ever get in it"

Jimbuna · 08-30-13, 06:22 AM

Was out shopping with the wife earlier,
She picked up a dress,
"Do you like this?" She asked,
"Leeds in the Premiership" I replied
"What the hell are you on about?"
"You'll never, ever get in it"

Fixed

Jimbuna · 08-30-13, 06:27 AM

"Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!" I called.

"Over here!"

"Here you go, sir. Sorry about your weight."

"That's okay, I didn't wait long at all."

Ha, I thought.

BossMark · 08-30-13, 07:21 AM

So the Government told the Army to get all the cruise missiles lined up to fire at Syria, then a vote in the Commons determined we won't be going to war after all. The arms companies are disappointed by this turn in events, but are hopeful that another solution can be reached.

Tell you what, I wouldn't want to be a badger this week.

TarJak · 08-30-13, 07:36 AM

I won a Leeds United away kit on eBay.

When it arrived it was a Stanley knife and a baseball bat.

Sailor Steve · 08-30-13, 09:40 AM

A blonde finished a jigsaw puzzle and started jumping up and down and squealing with delight. When her roommate asked what the fuss was about she said "I finished it in just six months!"

The roommate asked why that was a reason to get so excited. The blonde said "The box says 2-4 years!"

Platapus · 08-30-13, 09:47 AM

Thanks for posting, Steve. It is a welcome break to read jokes that I can actually understand.

Herr-Berbunch · 08-30-13, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Thanks for posting, Steve. It is a welcome break to read jokes that I can actually understand.

And are funny(ish).

BossMark · 08-30-13, 10:30 AM

"What's the first name of that Jamaican sprinter?" asked my blonde wife. "Somebody Bolt?"

"Usain Bolt?" I answered.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm saying Bolt."

08-29-13, 06:05 AM	#4636
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-29-13, 09:01 AM	#4638
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Talk about awkward I just ran into a bloke begging for change on my way to the coinstar machine. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-29-13, 09:12 AM	#4639
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam it was time to "be fruitful and multiply". Adam asked God how he was to go about this. God said he could start by kissing Eve. "Lord, what is a kiss?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind a tree and kissed her. A while later Adam returned with a big smile on his face. "Lord, that was great! What next?" God told Adam he wanted him to caress Eve. "Lord, what is a caress?" God explained, and Adam took Eve behind the tree and caressed her. Some time later Adam returned with an even bigger smile on his face and said "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" God told Adam it was time for him to have sex with Eve. Adam asked "Lord, what is sex?" God explained, and Adam took Eve behind the tree a third time. A minute later Adam returned to God with a puzzled look on his face. "Lord, what is a headache? __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

08-29-13, 10:50 AM	#4640
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife is giving me the silent treatment. My job is to make it look like it's a punishment. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-29-13, 11:11 AM	#4641
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've just read a scientific journal study on a native Australian whose blood type changed overnight to Type O. He was AB originally. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-29-13, 06:19 AM	#4637
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Crocodile Dundee is completely unrealistic. Dundee's climate is totally unsuitable for a crocodile.

08-30-13, 01:38 AM	#4642
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Was out shopping with the wife earlier, She picked up a dress, "Do you like this?" She asked, "Newcastle in the champions league" I replied "What the hell are you on about?" "You'll never, ever get in it" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-30-13, 06:22 AM	#4643
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Was out shopping with the wife earlier, She picked up a dress, "Do you like this?" She asked, "Leeds in the Premiership" I replied "What the hell are you on about?" "You'll never, ever get in it" Fixed __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-30-13, 06:27 AM	#4644
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!" I called. "Over here!" "Here you go, sir. Sorry about your weight." "That's okay, I didn't wait long at all." Ha, I thought. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-30-13, 07:21 AM	#4645
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So the Government told the Army to get all the cruise missiles lined up to fire at Syria, then a vote in the Commons determined we won't be going to war after all. The arms companies are disappointed by this turn in events, but are hopeful that another solution can be reached. Tell you what, I wouldn't want to be a badger this week. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-30-13, 07:36 AM	#4646
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	I won a Leeds United away kit on eBay. When it arrived it was a Stanley knife and a baseball bat.

08-30-13, 09:40 AM	#4647
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	A blonde finished a jigsaw puzzle and started jumping up and down and squealing with delight. When her roommate asked what the fuss was about she said "I finished it in just six months!" The roommate asked why that was a reason to get so excited. The blonde said "The box says 2-4 years!" __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

08-30-13, 09:47 AM	#4648
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,439 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Thanks for posting, Steve. It is a welcome break to read jokes that I can actually understand. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

08-30-13, 10:30 AM	#4650
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"What's the first name of that Jamaican sprinter?" asked my blonde wife. "Somebody Bolt?" "Usain Bolt?" I answered. "Yes," she replied. "I'm saying Bolt." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now