The joke thread II - Page 308

Platapus · 09-01-23, 06:30 AM

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people....

But none of them seem to work

Jimbuna · 09-01-23, 06:48 AM

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish!

Jimbuna · 09-02-23, 06:28 AM

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Jeff-Groves · 09-02-23, 08:37 AM

An Englishman, taking a road trip through the US, notices he’s low on fuel, pulls into the first gas station he sees. The attendant walks out and approaches the car.

“How can I help you, sir?”

And in a posh voice, the man says, “I’m low on petrol; please top off the tank.”

With an odd look, the guy begins to fill ’er up.

The Englishman then says, “Also, while I’m here could you open the bonnet and check the oil?”

Now looking slightly peeved but still saying nothing, the serviceman does as requested.

“Oh, yes,” says the Brit, “It appears my windscreen needs a good cleaning. Would you mind terribly-”

Unable to hold his tongue any more the attendant angrily snaps, “Alright, that’s enough! It’s not Petrol, it’s gasoline! It’s not a bonnet, it’s a hood! And it’s not a windscreen, it’s a windshield! We invented cars, so you call them by their American names!”

And with that wonderful, charming, stiff-upper-lip UK wit, the Englishman calmly replies, “Well yes, my friend, you may have invented the automobile, but we invented the language!”

Jimbuna · 09-02-23, 01:34 PM

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Jimbuna · 09-03-23, 07:00 AM

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Platapus · 09-03-23, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

My therapist told me that it was not complex at all, but that I was truly inferior.

Jimbuna · 09-03-23, 11:57 AM

Why did the car get a flat tire? Because there was a fork in the road!

Jimbuna · 09-04-23, 06:37 AM

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

Jimbuna · 09-04-23, 01:10 PM

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

Jimbuna · 09-05-23, 07:26 AM

Why does the golfer wear two pants? Because he's afraid he might get a "Hole-in-one."

Jimbuna · 09-05-23, 08:21 AM

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

Jeff-Groves · 09-05-23, 12:46 PM

I was in a Grocery store the other day shopping for cereal.
I asked another customer where the Lucky Charms were.
Turns out he was a Midget......

I'm banned for life from Krogers.

Platapus · 09-05-23, 04:51 PM

Scientists have studied the effects of alcohol on how people walk.

The results were staggering.

Jimbuna · 09-06-23, 07:17 AM

Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.

09-01-23, 06:30 AM	#4606
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,000 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.... But none of them seem to work __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

09-01-23, 06:48 AM	#4607
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-02-23, 06:28 AM	#4608
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-02-23, 01:34 PM	#4610
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-03-23, 07:00 AM	#4611
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-02-23, 08:37 AM	#4609
Jeff-Groves Village Idiot Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 5,399 Downloads: 131 Uploads: 0	An Englishman, taking a road trip through the US, notices he’s low on fuel, pulls into the first gas station he sees. The attendant walks out and approaches the car. “How can I help you, sir?” And in a posh voice, the man says, “I’m low on petrol; please top off the tank.” With an odd look, the guy begins to fill ’er up. The Englishman then says, “Also, while I’m here could you open the bonnet and check the oil?” Now looking slightly peeved but still saying nothing, the serviceman does as requested. “Oh, yes,” says the Brit, “It appears my windscreen needs a good cleaning. Would you mind terribly-” Unable to hold his tongue any more the attendant angrily snaps, “Alright, that’s enough! It’s not Petrol, it’s gasoline! It’s not a bonnet, it’s a hood! And it’s not a windscreen, it’s a windshield! We invented cars, so you call them by their American names!” And with that wonderful, charming, stiff-upper-lip UK wit, the Englishman calmly replies, “Well yes, my friend, you may have invented the automobile, but we invented the language!”

09-03-23, 11:57 AM	#4613
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why did the car get a flat tire? Because there was a fork in the road! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-04-23, 06:37 AM	#4614
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-04-23, 01:10 PM	#4615
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-05-23, 07:26 AM	#4616
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why does the golfer wear two pants? Because he's afraid he might get a "Hole-in-one." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-05-23, 08:21 AM	#4617
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-05-23, 12:46 PM	#4618
Jeff-Groves Village Idiot Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 5,399 Downloads: 131 Uploads: 0	I was in a Grocery store the other day shopping for cereal. I asked another customer where the Lucky Charms were. Turns out he was a Midget...... I'm banned for life from Krogers.

09-05-23, 04:51 PM	#4619
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,000 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Scientists have studied the effects of alcohol on how people walk. The results were staggering. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

09-06-23, 07:17 AM	#4620
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)