The joke thread - Page 306

BossMark · 08-19-13, 12:10 PM

Stephen Fry is getting really pissed off about the state of gay rights laws in Russia when they host the Winter Olympics.

I'd like to see his reaction when he finds out the Football World Cup is going to be in Qatar.

Jimbuna · 08-19-13, 12:14 PM

I got lost in Liverpool using the satnav.

Knew I shouldn't have selected the female scouse voice option.

BossMark · 08-19-13, 12:33 PM

I hadn't seen my wife in ten years, so I tried to have her declared legally dead, but they told me to piss off, and take my guide dog with me.

Jimbuna · 08-19-13, 12:36 PM

'People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.'

Or do anything which involves getting naked.

BossMark · 08-20-13, 04:04 AM

I've got to stop drinking so much.

Last night I went to a bondage club and met 2 beautiful blonde sisters who said they were savages.

Next morning in the cold light of day I realised they had meant Lily and Robbie.

Jimbuna · 08-20-13, 05:26 AM

Did you know that Chiropractor Monthly is the most grammatically sound of all trade journals. Because they correct back issues.

BossMark · 08-20-13, 05:37 AM

Me and my wife were in a posh club with a big group of friends.

"Come on love," I said. "Let's get up and dance."

"You never dance!" she said.

"I do when I'm with 16 people and it's my round."

Jimbuna · 08-20-13, 05:45 AM

Some random bloke came up to me today and said that I looked like Spock from Star Trek.

Couldn't believe my ears.

BossMark · 08-20-13, 05:55 AM

Arsene Wenger says he will spend money but he's just looking for the right player.

That wont please the fans as they also need a left player, a goalkeeper, striker, and a couple of centre backs.

Jimbuna · 08-20-13, 06:04 AM

I was going to start selling Piggy Banks on Ebay, but decided there will just not be enough money in it for me.

BossMark · 08-20-13, 06:10 AM

I mugged a French mime artist today.

He attempted to run away, but after 2 minutes of running on the spot, he gave up and surrendered.

Jimbuna · 08-20-13, 08:14 AM

I've decided to be a more positive person and say 'yes' more.

I've had my house double glazed 17 times this week.

BossMark · 08-20-13, 09:07 AM

After watching Newcastle's performance tonight.. Loic Remy has decided to plead guilty to rape

Jimbuna · 08-20-13, 10:09 AM

Every Football club has a certain craze.

Man City fans jump up and down backwards.

Wigan fans wave scarfs.

And Leeds fans dress up as plastic seats.

BossMark · 08-21-13, 05:17 AM

"If I died tomorrow, would you get married again?" My wife asked.

" No," I replied, "My girlfriend would never leave her husband."

08-19-13, 12:10 PM	#4576
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Stephen Fry is getting really pissed off about the state of gay rights laws in Russia when they host the Winter Olympics. I'd like to see his reaction when he finds out the Football World Cup is going to be in Qatar. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-19-13, 12:14 PM	#4577
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got lost in Liverpool using the satnav. Knew I shouldn't have selected the female scouse voice option. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-19-13, 12:33 PM	#4578
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I hadn't seen my wife in ten years, so I tried to have her declared legally dead, but they told me to piss off, and take my guide dog with me. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-19-13, 12:36 PM	#4579
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	'People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.' Or do anything which involves getting naked. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-20-13, 04:04 AM	#4580
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've got to stop drinking so much. Last night I went to a bondage club and met 2 beautiful blonde sisters who said they were savages. Next morning in the cold light of day I realised they had meant Lily and Robbie. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-20-13, 05:26 AM	#4581
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you know that Chiropractor Monthly is the most grammatically sound of all trade journals. Because they correct back issues. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-20-13, 05:37 AM	#4582
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Me and my wife were in a posh club with a big group of friends. "Come on love," I said. "Let's get up and dance." "You never dance!" she said. "I do when I'm with 16 people and it's my round." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-20-13, 05:45 AM	#4583
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Some random bloke came up to me today and said that I looked like Spock from Star Trek. Couldn't believe my ears. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-20-13, 05:55 AM	#4584
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Arsene Wenger says he will spend money but he's just looking for the right player. That wont please the fans as they also need a left player, a goalkeeper, striker, and a couple of centre backs. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-20-13, 06:04 AM	#4585
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was going to start selling Piggy Banks on Ebay, but decided there will just not be enough money in it for me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-20-13, 06:10 AM	#4586
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I mugged a French mime artist today. He attempted to run away, but after 2 minutes of running on the spot, he gave up and surrendered. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-20-13, 08:14 AM	#4587
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've decided to be a more positive person and say 'yes' more. I've had my house double glazed 17 times this week. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-20-13, 09:07 AM	#4588
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	After watching Newcastle's performance tonight.. Loic Remy has decided to plead guilty to rape __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-20-13, 10:09 AM	#4589
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,265 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Every Football club has a certain craze. Man City fans jump up and down backwards. Wigan fans wave scarfs. And Leeds fans dress up as plastic seats. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-21-13, 05:17 AM	#4590
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"If I died tomorrow, would you get married again?" My wife asked. " No," I replied, "My girlfriend would never leave her husband." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now