The joke thread - Page 304

Jimbuna · 08-16-13, 01:54 PM

My first marriage was like an Italian car.

My friends all thought it looked fantastic but it started falling to pieces in less than a year.

BossMark · 08-16-13, 02:00 PM

I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like **** and then slide on your knees.

However I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin.

Jimbuna · 08-16-13, 02:08 PM

I got two teeth pulled out today.

Weirdest prostate exam ever.

BossMark · 08-16-13, 02:22 PM

I'm one of them cool guys that always turns up late to a party.

Got invited to one today.

The invitation said '8 sharp!'

Can't wait till I see their faces when I swan in at 10 o'clock.

This boat party won't know what hit it.

BossMark · 08-16-13, 03:04 PM

This gorgeous woman at work with incredible legs, arse and tits keeps asking if I have a girlfriend.

Shame. With a memory like that she must be mentally retarded.

Jimbuna · 08-16-13, 03:50 PM

I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.

I'm on the highway to Hull!

Jimbuna · 08-16-13, 03:51 PM

I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage.

She yelled, "What did I tell you about the toilet seat?"

I said, "To leave it down."

She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?"

"If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my breakfast on!"

BossMark · 08-17-13, 01:22 AM

My mate suggested that I should buy myself a slow cooker.

"They're the best," he said confidently, "All you have to do is put your dinner in it before you go to work, turn it on and when you come home it's done."

Yeah right!

The plastic from my pot noodle has totally melted.

Jimbuna · 08-17-13, 09:07 AM

I was attending my first meeting of the year.

"My name's Andy. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, I'm Carol and I'm an alcoholic."

"I'm Tommy, I'm an alcoholic ... "

"Hello, I'm Mikie ... I'm an alcoholic."

From that first Assembly I began to have the uncomfortable feeling that Toxteth Primary School probably wouldn't suit our kids.

Jimbuna · 08-18-13, 04:35 AM

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

BossMark · 08-18-13, 05:00 AM

My mate once told me if you lick the skin of certain frogs it can have an hallucinogenic effect.

Didn't work for me though, I just ended up getting arrested.

Funny lot, the French.

Jimbuna · 08-18-13, 05:22 AM

The man who made the Super Size Me Documentary, Morgan Spurlock, has made the One Direction film.

I see he's still making films about things that make you sick.

BossMark · 08-18-13, 05:42 AM

I've just paid over the odds for a Sky Bundle.

Or, as Ryanair like to put it, a flight.

Jimbuna · 08-18-13, 06:02 AM

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

BossMark · 08-18-13, 06:22 AM

Arsene Wenger didn't look too disappointed to have lost to Aston Villa today.

He had Benteke in his fantasy team.

08-16-13, 01:54 PM	#4546
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My first marriage was like an Italian car. My friends all thought it looked fantastic but it started falling to pieces in less than a year. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-16-13, 02:00 PM	#4547
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like **** and then slide on your knees. However I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-16-13, 02:08 PM	#4548
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got two teeth pulled out today. Weirdest prostate exam ever. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-16-13, 02:22 PM	#4549
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'm one of them cool guys that always turns up late to a party. Got invited to one today. The invitation said '8 sharp!' Can't wait till I see their faces when I swan in at 10 o'clock. This boat party won't know what hit it. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-16-13, 03:04 PM	#4550
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	This gorgeous woman at work with incredible legs, arse and tits keeps asking if I have a girlfriend. Shame. With a memory like that she must be mentally retarded. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-16-13, 03:50 PM	#4551
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C. I'm on the highway to Hull! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-16-13, 03:51 PM	#4552
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage. She yelled, "What did I tell you about the toilet seat?" I said, "To leave it down." She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?" "If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my breakfast on!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-17-13, 01:22 AM	#4553
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mate suggested that I should buy myself a slow cooker. "They're the best," he said confidently, "All you have to do is put your dinner in it before you go to work, turn it on and when you come home it's done." Yeah right! The plastic from my pot noodle has totally melted. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-17-13, 09:07 AM	#4554
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was attending my first meeting of the year. "My name's Andy. I'm an alcoholic." "Hi, I'm Carol and I'm an alcoholic." "I'm Tommy, I'm an alcoholic ... " "Hello, I'm Mikie ... I'm an alcoholic." From that first Assembly I began to have the uncomfortable feeling that Toxteth Primary School probably wouldn't suit our kids. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-18-13, 04:35 AM	#4555
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip." He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-18-13, 05:00 AM	#4556
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mate once told me if you lick the skin of certain frogs it can have an hallucinogenic effect. Didn't work for me though, I just ended up getting arrested. Funny lot, the French. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-18-13, 05:22 AM	#4557
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The man who made the Super Size Me Documentary, Morgan Spurlock, has made the One Direction film. I see he's still making films about things that make you sick. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-18-13, 05:42 AM	#4558
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've just paid over the odds for a Sky Bundle. Or, as Ryanair like to put it, a flight. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-18-13, 06:02 AM	#4559
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,600 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-18-13, 06:22 AM	#4560
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Arsene Wenger didn't look too disappointed to have lost to Aston Villa today. He had Benteke in his fantasy team. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now