The joke thread - Page 302

Jimbuna · 08-13-13, 08:04 AM

They've got this brand new machine at the gym; I only used it for an hour because it made me feel sick, but it's great!

It's got Mars Bars, KitKats, everything!

BossMark · 08-13-13, 08:15 AM

There are three things I really want to do this summer, but they are Sisters so it's going to be tricky.

Jimbuna · 08-13-13, 09:04 AM

As I walked into a restaurant last night, the manager shook my hand and said, "Let me take you to your seat."

"Nice one." I replied, jumping onto his back, "My feet are killing me."

BossMark · 08-13-13, 09:14 AM

I haven't seen or heard anything about David Blaine in years.

This has got to be his best trick ever.

Jimbuna · 08-13-13, 10:13 AM

I was the victim of a surprise attack last night by a woman with a knife.

I couldn't believe it, I assumed she was just gonna make me a sandwich.

BossMark · 08-13-13, 10:30 AM

When my girlfriend moved out the first thing I did was change all the locks.

We lived on a house-boat and the canal authorities went bloody mental.

Jimbuna · 08-13-13, 10:50 AM

"What happened?" asked the paramedic, as my wife lay on the kitchen floor.

I said, "She was just about to cook me some breakfast when suddenly she collapsed."

"She's in a bad way," he replied, "There's a chance that she may not make it."

"Aw great," I said, "I'll have to go to the cafe then."

BossMark · 08-13-13, 10:55 AM

Christopher Columbus discovered a new world when he got lost.......

so no, i will not stop and ask for directions!

Jimbuna · 08-13-13, 11:08 AM

I'm very good at making quick decisions and always put on the first thing I see when I open my wardrobe in the morning.

That's why today I'm wearing three coat hangers and a pillowcase.

BossMark · 08-13-13, 11:18 AM

My mate just told me he's put a hundred quid on England repeating their 9-3 victory against Scotland in 1961.

"You've got no chance of that happening," I replied "Scotland scoring three goals?"

Jimbuna · 08-13-13, 02:07 PM

I sat at the table with a box of tablets in front of me and told my wife that I was a failure and that I was going to end it all.

"Things aren't that bad, seek some help, don't wind your iPad business up just yet," she said.

BossMark · 08-14-13, 01:28 AM

My 5 year old son asked me to tell him a scary bed time story.

I told him how I met his mother.

Jimbuna · 08-14-13, 05:17 AM

My young son was terrified there was a monster under his bed, so I sat him down to reassure him.

"Timmy, the monster under your bed has gone now and he'll never bother you again."

"Really? Are you sure, Daddy?"

"Yes, son," I replied. "He's been eaten by the clown in the attic"

Seems to have worked, he's gone really quiet.

BossMark · 08-14-13, 05:24 AM

My wife went out to walk the dog a few days ago and went missing.

I've stuck posters up on every tree and lamppost in my local area, but no luck.

I don't think I'll ever see Rover again.

Jimbuna · 08-14-13, 05:46 AM

A Scottish guy came up to me in Victoria Station and asked me a question today.

I hope he's is going to Wembley because I couldn't understand a word he said so I directed him to Wembley.

08-13-13, 08:04 AM	#4516
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	They've got this brand new machine at the gym; I only used it for an hour because it made me feel sick, but it's great! It's got Mars Bars, KitKats, everything! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-13-13, 08:15 AM	#4517
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	There are three things I really want to do this summer, but they are Sisters so it's going to be tricky. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-13, 09:04 AM	#4518
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I walked into a restaurant last night, the manager shook my hand and said, "Let me take you to your seat." "Nice one." I replied, jumping onto his back, "My feet are killing me." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-13-13, 09:14 AM	#4519
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I haven't seen or heard anything about David Blaine in years. This has got to be his best trick ever. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-13, 10:13 AM	#4520
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was the victim of a surprise attack last night by a woman with a knife. I couldn't believe it, I assumed she was just gonna make me a sandwich. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-13-13, 10:30 AM	#4521
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When my girlfriend moved out the first thing I did was change all the locks. We lived on a house-boat and the canal authorities went bloody mental. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-13, 10:50 AM	#4522
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"What happened?" asked the paramedic, as my wife lay on the kitchen floor. I said, "She was just about to cook me some breakfast when suddenly she collapsed." "She's in a bad way," he replied, "There's a chance that she may not make it." "Aw great," I said, "I'll have to go to the cafe then." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-13-13, 10:55 AM	#4523
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Christopher Columbus discovered a new world when he got lost....... so no, i will not stop and ask for directions! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-13, 11:08 AM	#4524
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm very good at making quick decisions and always put on the first thing I see when I open my wardrobe in the morning. That's why today I'm wearing three coat hangers and a pillowcase. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-13-13, 11:18 AM	#4525
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mate just told me he's put a hundred quid on England repeating their 9-3 victory against Scotland in 1961. "You've got no chance of that happening," I replied "Scotland scoring three goals?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-13, 02:07 PM	#4526
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I sat at the table with a box of tablets in front of me and told my wife that I was a failure and that I was going to end it all. "Things aren't that bad, seek some help, don't wind your iPad business up just yet," she said. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-14-13, 01:28 AM	#4527
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My 5 year old son asked me to tell him a scary bed time story. I told him how I met his mother. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-14-13, 05:17 AM	#4528
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My young son was terrified there was a monster under his bed, so I sat him down to reassure him. "Timmy, the monster under your bed has gone now and he'll never bother you again." "Really? Are you sure, Daddy?" "Yes, son," I replied. "He's been eaten by the clown in the attic" Seems to have worked, he's gone really quiet. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-14-13, 05:24 AM	#4529
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife went out to walk the dog a few days ago and went missing. I've stuck posters up on every tree and lamppost in my local area, but no luck. I don't think I'll ever see Rover again. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-14-13, 05:46 AM	#4530
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A Scottish guy came up to me in Victoria Station and asked me a question today. I hope he's is going to Wembley because I couldn't understand a word he said so I directed him to Wembley. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!