The joke thread

[BossMark]

I heard the voice of my dead wife last night, "Have you seen the state of the garden? That room needs decorating, you are drinking to much, put that cigarette out, must you watch sport all the time?"

Well, when I say dead......

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old friend today and he said, "Hi mate, how're you doing?"

I replied, "Yeah, not too bad. At least I'm not hearing voices telling me what to do any more."

"Why, are you taking medication?" he asked.

I said, "No. I quit my job and got divorced."

[BossMark]

"You stand here accused of some of the most violent and depraved sexual acts ever heard by this courtroom", said the judge. "During the past few weeks we have heard evidence from the 3 imprisoned girls with accompanying photographs and testimony which have caused some of the jurors to leave the courtroom in tears. The victims might perhaps one day be able to reintegrate into society but they will never forget the horrors of the last decade. How do you plead?"

All eyes in the courtroom turned to me. There was silence and I looked down at my shoes in shame. "Guilty", I whispered.

My lawyer rushed in behind me. "Dave", he said, "your parking fine is being heard in room 11, 3 doors down on the left".

[Jimbuna]

At the funeral of his young boy, the father Buffalo watched as he was lowered into the ground, he sniffled and whispered,

'Bison'.

[BossMark]

I went to visit an old friend in Liverpool and he asked, "So where's your wife?"

"Oh, she's gone to a better place." I replied

"I'm sorry mate," he said. "When did she die?"

"She's not dead. She's moved Leeds."

[Jimbuna]

My son got his first car and now he's moaning about how much he has to pay for insurance.

"You can thank your mum for that." I told him

"Why's that?" he asked

"Because she's driving on the same roads you are." I replied

[BossMark]

As me and my wife were walking down the street after our meal at a restaurant, i noticed she had forgotten something, so i phoned them up. I said 'Hi, my wife has left her bag at the table near the window'. 'Ok, can you describe it for me' the waiter replied. 'Yeah, its hideous, reeks of stale piss, looks old and leathery.....'
'Dont bloody talk about my mother like that' my wife interupted.

[BossMark]

Channel 4 recently tried to sell Countdown to networks in the USA.

They were told that there was already a long running show on American TV that challenges the average US citizen in terms of spelling and mental arithmetic.

The 44th season of Sesame Street starts in September.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: "Hi, mum. Dave and I fought again. Can I come stay with you?"

Mother-in-law: "No, he must pay for his mistake. I'll come stay with you."

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS: Michael Owen taken off commentary duties for BT sport with sprained tongue.

[BossMark]

That new Lucozade advert is bollocks! Its totally unrealistic!!
I mean at the end of it Ashley Young is still on his feet!!

[Jimbuna]

I was told by my Doctor that I have dementia.

But I'm going to see my Doctor about it.

[BossMark]

After 30 years of my wife's nagging, my hearing is finally starting to go.

My doctor recommended I wear a hearing aid.

In turn, I recommended him a psychiatrist,

because he's obviously bloody crazy.

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home from town in tears.
"I'd just got out the car," she sobbed. "when this man rushed out of his house shouting and swearing that I couldn't leave it there."
"The swine!" I said. "You pay your road tax; why couldn't you leave the car there?"
"Apparently because it was HIS swimming pool," she wailed.

[BossMark]

Oprah Winfrey has no time for people like the Swiss, who, because they are so well mannered, have no idea what a rich and humble person she is.