Jokes about Jewish people - Page 3

joegrundman · 05-10-10, 03:21 AM

Jewish joke:

Mr. Bernstein and his wife were having lunch in the Savoy Grill.

Upon leaving a very glamourous younger lady ran up to Mr.Bernstein, kissed him on the cheek, and said "can't wait for the weekend", tweaked his behind, and ran off into a taxi.

Mrs. Bernstein looked furious.

Mr. Bernstein said, "look before you say anything, i want you to think of our six bedroom house in Hampstead. Think of our children's private education.Think of our lunches at the Savoy grill, our West End shows, shopping in the best places in London. Think of our summer trips around the world, our country cottage in North Wales, our winter skiing trips and our shopping trips to New York.

Mrs. Bernstein furious, kept silent.

Moments later, as they were getting into a taxi, they saw another man and lady get out of another car and walk arm-in-arm to the grill.

"Oh isn't that Mike Margolis?" asked Mrs. Bernstein

"Yes" answered Mr bernstein

"But that's not his wife" said Mrs Bernstein

"No" answered Mr. Bernstein

"Well", said Mrs Bernstein, "She's not as pretty as our mistress"

Jimbuna · 05-10-10, 05:02 AM

Jewish joke:

I think the Bible is totally unrealistic.
I mean, a Jew giving away free fish and bread?

Schroeder · 05-10-10, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joegrundman

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.

frau kaleun · 05-10-10, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schroeder

That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.

From my "uncle-in-law" Cy, after attending yet another less-than-successful organizational meeting of the local German-American society:

"I think I finally figured out how to get two Germans to agree on something."

"Really? How?"

"Shoot one of them."

05-10-10, 09:43 AM

Winners of the 2006 Holocaust cartoon - competition.

This is my favourite.

STEED · 05-10-10, 10:30 AM

First of all this is a true Jewish joke I heard many years ago off the radio so please do not be offended.

German.."We only have one bullet for the both of you."

Jew.."The Germans are losing the war, they need there bullets for the front."

Bilge_Rat · 05-10-10, 10:58 AM

Did you hear about the Finn who drove to Tallinn to buy Vodka and showed up 2 days late? The first sign he saw when he landed in Estonia was "clean restrooms ahead" and he spent the next two days cleaning all the restrooms along the way.

Did you hear about the war between Finland and Sweden? The Finns were throwing dynamite sticks at the Swedes. The Swedes would pick them up, light them and throw them back.

Bilge_Rat · 05-10-10, 11:02 AM

The Finn and the Genie

A drunken Finn was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The Finn, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of vodka, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a bottle that will never run out."

A bottle appears in front of the Finn. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Finn being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the Finn, "Give me TWO more of these!"

Bilge_Rat · 05-10-10, 11:06 AM

Worst Aviation Disaster

Finland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Helsinki.

Finnish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening...

Dowly · 05-10-10, 11:06 AM

- My grandfather died at Auswitz.
- Really?
- Yeah, he slipped and fell out of the guard tower.

Sailor Steve · 05-10-10, 11:20 AM

Go Dowly!

Happy Times · 05-10-10, 11:22 AM

Socialist, capitalist and communist have a meeting.
The socialist is running late.

-Why were you late?

-Im very sorry, i was queuing for a sausage, the socialist explains.

- What is a queue? Asks the capitalist.

- What is a sausage? Asks the communist.

Happy Times · 05-10-10, 11:28 AM

Stalin asks from Berija:

-How many Jews do we have in Soviet Union?

- 3-4 million.

-What if we let them emigrate, how many would leave?

- In that case some 15 million...

Happy Times · 05-10-10, 11:37 AM

Why does Swedish police have always a male and female in the same patrol?

To prevent office romances.

Why does Russian militsiya patrols have three officers?

One can write, one can read and the third keeps an eye on these two intellectuals.

Oberon · 05-10-10, 11:40 AM

05-10-10, 03:21 AM	#31
joegrundman Ocean Warrior Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 2,689 Downloads: 34 Uploads: 0	Jewish joke: Mr. Bernstein and his wife were having lunch in the Savoy Grill. Upon leaving a very glamourous younger lady ran up to Mr.Bernstein, kissed him on the cheek, and said "can't wait for the weekend", tweaked his behind, and ran off into a taxi. Mrs. Bernstein looked furious. Mr. Bernstein said, "look before you say anything, i want you to think of our six bedroom house in Hampstead. Think of our children's private education.Think of our lunches at the Savoy grill, our West End shows, shopping in the best places in London. Think of our summer trips around the world, our country cottage in North Wales, our winter skiing trips and our shopping trips to New York. Mrs. Bernstein furious, kept silent. Moments later, as they were getting into a taxi, they saw another man and lady get out of another car and walk arm-in-arm to the grill. "Oh isn't that Mike Margolis?" asked Mrs. Bernstein "Yes" answered Mr bernstein "But that's not his wife" said Mrs Bernstein "No" answered Mr. Bernstein "Well", said Mrs Bernstein, "She's not as pretty as our mistress" __________________ "Enemy submarines are to be called U-Boats. The term submarine is to be reserved for Allied under water vessels. U-Boats are those dastardly villains who sink our ships, while submarines are those gallant and noble craft which sink theirs." Winston Churchill Last edited by joegrundman; 05-10-10 at 03:34 AM.

05-10-10, 05:02 AM	#32
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,420 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Jewish joke: I think the Bible is totally unrealistic. I mean, a Jew giving away free fish and bread? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-10-10, 10:30 AM	#36
STEED Lucky Jack Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Down Town UK Posts: 27,695 Downloads: 89 Uploads: 48	First of all this is a true Jewish joke I heard many years ago off the radio so please do not be offended. German.."We only have one bullet for the both of you." Jew.."The Germans are losing the war, they need there bullets for the front." __________________ Dr Who rest in peace 1963-2017. To borrow Davros saying...I NAME YOU CHIBNALL THE DESTROYER OF DR WHO YOU KILLED IT! Last edited by STEED; 05-10-10 at 10:54 AM.

05-10-10, 10:58 AM	#37
Bilge_Rat Silent Hunter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: standing watch... Posts: 3,855 Downloads: 344 Uploads: 0	Did you hear about the Finn who drove to Tallinn to buy Vodka and showed up 2 days late? The first sign he saw when he landed in Estonia was "clean restrooms ahead" and he spent the next two days cleaning all the restrooms along the way. Did you hear about the war between Finland and Sweden? The Finns were throwing dynamite sticks at the Swedes. The Swedes would pick them up, light them and throw them back. __________________ Last edited by Bilge_Rat; 05-10-10 at 01:55 PM.

05-10-10, 11:02 AM	#38
Bilge_Rat Silent Hunter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: standing watch... Posts: 3,855 Downloads: 344 Uploads: 0	The Finn and the Genie A drunken Finn was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie. "You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie. The Finn, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of vodka, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a bottle that will never run out." A bottle appears in front of the Finn. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Finn being very content starts walking away. "Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!" "Well," replies the Finn, "Give me TWO more of these!" __________________

05-10-10, 09:43 AM	#35
OneToughHerring Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Winners of the 2006 Holocaust cartoon - competition. This is my favourite.

05-10-10, 11:06 AM	#39
Bilge_Rat Silent Hunter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: standing watch... Posts: 3,855 Downloads: 344 Uploads: 0	Worst Aviation Disaster Finland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Helsinki. Finnish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening... __________________

05-10-10, 11:06 AM	#40
Dowly Lucky Jack Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 25,052 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	- My grandfather died at Auswitz. - Really? - Yeah, he slipped and fell out of the guard tower.

05-10-10, 11:20 AM	#41
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Go Dowly! __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-10-10, 11:22 AM	#42
Happy Times Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 2,950 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	Socialist, capitalist and communist have a meeting. The socialist is running late. -Why were you late? -Im very sorry, i was queuing for a sausage, the socialist explains. - What is a queue? Asks the capitalist. - What is a sausage? Asks the communist. __________________

05-10-10, 11:28 AM	#43
Happy Times Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 2,950 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	Stalin asks from Berija: -How many Jews do we have in Soviet Union? - 3-4 million. -What if we let them emigrate, how many would leave? - In that case some 15 million... __________________

05-10-10, 11:37 AM	#44
Happy Times Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 2,950 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	Why does Swedish police have always a male and female in the same patrol? To prevent office romances. Why does Russian militsiya patrols have three officers? One can write, one can read and the third keeps an eye on these two intellectuals. __________________

05-10-10, 11:40 AM	#45
Oberon Lucky Jack Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 25,976 Downloads: 61 Uploads: 20