The joke thread

[BossMark]

Simon Cowell has been admitted to hospital with a lower intestinal blockage.

Doctors have have suggested that he should pull his head out of his own arse.

[Jimbuna]

I remember the days of when I wasn't married,

Like it were 4 years, 3 months, 7 days, 8 hours, 16 minutes, and 33 seconds ago.

[BossMark]

I couldn't believe it when I got arrested for holding an illegal dog fight in my garden last night.

It's not my fault my wife and her sister decided to kick off with each other at my barbecue.

[Jimbuna]

Suarez, Rooney & Bale have all pulled out of pre-season friendlies due to ''Injury''.

Doctors have been quick to diagnose them all with a new disease called ''Transfer-itis''

[BossMark]

I finished my test-tube burger, and the waitress brought me the bill.

"Two hundred and fifty grand?!" I gulped, "How is that even possible?"

"We got the bun from Waitrose," she replied.

[Jimbuna]

I work for a really bad advertising company.

You probably haven't heard of us.

[BossMark]

I was having dinner with this beautiful blonde last night.

"So, where do you work?" I asked.

She said, "Just around the corner."

"Like in a supermarket or something?"

She said, "This is your first time with a prostitute, love, isn't it?"

[Jimbuna]

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women.

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

[BossMark]

I was sat waiting for the start of the football last night when my blonde wife said, "The team in white will win."

"Why do you think that?" I asked.

She said, "Well, look at the size of them compared to the team stood in front of them."

"You stupid bitch, that's not the other team. They're the mascots."

[Jimbuna]

"You really don't want your wife to emerge from this coma, do you?" The Consultant said.

"Don't be absurd!" I replied, "Why would you even make such an accusation?"

"Because you keep playing her that CD of lullabies whenever she shows signs of waking up."

[BossMark]

"Daddy, is there such thing as ghosts?"

"Why do you ask son?"

"I heard a woman moaning, and banging, and groaning all night from your room, and since mum just died..."

"Well, son..." I replied nervously, "I think you're old enough to know the truth."

"Our house is haunted as hell."

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING. Gareth Bale falls out of the transfer window but grabs a tree and swings to safety. Source says Real Madrid are relieved he is okay.

[BossMark]

The Advertising Standards Authority has received hundreds of complaints about the new Marmite advert, finding it "offensive" and "in poor taste".

Rather like Marmite, then?

[Jimbuna]

There are only two types of dancing;

Pole and boring.

[BossMark]

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."