The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.

“You’re all invited to the wedding,” he told the congregation. “And also to the parish hall afterward for the conception.”

[Platapus]

Why did King Charles put Prince Andrew in charge of the horses at the Grand National?




Someone told him that Andrew was really good at grooming.

[Jimbuna]

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

[Jimbuna]

About a week after my son left for boot training, I happened to go into his room for an afternoon nap. His bed was still warm and cozy, and I seemed to feel his presence. I wrote and told him that either my mind was playing tricks on me or some supernatural phenomenon had comforted me.

I was still trying to figure out the “miraculous” warmth when his reply came. “Sorry, Mother, I forgot. Turn off my electric blanket.”

[Platapus]

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.


He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on safari in Africa, walking through the jungle. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off.

“Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!”

“I can’t!” he shouted back. “I’ve run out of film!”

[Jimbuna]

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

[Jimbuna]

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room.

Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”

[Jimbuna]

“I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

[Platapus]

I have been known to make bad science puns


But only periodically.

[Jimbuna]

A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse. In the morning, he looked out on a flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current. Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house! Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came back upstream—and by now the salesman wondered if he had gone crazy. Finally he called the farmer’s daughter.

“Oh,” she said, after a glance out the window, “that must be Grandpa. He said yesterday that in spite of hell or high water he was going to mow the yard today.”

[Jimbuna]

A young mother paying a visit to her doctor in Providence, Rhode Island, made no attempt to restrain her five­-year-­old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. But finally an extra-­loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Billy being in your examining room.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly. “He’ll be quiet in a moment when he gets to the poisons.”

[ET2SN]

Testing this out and one of my old, old, favorites.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/6HCsmk9oA40

"One fine day at Vinny's re-enactment".

[Platapus]

What are the chances that the sister of His Royal Highness Prince Archie of Sussex becomes Queen?




A Lilibet.

[Jimbuna]

The sailor and his girl had been having a disagreement; she was crying and he was trying to comfort her. As I got closer I heard him say, “Honest, honey, you gotta believe me—I ain’t got a sweetheart in ev’ry port!”

As I moved on I heard his closing argument: “I ain’t been in ev’ry port!”