The joke thread - Page 296

TarJak · 08-03-13, 06:35 AM

An Albanian, a Pole, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Albania finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Albania, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Pole, obviously impressed by this, drinks his vodka, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland, we have so many vodka glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Indian and the Pole. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Jimbuna · 08-03-13, 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

An Albanian, a Pole, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Albania finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Albania, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Pole, obviously impressed by this, drinks his vodka, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland, we have so many vodka glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Indian and the Pole. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

How come the Albanian changed his nationality to Indian?

Jimbuna · 08-03-13, 07:52 AM

It's a shame bus drivers don't have to give that little speech at the beginning of journeys like pilots do.

"Good morning, my name is Bill and I am our driver today. The weather is crap and I hate you all. Enjoy your commute."

TarJak · 08-03-13, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

How come the Albanian changed his nationality to Indian?

The pom liked the Albanian better.

Bad typo.

Jimbuna · 08-03-13, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

The pom liked the Albanian better.

Bad typo.

God job you missed my 'scrap' weather typo then

TarJak · 08-03-13, 07:12 PM

I noticed but ignored. I also assume that its meant to be your bus not our bus.

BossMark · 08-04-13, 03:49 AM

My wife left me a suicide note.

It said "hi honey I'm going for a drive"

So I guess that's what it means anyway.

TarJak · 08-04-13, 03:55 AM

Where does Kevin Pieterson stay when the English team tours South Africa?

His mum and dad's.

BossMark · 08-04-13, 04:06 AM

Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?

It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.

BossMark · 08-04-13, 04:09 AM

I can't decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both.

Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.

TarJak · 08-04-13, 06:45 AM

What is the difference between an english cricketer and a Hong Kong chef?

One cuts up chinese the other one chinese cuts

BossMark · 08-04-13, 06:50 AM

Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad.

That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one.

TarJak · 08-04-13, 06:56 AM

There are two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

BossMark · 08-04-13, 07:00 AM

My wife's been moaning we need a new tap for the kitchen sink.

Now that I finally put one on, she's moaning about how she can't wash dishes with beer.

TarJak · 08-04-13, 07:04 AM

Two villages in Yorkshire are preparing for a Sunday match. In the dressing room Smith , the captain , says "Where Fred?"

"Fred's working down pit skip , he can't play." said Tom
"Bugger! We're one short , anyone else here to play?" said the skipper.
No-one spoke and then this horse popped it's head around the door and said ,"I can play!"

The skipper laughed and said,"Horses can't play cricket!"
"I can", responded the horse ,"and I'll open t'batting too!"
There being no-one else , they put pads on the horses front legs and a bat in his teeth. The skipper tried to take strike becuase the opening bowler was seriously quick , but the horse wouldn't have it.

The bowler charged in and the horse sprang forward and smashed the 1st ball for 6 over long on.

"Great shot horse , brilliant!" said the skip.

"I told thee I could bat!" shouted the horse.

The next 4 balls all went for 6 , all around the ground and the crowd were going mad!! The bowler was really fed up and as he reached the crease to bowl his last ball , he rolled his fingers over it and sent down a devious slower ball. The horse was going to drive yet again when he realised it was the slower ball. Changing strokes , he carefully pushed the ball into the offside. After all the massive hitting the fielders were all on the fence and there was no-one close to retrieve the ball.

"Yes!!" screamed the skip , charging off for the single. The horse remained rooted to the crease , a fielder threw to the bowler's end and the skip was run out by a mile.

'Why didn't thee run?" said the skip to the horse.

"If I could run , I'd be in the Epsom Derby!" said the horse.

08-03-13, 07:52 AM	#4428
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,308 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It's a shame bus drivers don't have to give that little speech at the beginning of journeys like pilots do. "Good morning, my name is Bill and I am our driver today. The weather is crap and I hate you all. Enjoy your commute." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! Last edited by Jimbuna; 08-03-13 at 09:33 AM.

08-04-13, 03:49 AM	#4432
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife left me a suicide note. It said "hi honey I'm going for a drive" So I guess that's what it means anyway. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-04-13, 04:06 AM	#4434
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket? It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-04-13, 04:09 AM	#4435
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I can't decide whether to go to Australia or Thailand this year for a holiday. So I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of both. Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-04-13, 06:50 AM	#4437
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad. That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-03-13, 06:35 AM	#4426
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	An Albanian, a Pole, and an English man are in the same bar. When the Albania finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Albania, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Pole, obviously impressed by this, drinks his vodka, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland, we have so many vodka glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Indian and the Pole. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

08-03-13, 07:12 PM	#4431
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	I noticed but ignored. I also assume that its meant to be your bus not our bus.

08-04-13, 03:55 AM	#4433
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Where does Kevin Pieterson stay when the English team tours South Africa? His mum and dad's.

08-04-13, 06:45 AM	#4436
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	What is the difference between an english cricketer and a Hong Kong chef? One cuts up chinese the other one chinese cuts

08-04-13, 06:56 AM	#4438
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

08-04-13, 07:00 AM	#4439
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife's been moaning we need a new tap for the kitchen sink. Now that I finally put one on, she's moaning about how she can't wash dishes with beer. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-04-13, 07:04 AM	#4440
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Two villages in Yorkshire are preparing for a Sunday match. In the dressing room Smith , the captain , says "Where Fred?" "Fred's working down pit skip , he can't play." said Tom "Bugger! We're one short , anyone else here to play?" said the skipper. No-one spoke and then this horse popped it's head around the door and said ,"I can play!" The skipper laughed and said,"Horses can't play cricket!" "I can", responded the horse ,"and I'll open t'batting too!" There being no-one else , they put pads on the horses front legs and a bat in his teeth. The skipper tried to take strike becuase the opening bowler was seriously quick , but the horse wouldn't have it. The bowler charged in and the horse sprang forward and smashed the 1st ball for 6 over long on. "Great shot horse , brilliant!" said the skip. "I told thee I could bat!" shouted the horse. The next 4 balls all went for 6 , all around the ground and the crowd were going mad!! The bowler was really fed up and as he reached the crease to bowl his last ball , he rolled his fingers over it and sent down a devious slower ball. The horse was going to drive yet again when he realised it was the slower ball. Changing strokes , he carefully pushed the ball into the offside. After all the massive hitting the fielders were all on the fence and there was no-one close to retrieve the ball. "Yes!!" screamed the skip , charging off for the single. The horse remained rooted to the crease , a fielder threw to the bowler's end and the skip was run out by a mile. 'Why didn't thee run?" said the skip to the horse. "If I could run , I'd be in the Epsom Derby!" said the horse.