The joke thread - Page 291

Spiced_Rum · 07-25-13, 07:23 AM

I had a strange time last night.

First my blind date didn't turn up, then some woman walked in, gave me a weird look and immediately left the restaurant.

Spiced_Rum · 07-25-13, 07:31 AM

My PC takes such a long time to shut down I've decided to call it Nelson Mandela.

Jimbuna · 07-25-13, 09:33 AM

"Now, I'm no brain surgeon, but..."

Is what I like to say to my patients just before the anaesthetic kicks in.

BossMark · 07-25-13, 10:51 AM

I made the mistake of waving at someone at an auction whilst the sale of a masterpiece by Rembrandt was going on.

It wasn't who I thought it was, and I looked very silly.

Spiced_Rum · 07-25-13, 10:58 AM

"Fire in the hole!"

I shouted as I picked up Deep Heat instead of Anusol.

BossMark · 07-25-13, 11:21 AM

My marriage has been in trouble lately because of my drinking.

Last night I took my wife for a reconciliatory dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date. I got hammered, puked down my shirt and pissed my trousers. When I woke up this morning, she'd left me a note saying she's going to take me to the cleaners.

That's very considerate of her.

Jimbuna · 07-25-13, 11:53 AM

I went to a sports day in Japan today.

It was quite enjoyable but I must say the egg and chopstick race was a challenge.

BossMark · 07-26-13, 04:41 AM

"Why so glum?" asked the barman.
"My best mate has just been crushed to death," I replied.
"I'm sorry," he sympathised. "How did that happen?"
"He was having an affair with my wife and he let her go on top."

Jimbuna · 07-26-13, 09:09 AM

I went to Waitrose today and the shop was divided into 2 sections.

Organic and things I can afford.

BossMark · 07-26-13, 09:18 AM

The wife and I were walking home from the bar when a young hoodie holding a knife asked me for my wallet.

I said, "Go ahead, there's nothing in it!"

He yelled, "What do you mean there's nothing in it?"

I replied, "It's the end of the night and I'm with my wife, you do the math!"

Jimbuna · 07-26-13, 10:29 AM

Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?

Who knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.

BossMark · 07-26-13, 10:53 AM

The Royal baby is third in line for the throne.
To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line."

Jimbuna · 07-26-13, 11:03 AM

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
"What are these little round things", I asked.
"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.
"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

BossMark · 07-26-13, 11:18 AM

I bought a book on addictions yesterday.

I've read it twelve times already.

Jimbuna · 07-26-13, 11:27 AM

I lost my wife in tesco last week
One minute she was picking up sugar and milk, and the next she was having a heart attack over the food prices on isle 6

07-25-13, 07:23 AM	#4351
Spiced_Rum Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2013 Location: Enjoying a run ashore Posts: 1,129 Downloads: 69 Uploads: 0	I had a strange time last night. First my blind date didn't turn up, then some woman walked in, gave me a weird look and immediately left the restaurant. __________________ Spiced_Rum "The only rocks I want to see are in my glass, and covered with lashings of Spicey and Coke"

07-25-13, 07:31 AM	#4352
Spiced_Rum Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2013 Location: Enjoying a run ashore Posts: 1,129 Downloads: 69 Uploads: 0	My PC takes such a long time to shut down I've decided to call it Nelson Mandela. __________________ Spiced_Rum "The only rocks I want to see are in my glass, and covered with lashings of Spicey and Coke"

07-25-13, 09:33 AM	#4353
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Now, I'm no brain surgeon, but..." Is what I like to say to my patients just before the anaesthetic kicks in. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-25-13, 10:51 AM	#4354
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I made the mistake of waving at someone at an auction whilst the sale of a masterpiece by Rembrandt was going on. It wasn't who I thought it was, and I looked very silly. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-25-13, 10:58 AM	#4355
Spiced_Rum Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2013 Location: Enjoying a run ashore Posts: 1,129 Downloads: 69 Uploads: 0	"Fire in the hole!" I shouted as I picked up Deep Heat instead of Anusol. __________________ Spiced_Rum "The only rocks I want to see are in my glass, and covered with lashings of Spicey and Coke"

07-25-13, 11:21 AM	#4356
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My marriage has been in trouble lately because of my drinking. Last night I took my wife for a reconciliatory dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date. I got hammered, puked down my shirt and pissed my trousers. When I woke up this morning, she'd left me a note saying she's going to take me to the cleaners. That's very considerate of her. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-25-13, 11:53 AM	#4357
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to a sports day in Japan today. It was quite enjoyable but I must say the egg and chopstick race was a challenge. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-26-13, 04:41 AM	#4358
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Why so glum?" asked the barman. "My best mate has just been crushed to death," I replied. "I'm sorry," he sympathised. "How did that happen?" "He was having an affair with my wife and he let her go on top." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-26-13, 09:09 AM	#4359
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to Waitrose today and the shop was divided into 2 sections. Organic and things I can afford. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-26-13, 09:18 AM	#4360
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The wife and I were walking home from the bar when a young hoodie holding a knife asked me for my wallet. I said, "Go ahead, there's nothing in it!" He yelled, "What do you mean there's nothing in it?" I replied, "It's the end of the night and I'm with my wife, you do the math!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-26-13, 10:29 AM	#4361
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road? Who knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-26-13, 10:53 AM	#4362
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The Royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-26-13, 11:03 AM	#4363
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night. "What are these little round things", I asked. "Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said. "Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question". __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-26-13, 11:18 AM	#4364
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I bought a book on addictions yesterday. I've read it twelve times already. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-26-13, 11:27 AM	#4365
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I lost my wife in tesco last week One minute she was picking up sugar and milk, and the next she was having a heart attack over the food prices on isle 6 __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!