The joke thread II - Page 282

Jimbuna · 04-10-23, 04:54 AM

Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday.

Jimbuna · 04-11-23, 05:06 AM

Just quit my job at the mosque. All they care about is profits.

Jimbuna · 04-11-23, 05:09 AM

Just handed in my resignation to quit my job as a psychic. I just don’t see a future in it.

Platapus · 04-11-23, 03:51 PM

My wife was comparing our marriage as a deck of cards
"All we needed was two hearts and a diamond"

I thought to myself...

"all I need is one club and a spade....."

Jimbuna · 04-12-23, 06:55 AM

I think dyslexic people should form an onion.

Jimbuna · 04-12-23, 07:03 AM

Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

Platapus · 04-12-23, 03:32 PM

I like to collect business cards of people I don't like.

Then, if I accidentally hit a parked car, I can write "sorry, my fault" on one of them and put it on the car.

Jimbuna · 04-13-23, 04:56 AM

Got breathalysed by the police last night while driving home from a fancy dress party dressed as the Titanic. I was a nervous wreck.

Jimbuna · 04-13-23, 04:59 AM

Farting in a crowded lift is wrong on multiple levels!

Jimbuna · 04-14-23, 05:10 AM

A lady at work today was complaining because she said the escalator was broken. I told her “escalators never break, they just become stairs”.

Jimbuna · 04-14-23, 05:11 AM

So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number!

Jimbuna · 04-15-23, 05:22 AM

I lost 3 kilos over the weekend. Think I’m gonna go into hiding for a while just in case my boss sends a hit-man after me.

Jimbuna · 04-15-23, 05:22 AM

Why is it that people who own guns are considered a danger to society but it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to own a meat clever and a human-sized freezer?

Platapus · 04-15-23, 06:06 AM

Q: What was the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me: Wished I was an adult

Jimbuna · 04-16-23, 05:09 AM

I accidentally crashed my car into the back of a midget earlier today.He said “I’m not happy!”, so I said “well which one are you then?”

04-10-23, 04:54 AM	#4216
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-11-23, 05:06 AM	#4217
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just quit my job at the mosque. All they care about is profits. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-11-23, 05:09 AM	#4218
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just handed in my resignation to quit my job as a psychic. I just don’t see a future in it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-11-23, 03:51 PM	#4219
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,439 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My wife was comparing our marriage as a deck of cards "All we needed was two hearts and a diamond" I thought to myself... "all I need is one club and a spade....." __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

04-12-23, 06:55 AM	#4220
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I think dyslexic people should form an onion. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-12-23, 07:03 AM	#4221
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-12-23, 03:32 PM	#4222
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,439 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I like to collect business cards of people I don't like. Then, if I accidentally hit a parked car, I can write "sorry, my fault" on one of them and put it on the car. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

04-13-23, 04:56 AM	#4223
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Got breathalysed by the police last night while driving home from a fancy dress party dressed as the Titanic. I was a nervous wreck. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-13-23, 04:59 AM	#4224
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Farting in a crowded lift is wrong on multiple levels! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-14-23, 05:10 AM	#4225
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A lady at work today was complaining because she said the escalator was broken. I told her “escalators never break, they just become stairs”. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-14-23, 05:11 AM	#4226
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-15-23, 05:22 AM	#4227
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I lost 3 kilos over the weekend. Think I’m gonna go into hiding for a while just in case my boss sends a hit-man after me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-15-23, 05:22 AM	#4228
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why is it that people who own guns are considered a danger to society but it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to own a meat clever and a human-sized freezer? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-15-23, 06:06 AM	#4229
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,439 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Q: What was the dumbest thing you did as a kid? Me: Wished I was an adult __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

04-16-23, 05:09 AM	#4230
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I accidentally crashed my car into the back of a midget earlier today.He said “I’m not happy!”, so I said “well which one are you then?” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!