The joke thread - Page 281

Jimbuna · 07-09-13, 03:55 PM

I'm in a band called Atom

We'll never split.

Platapus · 07-09-13, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I'm in a band called Atom

We'll never split.

is it a fusion band?

Sailor Steve · 07-09-13, 05:37 PM

I hear they're fission for a new drummer.

BossMark · 07-10-13, 01:38 AM

Overheard my 14 year old daughter crying on the phone to her boyfriend saying over and over again that she's late, and that her dad is going to kill her?
Silly cow how can she be late? She's not been out today!

Jimbuna · 07-10-13, 06:01 AM

Last night at the restaurant I saw some little lad choking.

His dad was so proud,he gave him a few pats on the back.

Herr-Berbunch · 07-10-13, 08:14 AM

I was in Boots struggling to find the deodorant so I asked the assistant for help.

"Ball or aerosol?" she asked.

"Neither, for under my arms!" I replied.

TarJak · 07-10-13, 09:37 AM

Englands much vaunted top order.

Jimbuna · 07-10-13, 10:07 AM

Ha...the home crowd attendance (or lack of) down under for the final two tests

Spiced_Rum · 07-10-13, 10:43 AM

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

Herr-Berbunch · 07-10-13, 10:50 AM

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap! That must be my husband!'. So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'.

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started...

Jimbuna · 07-10-13, 11:38 AM

I dived headlong to save a young girl from a herd of cows.

I got a pat on the back.

BossMark · 07-10-13, 11:47 AM

Mark Cavendish gets Urine thrown at him during today's Tour De France!
Well I suppose that's one way to get hold of the Yellow Jersey!

Jimbuna · 07-10-13, 03:19 PM

My Doctor told me I have a stout constitution.

Or to use his exact words, "a beer belly from drinking too much Guinness".

TarJak · 07-10-13, 04:32 PM

Australia's top 4 batsmen

BossMark · 07-11-13, 01:46 AM

"Mark Cavendish is sprayed with URINE during today's time trial at the Tour De France"

Well you open a can of Fosters while riding a bike, things will get messy.

07-09-13, 03:55 PM	#4201
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm in a band called Atom We'll never split. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-09-13, 05:37 PM	#4203
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	I hear they're fission for a new drummer. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

07-10-13, 01:38 AM	#4204
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Overheard my 14 year old daughter crying on the phone to her boyfriend saying over and over again that she's late, and that her dad is going to kill her? Silly cow how can she be late? She's not been out today! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-10-13, 06:01 AM	#4205
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Last night at the restaurant I saw some little lad choking. His dad was so proud,he gave him a few pats on the back. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-10-13, 08:14 AM	#4206
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	I was in Boots struggling to find the deodorant so I asked the assistant for help. "Ball or aerosol?" she asked. "Neither, for under my arms!" I replied. __________________

07-10-13, 09:37 AM	#4207
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Englands much vaunted top order.

07-10-13, 10:07 AM	#4208
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Ha...the home crowd attendance (or lack of) down under for the final two tests __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-10-13, 10:43 AM	#4209
Spiced_Rum Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2013 Location: Enjoying a run ashore Posts: 1,129 Downloads: 69 Uploads: 0	A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." __________________ Spiced_Rum "The only rocks I want to see are in my glass, and covered with lashings of Spicey and Coke"

07-10-13, 10:50 AM	#4210
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap! That must be my husband!'. So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'. The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started... __________________

07-10-13, 11:38 AM	#4211
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I dived headlong to save a young girl from a herd of cows. I got a pat on the back. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-10-13, 11:47 AM	#4212
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Mark Cavendish gets Urine thrown at him during today's Tour De France! Well I suppose that's one way to get hold of the Yellow Jersey! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-10-13, 03:19 PM	#4213
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My Doctor told me I have a stout constitution. Or to use his exact words, "a beer belly from drinking too much Guinness". __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-10-13, 04:32 PM	#4214
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Australia's top 4 batsmen

07-11-13, 01:46 AM	#4215
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Mark Cavendish is sprayed with URINE during today's time trial at the Tour De France" Well you open a can of Fosters while riding a bike, things will get messy. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now